Ask Static

I recently sifted through my email and amongst the thousands of spams I receive, I occasionally get the love and hate mail. Usually with subject lines such as, "Hey Static, I love you! Will you be the father of my children?" or "Hey Static, you are an irredeemably licentious cock-faced parasite and a belligerent, web-polluting tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog!"

These are always wonderful inclusions and quite refreshing next to such headings as "Same meds but much cheaper", "REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE", "Make $225,000 And More Every Day!", "do you want a bigger p3n1s?" Occasionally I just get asked a variety of questions. Albeit odd questions at times. So in response to this cry for help I've decided to start my own advice column: Ask Static! Eat your heart out Ann Landers.


Dear Static,


According to some, the Law of Attraction is the Power of Positive Thinking on steroids. By intently visualizing your goals, and especially by repeating affirmations such as “I luuuuuv my new Hummer, I can feeeeeeeel the leather seat on my butt,” you “attract” a new Hummer H3 right into your life.

So you think sitting there will get you what you want??


Signed,

I wanna be on Oprah


Thanks for such an insightful question 'I wanna be on Oprah and get a daytime TV celebrity endorsement so I can be another neatly packaged self-righteous guru of excess'!

I'm convinced by your message that you would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle. Clearly, the full area of your ignorance is not yet mapped. Did you simply imagine that once you appear on Oprah and begin broadcasting subliminal messages to grasp people under your absolute control that the ratings would make Amish people break into power grids at electric companies and steal televisions so they could watch more of this tripe? Okay, that could happen. But let me break your fanciful question down into three sections for you.


[According to some, the Law of Attraction is the Power of Positive Thinking on steroids.]

Who is this minority of positive thinkers you refer to as "some"? The power of positive thinking -- no matter how narcissistic a thought it may be -- might exist BECAUSE of steroids. Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger.

the power of the Schwarzenegger

Never underestimate the power of the Schwarzenegger


I think it can also be called a drug and delusions of grandeur induced state where one thinks they are invincible without ever really doing anything. Positive thinking = good. Steroids = bad. I was under the impression that the Law of Attraction -- in its simplest form -- states that "like attracts like." In other words, whatever you focus on the most is what will be most attracted to your life.

At first glance that would seem to state that since we all think about being healthy, rich, and having fulfilling lives that if we simply visualize a pizza in front of us we would all be living "happily ever after," right?

Wrong. I hate to burst your bubble, but although it is true that if we properly focused on those things that they would come to us in abundance, the truth is that most people don't focus on having those things -- they focus on the fact that they DON'T have those things! Like, "where is my damn pizza?"

Your alteration of the sweet and humble idea that rather than constantly living in the future or the past, in achievement or in wealth -- that it might actually be more beneficial for your spirit to learn to celebrate and indulge in the present moment -- someone like you takes those ideas, you knead them, filter them and bastardize them and make them, well, a made up catch word or phrase and a big shopping list of crap you need to accomplish in order to make your existence seem complete. It's life as commodity; your soul on a credit card; materialism as the pinnacle of meaning.

This is nothing more than looking to the future and finding newer, better ways to enrich (control) our lives, and help ourselves become better people by purchasing more shit we don't need.

Isn't the power of positive thought more about appreciating the abundance you already have rather than acquiring more possessions?

That's right, I'm sorry, you were asking the questions.


[By intently visualizing your goals, and especially by repeating affirmations such as "I luuuuuv my new Hummer, I can feeeeeeeel the leather seat on my butt," you "attract" a new Hummer H3 right into your life.]

Hey I'd like to "attract" a lot of things into my life, like Charlize Theron, or being a winning contestant on American Idol, but sometimes you have to be realistic. Besides, I think I'd rather attract a more eco-friendly vehicle like the Peel:


The Peel gets 100 mpg and you can park it for FREE, behind another massive SUV some dimwit soccer mom tried to parallel park but ends up leaving that extra 3.9674 feet behind her bumper. And guess who will get the ticket? This car might as well be invisible, because it doesn't even resemble a car. So it's a win-win! Plus it has burlap seats which are comfortable in any weather. I hate the feel of goose pimply cold leather on my naked buttocks or having them scorched off on a hot summer day (I like to drive naked, OKAY?)

Also the H3 = gas guzzler at $3.40 avg per gal = not environmentally friendly = supports the war in Iraq and the exploitation of other countries natural resources... In short GLOBALIZATION, which is not what the elusive and ideal meaning of being successful should ever embody. Unless you are George W. Bush or a citizen who just doesn't care, e.g. "whatever doesn't disrupt my American way of life buddy, just fill 'er up, give me my damn short-term instant gratification and give it to me now!" DUH HUHR.


[So you think sitting there will get you what you want??]

Has that worked/how's is that working for you I wanna be on Oprah?

Here's some additional witty quotes to think about;
*Carpe Diem - Seize the day
*Carpe Noctum - Seize the night
*Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants
*Carpe Ovum - Seize the egg
*Cave Canem - Beware of the dog
*If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
*The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
*The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
*We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.
*That's it, no more free will.
*In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.
*Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
*If you aren't paying attention, you will not be home when opportunity comes knocking at your door!
*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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