rabid hamster

When Hamsters Attack is the #1 website for Hamster Attack Prevention or H.A.P. The best ways to prevent a hamster attack is to stay away from tiny exercise wheels. Do not play "Cher's Greatest Hits" on your boom box. This music has been known to make gerbils go berserk, and may have a similar effect on hamsters. Do not dress entirely in red clothing. You might be mistaken for a giant apple, which most hamsters consider to be a delicious treat.

The most famous of all hamsters was Abrahamster Lincoln.

Killer hamsters were bred in Amsterdam. Scientists in Amsterdam conducted genetic experiments and took chromosomes from a zombie, and a group of stoned and unassuming college students enjoying their spring break in Holland....so basically the same thing. This potent concoction had disastrous consequences and the end result was a hamster so terrifyingly out of control not even the TSA could stop them from entering the country.

I'll be honest with you; hamsters are pretty gangster.

hamster pokemon blackmarket
This hamster had the largest black market Pokemon collection
known to children everywhere (that's illegal in case you didn't know it).
He killed 300 FBI agents with his bare paws.

pimp hamster
Hamsters know how to pimp their hoes.

hamster mule / rodent drug runner
Hamsters can smuggle a kilo of cocaine or heroin in their cheeks.
Just keep stuffing it in. It'll fit!!

jihadist hamster
They hijack commercial airliners.

killer hamster
I will kill you.

So if a hamster is chasing you, climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the hamster waves at you, do not wave back. (It's a cunning hamster trick). If you are attacked by a hamster, curl up into a ball and lie motionless on the ground. Most hamsters don't live past the age of three, so be patient.

Worst Job Ever

Mars Rover Returns Photo of Martian Billboard

In response to Comedy Central's billboard guerrilla marketing, the red planet has it's own.

martian billboard

INSTANT UPDATE: Carol Channing volunteers for martian marketing campaign to hit planet earth soon!

carol channing pooted

Flatulent Harassment

Ever heard of a drive-by farting?

The Art of "Jowling"

I've been around & about seen it all folks. That was until I saw this... JOWLING. But, what exactly is jowling? A step by step guide

1. Loosen all of the muscles in your face and refrain from making any expression.

(Y'know get sloppy drunk in other words).

2.Try to keep your eyes and mouth open.

(Shouldn't be hard with an IQ of 62).

3.Shake your head from side to side as quickly as possible while the picture is being taken.

(Install spit screens where necessary & wear raincoat...an umbrella doesn't hurt either).

Make sure to use a digital camera with a flash in order to capture the jowler in freeze frame!

Jowlers and/or Jowling may cause headaches, dizzyness, and possible fainting if performed too many times in a row.

The end result?


Want more? Just click here.

Farts Within the Matrix

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