Swine Flu and You

Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.

So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.


Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

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A Bedtime Story by Static

A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.


A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.

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Halloween Countdown: 14 Days : Devil's Rejects

Two weeks to Halloween and I haven't found the ultimate movie or meme to rate. But I'm getting closer with this edition.

The last movie I reviewed, that's an epic. It's just dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of it and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just read on for more disposable entertainment.

If you've seen Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses then you've probably seen the sequel, Devil's Rejects. But if you haven't, then you're missing out on some fine family entertainment.

It doesn't really warrant a plot summary. But it does deserve some explanation. It's possibly one of the most indulgent horror movies you'll ever see. Over-the-top comedy and depravity at it's finest.

Nothing's better than an entire family of serial killers than a movie about an entire family of serial killers to get you in the mood for Halloween. And this by far has to be the best clip from that movie.

No. no. no..got it all wrong. The poor bastard just wanted some fried chicken, not to be ridiculed for the preparation and secret ingredient. It's CHICKEN PLUCKER. Not CHICKEN FUCKER. It's an auditory anomaly. Your ears are playing tricks on you.

Harland Sanders, a prominent chicken-fucker who heads a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of chicken-fuckers in the media, is "not at all amused" by this clip, which gives you even more reason to see both of these celluloid offenses.

"Chicken-fuckers have feelings, too," he says. Mr. Sanders asserts that the explosion of chicken-fucking jokes on late-night TV and on the Internet are "insensitive and hurtful."

"Once again, we chicken-fuckers are being stereotyped and belittled," he said. "We need to get the message out that the act of love between a man and a chicken, when consensual, is a beautiful thing."

Sooo...keep pluckin' those chickens and rent, borrow, or steal Devil's Rejects.



Halloween Countdown

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Halloween Countdown: 15 Days: Braindead

The Halloween Countdown continues! Few movies are so horrible that you would rather rub icy hot on your genitals than watch a movie like this. TWICE.

Movies like Braindead are exactly that. It's badly edited, shot and acted, the score sucks, the humor is tacky. For a horror spoof, it fails. In a nutshell, it seems like I wrote it.

But no, I didn't. Relieved? This gem was courtesy of Peter Jackson, before he did Lord of the Rings. Yep. Just proves you have to make a few turds before you make a highly polished...turd.

What's this movie about, you ask?
It's about a wimpy guy, Lionel, and his overbearing mother. Lionel finally gets the balls to go out on a date, but his momma can't help but escort the two to the zoo.

Lionel's mom gets bitten at the zoo by a Sumatran rat-monkey and then she turns into a zombie and then turns other sniveling shit puppets into zombies. Bloody gore-fest ensues ending with the loss of life (undead) and limb by lawnmower. It's quite original.

With taglines like:
Some things won't stay down... even after they die.
There's something nasty in Lionel's cellar - His family!
You'll laugh yourself sick!
Prepare for complete mental shutdown...

They weren't kidding.

One of few redeeming moments in this glass bottom boat is the baby scene



I have to confess, that was pretty funny. The only thing that could have made the scenes where Lionel is giving the zombie baby a proper beating MORE shocking, was if the zombie baby "suicide bombed" a daycare center...hypothetically speaking of course.

If you want your Halloween to be Happy, don't rent this, unless TORTURE (such as waterboarding) is your thing.

I give this heap two thumbs down and a middle finger up.



Halloween Countdown

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Halloween Countdown: 16 Days: Count Wussula

I’ve read Bram Stoker's Dracula before, but it has been probably ten or fifteen years so I don’t remember it in it's entirety.

I do remember my reaction was like "HELL TO THE YEAH!" NOT disappointed due to the fact he’s not quite the sophisticated pop culture pansy-ass Dracula we all know and love so much. He was more of a real monster. That's what a vampire should be.

But now, post-Twilight, I’m EVEN more on board with the monster thing. I like my vampires to be more menacing, less sparkly...certainly less like a wussy than Warhol's Dracula AND just as gory.

I am referring to Blood For Dracula, 94 minutes of pure shit.
But it's the best campy art film pile of shit you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I can only assume that Warhol meant for it to be a cheesy satire splattered with buckets of blood. That's why I have a love-hate relationship with this movie.

What footage doesn't bore you to death, kills you with laughter. The first hour which doesn't seem shocking at first, finally comes through and could stimulate the autonomic nervous system of even the most catatonic of vegetables. The last half-hour or so of this film surely would have euthanized Terri Schiavo and made Charles Manson shit his pants.

Now, despite everything I've said, one thing's for sure, Blood For Dracula is still a pretty interesting film, just on the principles that it is so different then what you would expect from a typical Dracula movie.

Gone is the suave vampire that seduces his prey. Here we have a very sickly vampire who relies on his servant for survival; he whines a lot; can only drink the blood of virgins lest he become violently ill, which he does quite often...it appears that virgins are not that easy to come by.

Well no shit, Dumb-ula!
Not only does virgin blood taste better, but it contains all the healthy vitamins and nutrients a thirsty vampire needs...but virgins are scarce these days, thank GAWD. Sluts are/should be just as nutritious as their puritan opposites.

The one thing that saves this film from me giving it a total S&P Steamer rating is the gore. Vomiting blood, mutilation, severing of limbs, and graphic sex scenes all gave the original uncut film an X-rating in 1974.

As stiff as the acting is at times, Udo Kier does a great job in this role. He's believable as a pathetic blood-sucking creature of the night.

Kier vaguely reminds you of Frankenstein's Igor, but he's a blood-soaked bat fuck insane Igor that makes Edward Cullen look like a choir boy dressed up like Little Boy Blue, and makes Nosferatu look like Colonel Klink wearing rubber Spock ears and candy corn fangs.

Kier generally plays a hard-ass in most of his roles and he could have certainly pulled that off in this flick, but he's so much better like this:


LINK



LINK



LINK


and the best line from any movie in the history of film EVAR is



LINK



Rent it today. You won't be totally disappointed.



Halloween Countdown

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Halloween Countdown: 17 Days: Zombie Kid

With Halloween right around the corner, it begs the question, do insomniac zombies count dead sheep?


Nope, but they do like turtles!

LINK


and brains (if they can find them)...

LINK


and techno remixes...

LINK


and PSAs...

LINK


Aww, looks like someone's been eating the GLUE and the PAINT CHIPS again! Then again, maybe an occasional turtle..or a pedophile ripped apart is on the menu for Zombie Kid (remind anybody else of Ralph Wiggam?), but definitely not brains.

Zombie Kid: "I like turtles!"

Zombie Dad: "Braaaaiiiinnnsss..."

Zombie Mom: "Don't talk with your mouth full!"

Halloween Countdown

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Woody Allen, Gary Glitter Show Support For Polanski

Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.

These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.



Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.




Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.

Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi

Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."



Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old has my number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"

Gary Glitter seductively asks:
Do You Wanna Touch Me?

R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.

R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00

Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.

You talkin' to me?

Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.



But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.

'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.




Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.

But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.

I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.

This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.



One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

- Roman Polanski on fucking young girls (source)

If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.

Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.

Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.

But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.

Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus.
Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!

Phillip Garrido could not be reached for comment.

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I Saw Her Again Last Night

"I Saw Her Again Last Night," the famous song by the Mamas and the Papas. Bet you didn't know the real meaning behind it...did ya? And you thought news of the weird couldn't get any MORE weird.

note: No animals, persons, or piles of vomit were harmed in the making of this article and video. However as always - Viewer Discretion is Advised.

Yes, dear readers Mackenzie Phillips recently admitted to being raped and then engaging in an incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas and the Papas founder, John Phillips, for TEN years...starting at the age of 19.

If you're unfamiliar with Mackenzie Phillips, she co-starred on the television show One Day At A Time alongside Valerie Bertinelli.

Mackenzie revealed the bombshell on what else, but The Oprah Winfrey Show (the place to make such revelations naturally,) the news coincides with the release of her book, High On Arrival.

So the question remains, is it true, or is it some kind of marketing stunt?
Or is she mistaken...and it's some kind of marketing stunt?

Either way, there appears to be some skeletons in her closet. And it's a brilliant marketing stunt. If her statement and recollection of the event(s) are true, I find it to be the most disgusting and horrible thing I've ever heard...other than hearing that there was a heartfelt tribute to Dirty Dancing on Dancing With The Stars last Wednesday.



Your place or mine? Shame on John Phillips. Raping your own daughter? When she's passed out?

That's only something I would have expected creepy pedophile apartment maintenance guy, Schneider, to be capable of doing..after getting both girls drunk and slipping them GHB.

In High On Arrival, Mackenzie discloses that her dad John Phillips drugged and raped her on the eve of her wedding to Jeff Sessler. At the time, Sessler was a member of the Rolling Stones’ entourage. John Phillips passed away in 2001.

Mackenzie said John and herself were pumped full of drugs when she woke up to realize her father was pumping her. And if THAT isn't BAD ENOUGH, according to Mackenzie..she became a willing partner in the incestuous relationship much later.

Um...EW? HORRIFYING!

Additionally, Mackenzie Phillips has had a long history with drug abuse.
Papa Phillips shot the girl up for her first time. And she states she first tried cocaine when she was 11.

Another creepy old pervert, Mick Jagger, once had a close encounter with Phillips when she was 18. Jagger went into her room and locked the door. Jagger told her he had been waiting for that moment since she was 10 years old!

Mick stripped off his skin tight cat suit, bent over, and with lips so big he can play a tuba..from either end..demanded she snort cocaine off his taint, and mount him just like David Bowie did back in the day.

It's all true.

Also, this bombshell comes after Phillips was charged with two felonies last year on August 27, 2008 stemming from her arrest at LAX while on her way to a sitcom reunion in New York. Several baggies of cocaine and heroin fell out of her pants while going through airport security.

She was charged with one count of felony possession of cocaine and another for possession of heroin. The DA tacked on a misdemeanor charge of unauthorized possession of a hypodermic needle or syringe...just for kicks. I hope she has fully kicked the habit and gets some much needed therapy.


Upon hearing about her frightfully sick relationship with her father, this was my reaction...

video link for those who have flash disabled:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKac8r794OY


If I may be candid, after hearing about this twisted story...even after seeing The Exorcist as a kid and being scared shitless with all the gross vomit scenes in that flick...I don't like bringing this up...but, I now suffer from emetophobia.

Yes, an EMT with emetophobia (not scatophobia, or even worse, hemophobia...but emetophobia..and now I'm also experiencing bouts of Phillipsophobia - the abnormal and/or irrational fear of hearing about incestuous relationships within the Phillips and other celebrity families.)

It's going to take years of therapy for me to get over this. I think I'm gonna sue.

Wanna know why I have emetophobia? What's soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up? VOMIT.

Any questions?!

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Thought For The Day No. 8

I would really like to find a useful application for lint. It seems like such a wasted resource. Honestly, I feel funny admitting this, but I don't empty the lint trap in the dryer until I know I can pull out a wad of lint so enormous, that it could only be compared to bigfoot, and then I feel like I've accomplished something.

Wash hundreds of socks. Remove lint. Continue napping. And my day is complete.
Let me be clear, I'm not excluding belly button lint here, either. I predict there will be an Art Movement of Belly Button Lint. I believe with the correct shampoo and styling products we could soon see Belly Button Lint gracing the catwalks in Paris and Milan.

Just think about it though. When you clean out your lint trap, imagine all those thick layers of lint you toss out. What if they could be "recycled" and "reused"? Which reminds me, how many socks do you lose every year in your dryer?

Interesting enough, lint can make a great layer of insulation for homes. There are many many other uses for it as well.

For example, making thread from lint, you could replace those lost pair of socks in no time.

Those fuzzy fluffy fibers (which are essentially the by-product of fabrics!) would be a fabulous way to economize the textile industry, don't you think?

We're all trying to think outside of the box with our current economic situation: the restructuring of the health care system, the bailouts, the gasoline shortage and renewable energy...why shouldn't we consider clothing too?

Such an innovation could, oh I dunno...take on a reality series like Project Runway and provide it's homofabulous contestants with such new found passion they literally burst out of their pants?! It's a moment I know I've been eagerly awaiting.

There's no question that such innovation would set the fashion world on it's head!! What an accomplishment it would be to make lines of clothing from...FUZZ! Whether that's dryer or belly button lint (lint in general being the least acknowledged resource), right?! (for more fashion sense see my Hobo Chic article)

In all my excitement it appears I've overlooked an important companion to Belly Button Lint - Bum Crack Lint! Lint can also accumulate at the top of your bum crack, near the small of your back. YES! I know, right?! Depending on the size of your ass, there can be QUITE an accumulation.

Just how much is the question. What is the relationship between these two lint accumulators I wonder? Are they always the same color? Does lint migrate from one location to the other? What are the relative lint densities between bum crack and belly button? There are clearly a number of important, unexplored issues here.

Maybe if we examine it from an astrophysics point-of-view; "A lint gland? Preposterous! However, it is possible through further research to determine that lint is drawn from our underwear by the gravitational force of the tiny black hole that each of us has in our navel." - Albert Einstein on Darwin's Belly Button Lint Theory


Or perhaps human biology is at work; "Lint actually comes from the inside of your belly. This occurred after thousands of years of evolution. There is a (yet-to-be-discovered) lint gland, which resides just behind your belly button. This works something like our sinuses, except instead of producing mucus, it produces lint." - Charles Darwin on The Belly Button Lint Theory


But perhaps the belly button is simply where lint goes to retire after working it's way towards your belly button it's entire life. This is where things get tricky.

According to recent polls conducted by Yours Truly, (there were no subjects to interview, so I made that up), people are relatively indifferent to lint (meaning they have little contempt or love for it).

For example, the "If Your Relationship To Lint Were A Romance, Would Your Feelings Best Be Described As.." poll, consisting of the following answers:

a.) Running scared for the hills!
b.) Wanting to commit, but always feeling unsure.
c.) Ready to make a permanent commitment.
d.) Interested, but taking it slowly and carefully.

25.8% of those polled responded with 'a', 24.6% responded with 'b', 24.3% responded with 'c', 23.9% responded with 'd', and 1.4% responded with "no clue", "get a life", and "f*** the hell off". So the answers given were all too close to really confirm whether people absolutely love or hate lint.

And the "Other Possible Uses For Belly Button Fluff Would Be..." poll I conducted revealed some of the following responses:

storage: "My friend collects his boyfriend's and stores it in his teddy bear." [That Paris (Hilton)..she's a riot!]

clothing: "I'm saving mine to knit a jacket." [Martha Stewart is so resourceful, isn't she?]

baldness: "I'm collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . " [What does that mean exactly? F*** if I know!]

homecraft: "I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make quilts and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint." [EXACTLY!]

lighting: "Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis. I have plenty of ear wax to donate." [I believe this person (Al Gore) is a genius!]

firestarting: "It's useful as tinder when out in the wilderness." [Smokey The Bear is so cool!]


Speaking of wilderness survival, how about those reality TV survival series? Unlike Bear Grylls, most of my skills would be useless in the wilderness. Unless you count making balloon animals as being useful.

Although, balloon artistry is not so useful unless you plan on becoming a clown.
And let's face it, clowns are not so entertaining or popular once you pass a certain age...only fit for children and those that are easily amused.

Although, clown popularity could change if more reality TV shows involving clowns were available for viewers. Here's how one possible reality clown series might play out...

Wilderness Survival Clown: episode 1
Bear spots clown
Clown spots bear
Bear approaches clown
Clown squirts bear w/seltzer water
Bear mauls clown
Wilderness Survival Clown fail

See? Now how entertaining would THAT be? Clown meets bear, bear kills clown. The show contains information, romance, suspense, drama, and lols all in one!


















----------------------------------------------
Listening to:
The Lint Song by MC Lars
---------------------------

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The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question At Walmart

As I've gotten older very few things shock me anymore. Mostly, things that are meant to be shocking end up making me laugh...which happens quite frequently. I often burst out into fits of laughter. I must look like a crazy person...just laughing hysterically seemingly for no reason.

Whether I'm at the bank and see my account balance after I make a deposit; whether I'm opening my mail and come across my latest cable bill; or whether I'm surfing the internets. This would be one of those moments.


As we all know, Walmart is a haven for just about anything you could want. It's also a haven for the lowest common denominator. But not as low as this:

link: http://chir.ps/Xg

BUTT PLUGAH!!!

ahhh...butt plug?
FYI Butt Plug Guy - I don't think they sell butt plugs at Walmart. At least not yet. Since Plan A: Assorted Adult Novelties and Plan B: Butt Plug failed, perhaps for Plan C you can use a Cock Ring instead? And place it firmly around your pencil neck.




If that wasn't enough Walmart lols for you...there's more!

I present:

PEOPLE OF WALMART

A blog that celebrates a plethora of Walmart oddities. Including more ass than you can shake a butt plug at!

Like this:



Ass you wouldn't even want to consider butt pluggable (the above is also included, but most especially this wannabe gangsta onesie ass):



You're welcome for the visuals. Hey if I gotta suffer, so do you!

The only thing more shocking then those Walmart tidbits is this news story about some scumbag BUTT PLUG who slapped a stranger’s crying toddler at a Walmart in Atlanta.

Roger Stephens, 61, baby slapper, slapped with felony and jail time. Looks like a winner, don't he? He appears to be quite the BUTT PLUG bastard. That bastard must have been reading the gospel according to St. Bastard. You have to be a total bastard to slap a child simply for crying.

Annoyed by someone's crying child? Bastard. The toddler probably just needed a pacifier. Getting annoyed with and slapping a toddler is using about as much intelligence as a butt plug has. What a big baby, "Oh, shut that child up, it's annoying me..waaaah!" Stephens needs a pacifier, a big ol' butt plug to just shove in his gaping maw.

His motto must be, "When life gets complicated with no patience for crying brats and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then slap toddlers like a bastard, from the Pecos, to El Paso, to Atlanta... with the bastard music at top volume, a butt plug in my pie hole, and at least a pint of ether, and a case of Arrogant Bastard Ale."



Bastard. Goddamn Butt Plug.

Perhaps the butt plug bastard is getting a bit of bitch slapping himself at the Gwinnett County Detention Center? Nothing pisses me off more than a butt pluggin' bastard. Especially one who's stupidity overshadows his cowardice and need for butt pluggin', because that's where his head is!

There are plenty of butt pluggin' bastards in the world.

There's Fat Bastard, the largest Butt Plug to walk the Earth


There's Ol' Dirty Bastard, foul mouthed Butt Plug Rapper


There's Inglourious Basterds, butt plugs! (ha, just had to throw that in there)


let's not forget Chris Brown, butt plugged bastard,


and there's Michael Vick, to name a few. Total Butt Plugs. The Bastards.


I'd like to see what kind of hits I get for butt plug. I'm sure there will be A LOT.

Jebus! Nothing like a paradigm shift without using the clutch! We need to thin the herd folks.

There are 5 things to use in the defense of children:
Police, Jail, Soap, Jury, Ammo. Use in that order. Starting now.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
So could that butt plug you're sucking on. Bastards.

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