Somehow I found myself in the middle of a war on the internet. I'm not quite sure how it happened as I was pleasantly minding my own business. It was a day like any other, only it was the kind of day where the birds were swimming in the ocean and the fish were flying in the sky. So I knew something was amiss.
I was visiting a local pancake shop, Hot Carl's, for a mid-morning breakfast. They have a somewhat limited menu selection, since they only serve pancakes all day, everyday, round-the-clock. Pepe the pancake-maker looks quite exhausted most of the time, the poor schlep. And the pancakes are mysteriously brown and nutty, but delectable nonetheless.
All of a sudden a fat little midget demon bursts into the establishment screaming, "I AM DAMO, AND I WANT MY CHEESE PANCAKES NOW!"
Spotting this complete lunatic I had my can of mace at the ready.
Of course, such is my luck that this rambling Angry Clown immediately took interest in me and dropped into the empty seat at my booth. Well...more like climbed into the seat, which took a dreadfully long time as he kept refusing anyone's help to get into it. He looked like Mickey Rooney trying to get into a high chair. Pepe looked quite frustrated as if he had been through this before...
People were nervously twitching and looking at the little monster who sat before me.
The silence and the tension in the joint were so thick you could cut through them with a chainsaw.
After a few moments of this freak furtively trying to lock eyes with me, I calmly said, "Yeah, and what the hell do you want?"
My words sounded like a pin drop in an empty bank vault.
Damo started muttering and stammering something about a boat dilemma, cheese, needing a lawyer, parrots, and shark lovin' on Bird Island.
After about 30 seconds of this nonsense I gave him a slap and told him, "Calm down, calm down, shhh... You're coming up on the wrong riff, Clyde. Can you dig? That's better."
After his eyes stopped rattling in his head they came to a fixed gaze upon mine and he gave me quite the glare at first, but the glare receded into a sincere smile and what appeared to be pure thankfulness overcame his face.
Little did I know he had nicked my can of mace, as I had set it on the table in order to slap him.
"We've got to get out of here," Damo whispered. In an instant he lept up into the air and maced the restaurant. He MACED the entire restaurant!
Fearing a "Manson-esque slaughter" everyone hit the floor or made for the door. People were coughing and sputtering, "Get me outside", "Oy", "Holy shart", amongst other phrases that weren't quite as audible. One couple jumped straight out of a pane glass window after doing a quick sign of the cross. It was a total clambake!
The screams and hollers sounded like a troop of baboons fighting. I swear, one offered his swollen red buttocks for passive intercourse probably in the hopes this melee would end.
The whole damn place got maced, as this was a very large can of the noxious chemical.
It was on the ceiling, all over the walls, in my mouth, my eyes, my ears. At one point it looked like Damo was squirting some into his mouth and shouting some gibberish like "sweet nourishing gruel... die puffin sympathizers!". This was the first time I realized, "Oh, God - this is not an ordinary person. This is somebody that does things with a paranoiac fever. A very angry clown. A clown possibly suffering from mad clown disease."
Tears were running down my cheeks and my eyes were watery too. My vision went blurry, then I lunged forward and started to stagger around wearing my plate of food and several others in the process.
Someone grabbed me and very quickly shoved me outside into a running car. I could hear Damo yelling in short incoherent bursts, "Everyday die a little!"... "King Threio!"... "U-Turn here!"... "Goldbrickers!"... "Damn Albatross Squadron!"... "Step on it!"... "Where are my Cheese Doodles?!"...
As my vision cleared I figured out we were close to a ship yard, and then the vehicle we were in came to a screeching halt. I was shoved out onto the pier by Damo and landed with a thud. The cab we were in sped away, the driver shrieking at the top of his lungs, "God help us all!"
All of a sudden Damo grabbed my coat collar and started dragging me across the pier towards the dock. I heard a squabble behind me--Damo was shoving people off the gangplank. This all happened so fast I didn't have time to react. Before I knew it, Damo hijacked the massive ship using a screw driver and a live crab. "Anyone moves and the crab gets it!" he screamed. Women gasped, men guffawed. The captain fell over, flat on his face, and ceased moving. "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped," Damo exclaimed.
"This ship is going to Bird Island, Antigua and that is that!"
Damo then conked several persons including myself on our heads with the dangling crab in his hand, rendering us unconscious. When I came to it seemed like days had passed. I was locked in a small cabin, no porthole, only a toilet and a cot for a bed. I seem to remember Damo wearing a George W. Bush mask and humping my leg. Realizing I was awake he chloroformed me. I never forget a face, but in this case I would have been glad to make an exception.
His brief conversation was the same rhetoric, over and over, "We need troops to take on the role of cheese men and fight against the horrific beak of King Threio. If you think you have got what it takes that would be awesome! Btw, you're my lawyer if anyone asks."
"Huh, what the hell?" I'd say. Then he'd chloroform me again.
I had terrible nightmares and thoughts during this kidnapped voyage.
I found a scrap of paper and pencil and chronicled my experience during the few moments of consciousness I had. A makeshift journal if you will.
Entry number 1: King Threio's Cheese Crusades
On July 8, 2008, cheese demon and terrorist DAMO, staged an uprising in Ramblingmanville over rising cheese prices. He is demanding the lowering of prices on all dairy products.
DAMO and his constipated followers have declared war on all Bird Monarchs.
Hell if I remember what it meant at first. But then this story is just starting to become crystal clear.
Oh you shall get yours Damo...OH YES! You have not heard the last of this you midget demon - GWB molesting - magical voyage... if it's the last thing I do! >=} (evil grin)