The Oscars Summed Up In One Photo

Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.

If I had won, this is how that might have gone.

Static's Acceptance Speech for the Best Supporting Actron Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly act! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and obsess about how freakish my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda numb...

There are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

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Tramp Stamp Trampanzees

The lower back tattoo, also known as a "tramp stamp", "ass antlers", or "whore tag", has become very popular in recent years.

Pop culture has embraced the tramp stamp. But then again, over time, pop culture also embraced the mullet, flannels over t-shirts, parachute pants, stirrup pants, leisure suits, and virtual pets. Hindsight is 20/20. The difference is that these items could all be thrown out or changed. A tramp stamp is permanently yours until it becomes the gramp stamp.

I have conflicted feelings with the term “Tramp Stamp”, because a woman having a lower back tattoo doesn’t automatically make her a “Tramp”, i.e., sexually loose and/or promiscuous. Women should be able to have a tattoo anywhere on their bodies without prejudice. Even if they are badly done. In fact, the worse they are, the more fun it is to laugh at them.

Tattoos can be a very personal choice, so while others of us might not choose to get one, many do for reasons known only to them. If they like them then that is all that matters regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Labels such as “Tramp Stamp” continue to perpetuate tattooing stereotyping and stigmas toward tattoos, especially regarding women and their popular tattoo choices.

Shame on people repulsed by tattoos who make fun of them. Shame on tattoo enthusiasts who do the same. Shame on tattoo artists who give the same stamps over and over again. And shame on tattoo magazines and all of the above for perpetuating antiquated perceptions of women with ink.

Having said that, this is the absolute worst Tramp Stamp I have ever seen:

Your trendy "Tramp Stamp" isn't all that liberating anymore when compared to that one, is it? Shame on you. Try being more original next time, Tramp.

For 20 more of The Worst Tramp Stamps click here.

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Now Playing: You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi
posted with Foxy Tunes

Thanks to Julie at Heavy dot com for sending me the link.

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Ask Static: A Trendy Alternative

Q: Dear Static,

I want an HTC Magic. Now. Can you help?

Signed,
Cell phone phreak


A: Dear Celltard...

How about an Etch-A-Sketch as a trendy alternative?

It costs less and is just as handy as the HTC Magic or the iPhone. It certainly beats the iPad hands down on several features, including it's simple and easy to use interface. And despite what has been said about the iPad, the Etch-A-Sketch is clearly superior to any handheld/mobile device on the market.

In short, the Etch-A-Sketch is the ultimate multi-tasking handheld super computer!

This might lead one to ask:
How might a day in the life at the Etch-A-Sketch help desk go exactly?...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Any questions?

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Toyota Recalls Defective Airbags

NEW YORK, NY - National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has found that sudden acceleration events in Toyota vehicles over the past decade led to several instances of collisions, serious injuries, and at least 19 confirmed deaths associated with eight or more popular models. In record time Toyota has now decided to recall those vehicles with sticking accelerator pedals.

To alleviate the problem, Toyota will install new and improved airbags starting this week in over 5 million vehicles.

In a press conference earlier today, Toyota Motor Company representative, Phil Graves, stated that Toyota "...[has] taken these measures so that in the event a gas pedal sticks on any of our vehicles, and if firm and steady application of the brakes and/or frantic waving of the arms fails to stop the vehicle, Toyota's improved airbags will reduce the amount of injuries or fatalities to Toyota owners."

"We want to make sure our customers understand that this situation is rare and generally does not occur suddenly. Rather it's a slow and painful process...until the accelerator pedal sticks and you fly off into the stratosphere like a bat out of hell...or into a brick wall. But that's the worst case scenario. We're trying to remain optimistic."

"Our message to Toyota owners is this – if you experience any issues with your accelerator pedal, please contact your dealer without delay. If you are not experiencing any issues with your pedal, we are confident that your vehicle is safe to drive. But just to be sure, get the new airbags installed..it can't hurt. We'll even throw in a crash helmet, a months supply of adult diapers, and a new set of floor mats," Graves added.

"Nothing is more important to Toyota and our lawyers - I mean..our LOYAL customers than the safety and reliability of the vehicles our customers drive," noted Graves. "We understand the safety concerns the public has."

"Our entire organization of 172,000 - um, wait a sec. We um..recalled...uh, laid-off rather, quite a few 'defective airbags' - uh, defective airbag installers..over the holidays," Graves eyes glaze over a bit, "Ok, so our entire organization of 153, that's 153 North American employees and dealership personnel are working around the clock, without food, water, or sleep, to replace the airbag systems for our customers. The suspense is killing us."

"Rest assured, we've come to the most safe and viable solution for this problem. In upcoming weeks we will address reports about those steering wheels popping off during operation on all vehicles manufactured since 2001. Thank you."

© Photo by Juan Guerra

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Pat Robertson Says Blue M&M's Devine Retribution

Vagina Beach, VA - Rev. Pat Robertson has always been known as a shining beacon of hope and all that is good and holy, from his Liberian diamond mine venture, to his call for Hugo Chavez’s assassination.

After his remarks that earthquake stricken Haiti got what it deserved because of its pact with the Devil, it is now quite evident that Pat Robertson has lost his damn mind.

Since the Act of God upon Haiti, the UN has called for international aid to ship canned food, water, and 6,000 Nelson Mandela action figures to the region.

Thousands of people, organizations, and well-known celebrities have donated their money. But Robertson, having a billion dollar empire, has not donated a single penny, declaring that "those devil-worshipping Haitians don't deserve it!"

Robertson leaves little doubt that he is racist amongst other things, "I am sick and tired of those damn liberals giving away all America has to help the helpless," he continued.

As for Robertson's vehemence for liberals and their organizations, "I call upon my viewers to exterminate all liberals in retribution for aiding and abetting Satan."

Robertson added, "I tell people ‘Don’t kill all the liberals.’ My plan is to leave two on every campus as living fossils."

Robertson's statements about Haiti also contained some historical inaccuracies that have since come to light.

Some other stunning examples of Robertson's inaccurate historical accounts were his remarks that the creation of the McRib sandwich occurred in 1994, not 1981. And his belief that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is more than just a movie, "it's a goddamn historical reenactment."

Even more astounding were his claims of Doomsday at the end of 1982 that fell short, as well as his having the power to deflect hurricanes through prayer.

An example of his inadequacy is when Katrina devastated New Orleans and many surrounding areas in 2005, including Orlando, FL. Robertson claims Katrina was caused by homosexuals "flocking to Disney World and the French Corner on their special gay days" and there was nothing he could do about it.

Other things that top Robertson's Acts of God List include:
* the mere existence of Rush Limbaugh
* Ariel Sharon's persistent vegetative state
* having a light-skinned black man with no negro dialect as U.S. president, "that's what America gets for not electing Pat Robertson chief executive of the United States! Ironically, Harry Reid has no discernible negro dialect either.."
* the assassinations of Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, Robertson had hoped "they were taken down a little sooner" because of their attempts to "create an alternate lifestyle" and, "them two fleshy bags of mostly pansies opposed everything that Jesus lived for – markedly Jesus’ call for peace and harmony. I anticipate that yak herding Dalai Lama guy is next, knock on wood."
* the September 11 terrorist attacks, "the ACLU, abortionists, gays and lesbians, pagans, and feminists helped it happen..[feminism] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians"
* the destruction of Adolph Hitler and the Third Reich, "Hitler's a 'pussy' for his inability to 'man-up' in the face of adversity."
* the Late-Night fiasco, the Jayocalypse is devine retribution for Conan O'Brien's ties with "those liberal tree-hugging hipsters, God shall strike them all with various afflictions and we shall burn all their socialist paraphernalia while they drop dead!”
* the confluence of events necessary to pair "Jets" and "playoffs" for the first time since the 2006 NFL season, much less uttered in the same sentence EVER.
* those "damn Thundercats" for enraging the Ancient Spirits of Evil to the point that they brought Mumm-Ra back.
* that gallon of milk that spoiled in Robertson's fridge.

All of these, in Robertson's mind, due to pacts with the Devil. These beliefs for Robertson have allegedly reduced the man to a quivering pile of horse manure.

In his current state of paranoid delusional thinking, he has barricaded his dressing room and awaits the apocalypse, stating, "Holy fuckin' fuck, fuckers. The end is near! This is it. This is really it!! You'll all believe me when it happens this time around."

"God fucking damn it," he added, trying to fashion a weapon from a bobby pin and some tape. "I wasn’t built for this."

He has even stopped requesting his favorite meal from CBN staff members (sugared skunk dumplings with Appalachian molasses). This sudden change in personality and resultant psychotic break has caused worry amongst his own viewers.

Substance abuse, perhaps? Is it possible Robertson might be tripping on something? Maybe he needs an intervention with the Rev. Al Sharpton, Bill Cosby, Oprah, and Mr. T.

It is evident that Robertson has no control over his spastic personality. Since his most recent overtly racist remarks, CBN's market share subsequently went to hell: did they not notice, and figure it out already? Stay tuned for more on Robertson's condition in upcoming issues.


This report brought to you by: Crunk Berries™

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Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical

Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)


Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

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Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand

It's been awhile between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.

I hope your holidays are going well, better than mine.

Speaking of door knobs: did you know that the "new and improved" US government is committed to helping single moms return to school? Obama allocated stimulus funds for education, and this has opened doors for mothers across the nation to get a better education.

I was reminded of that while reading the news on the web today. I came across this outrageously funny ad with it's out-of-place photo attachment (REALLY, the photo came with the ad). Naturally, being who I am, I felt the need to mock and alter it by adding some additional text and then write some brief commentary about my discovery. After all, 9 out of 10 Walmart greeters believe that the 'Moms Return to School' Government Grant is a great idea.

Why...teenage moms, single moms, stay-at-home moms, back-to-school moms, alcoholic child-abusing moms...even bearded moms can return to school with all that stimulus money floating around.



Now all moms, Alabama and beyond, will have a fighting chance for a higher paying job as soon as the economy rebounds from the edge of economic oblivion. It's high time for a makeover too, you've let yourself go a bit there, mom.

When the economy does bounce back (which it always does..it bounces so very high, you might not be able to catch it once again..because in a class-based system you'll find lots of dangling rubber carrots), you super-duper hyper qualified workers are going to be in big demand.

So completing a degree at community college is going to put mom in a prime position to get her ultimate job...and still paid 15-40 percent less than her male counterparts. Happy studying!

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Dylan Army Goes AWOL

44 years ago at Newport Folk Festival, Bob Dylan shocked fans by performing an unheard of electric set to a die-hard folk audience. This year he shocked fans once again...most readers first inclination will be to think of his Christmas album release. But no. This time Dylan completely surprised by plugging-in and jamming on a synthesizer at a recent performance at Wang Theatre in Boston, MA.

Rocking out exclusively on the Keytar, Dylan wailed on classic hits such as "Just Like a Woman", "Blood in My Eyes", "I Want You", "Like a Rolling Stone", and "Tangled Up in Blue". The show vaguely resembled an outlandish mangled version of Rock Band played by senior citizens stricken with Alzheimer's.

Bereft of their dignity, overwhelmed and appalled fans left one by one well into his first set. Devotees who previously thought Dylan was God, now have the opinion that he's fallen from grace. One embarrassed fan remarked, "Some people say there is no Devil. Well, let me tell you that the Devil owns this world. And Bob Dylan is the Devil."

Hey, Satan. Chris Brown called and he wants his bow tie back.

Even with record high unemployment, after hearing Dylan's first set, his limo driver promptly resigned his position. Witnesses reported that he then hopped a bus bound for The Big Apple with high hopes of becoming a New York City cab driver and will never be heard from again. At this time, no one else has applied to replace the limo driver.

The stunning climax of Dylan's synthetic show consisted of a 15-minute solo showdown of keyboarding prowess, including none other than synthesizer virtuoso, Jan Hammer, who joined Dylan onstage for an encore rendition of "Let Me Die in My Footsteps"...and this is exactly what former fans are looking forward to.

When Dylan plays synth-rock,
peeps don't want to drop X
and/or break out the glowsticks!

At the conclusion one solitary fan blurted out, "What in the hell were you thinking man?!"
Dylan responded, "I'm thinkin'..that MY SHOW is pretty hep."

"I think that you are being extremely inappropriate right now, and I’m leaving," the incensed fan retorted.

Dylan continued to an empty room, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Everybody's a critic. Tomorrow night I'm gonna bust out shred metal versions of the same material and I'm officially sending out an open invitation to Slayer and the incredible Zladko "ZLAD!" Vladcik to join me onstage for tomorrow night's encore."

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Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.


Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

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A Bedtime Story by Static

A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.


A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.

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