WHEN HAMSTERS ATTACK

rabid hamster

When Hamsters Attack is the #1 website for Hamster Attack Prevention or H.A.P. The best ways to prevent a hamster attack is to stay away from tiny exercise wheels. Do not play "Cher's Greatest Hits" on your boom box. This music has been known to make gerbils go berserk, and may have a similar effect on hamsters. Do not dress entirely in red clothing. You might be mistaken for a giant apple, which most hamsters consider to be a delicious treat.

The most famous of all hamsters was Abrahamster Lincoln.

Killer hamsters were bred in Amsterdam. Scientists in Amsterdam conducted genetic experiments and took chromosomes from a zombie, and a group of stoned and unassuming college students enjoying their spring break in Holland....so basically the same thing. This potent concoction had disastrous consequences and the end result was a hamster so terrifyingly out of control not even the TSA could stop them from entering the country.

I'll be honest with you; hamsters are pretty gangster.

hamster pokemon blackmarket
This hamster had the largest black market Pokemon collection
known to children everywhere (that's illegal in case you didn't know it).
He killed 300 FBI agents with his bare paws.



pimp hamster
Hamsters know how to pimp their hoes.



hamster mule / rodent drug runner
Hamsters can smuggle a kilo of cocaine or heroin in their cheeks.
Just keep stuffing it in. It'll fit!!



jihadist hamster
They hijack commercial airliners.



killer hamster
I will kill you.


So if a hamster is chasing you, climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the hamster waves at you, do not wave back. (It's a cunning hamster trick). If you are attacked by a hamster, curl up into a ball and lie motionless on the ground. Most hamsters don't live past the age of three, so be patient.

7 Comments:

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Static said...

@ Anonymous - Why thank you for that eye opening information you have provided. I can now move forward in life feeling much more empowered with your needlessly turgid litany of cretinisms...that will forever keep my dick hard.

Julio said...

Another old Hampster trick: While you're hiding in a tree, they will often play Run DMC's "King of Rock". Warning: DO NOT respond to the following lyrics of the song:

"To the people in the back
Clap your hands, to the people in the front
Clap your hands, to the people on my left
Clap your hands, to the people on my right
Clap your hands, to the people in the middle
Clap your hands, to the people in the front
Clap your hands, lemme hear it"

REMINDER: DO NOT CLAP YOUR HANDS! The "I Clapped My Hands While Hiding From a Hampster in a Tree Foundation" (not to be confused with "I clapped my hands while hiding from a hampster that LIVES in a tree foundation") has raised $1 Million towards the eradication of the Hampster race. YOU can pledge too at: www.uk viagra sales what is viagra viagra rrp.com

Static said...

@ Julio - Oh YEAH homey. Where it's at. I got two turntables and a microphone...AND another hamster trick is to invite you to AA meetings...don't go! It's an EVIL Human Trafficking trick!! You believe that you are joining a twelve-step program and then they kidnap you and sell you so they can purchase the largest exercise wheel in the world....with their combined efforts the wheel of misfortune will propel their escape at Mach 5...simultaneously crushing their tyrannous leaders!!!! You can read all about it at: www.uk viagra sales what is viagra viagra rrp.com

Static said...

Umm...WHAT do I do if my dick is still hard?

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Static said...

@ Anonymouse I know what I can do..I'll search death records, unclaimed money, and arrest records 'til I'm limp. Brill!!

Btw, the hamsters have been dispatched to your location. When the music begins, please remember to clap your hands. Kthxbai!

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