Ask Static: Part Tresbian

Yes, it's that time again folks. I get to answer your questions and offer a teaspoonful of my wisdom (anymore than that and you might gag or your brain could explode). I was recently contacted by a reader who has a rather unusual predicament. It seems she has a male friend who is a little bit too curious about her relationships with her girlfriends, if you know what I mean. No? Then read on to find out more...

Dear sock puppety freak,


This might sound like a stupid question... Well, I thought it was stupid until it was posed to me and a group of girlfriends. The guy was asking why we were all holding hands and being all close...are we lesbians. I thought it was just how women are -- we tend to nurture and support each other and bond on an emotional level.

Plus, I think culture plays a big role as well. Differing culture have differing definitions of how females bond.

I never really thought that there's any sexual overtones to it until that guy posed the question. So... I ask you the same question.


Signed,


Not-a-lesbian


Dear Not-a-lesbian,

EVERYTHING can have sexual overtones to it when dealing with horn-dogs.

Unless you like plaid shirts with the sleeves cutoff, you have a stylish mullet which is a business-like crew cut up front and all party in the back, an innate fondness of softball, an unnatural love for power tools, and an inclination towards motorcycles and guzzling diesel, you aren't a lesbian.

But if you are a lesbian, spend an evening with Sven the male prostitute just to be sure and this too shall pass (not all too soon thank god.. even butch lesbians are hotter than Sven.)

But then again, maybe deep down you are a lesbian. The atypical lesbian, a "lipstick" lesbian, and you just don't know it yet. I suggest you sleep with your girlfriends first and then with Sven just to be sure. Make sure you video tape the events and send them to my email address asap. I will help you make the determination as to your sexual orientation. Frankly, from what I can tell at this point I think you're bisexual. As a trisexual (try anything once) I have much experience with these diagnoses.

Also based on hidden meanings here, I estimate that your "guy friend" is completely homophobic, which stems from his latent homosexual tendencies. To get him in touch with his real identity and feelings, buy him a Village People cd, send him gay porn in his email and invite him for drinks at a local gay bar. Introduce him to some new friends. Like Sven.

Months later someone will ask him why he's all holding hands and being all close with his "buddies".


Sincerely,

Barry Manilow


Some famous lesbians
 
the last picture is not Barry Manilow


9 Comments:

dani c said...

Hahaha I enjoyed this post. Too funny..especially the lesbo pics..lol

scarlet-blue said...

What is the last picture then?
Sx

Don said...

Fuck me naked and throw away the key! Clay Aiken? Get da fuck out! Clay Aiken???

Jeffman said...

Excellent answer, Static, my good fellow. Just a couple of questions.

(With regards to Don's reply) Who the devil is Clay Aiken?

What the deuce is that sticking out of Ellen DeGeneres's neck?

Merv said...

Dear Barry

Your music and lesbians are enough to cause a sexual explosion.


Regards

Merv

ps Who is Clay Aiken?

~Static~ said...

@dani c - There were lesbo pics? What lesbo pics? Where?!

@scarlet-blue - A picture of a horse's ass or a lesbo. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

@ Don - I'm sorry, what were you asking exactly?

@Jeffman - Not quite certain what a Clay Aiken is. From my understanding, neither does it.

That is a bolt sticking out of Ellen's neck. It was used by Dr. Frankenstein to re-animate her corpse.

@Merv - I recently contacted Mr. Manilow who had this to say,
"Thanks a million, Merv. I write the songs that the whole world sings. I write the songs that cause a sexual explosion!

Love,

Barry

p.s. Clay Aiken is my love child. I gave birth to Clay, I breast fed Clay, I taught Clay how to write songs, Clay left home, did American Idol and now Clay won't call me anymore."

I hope that answers your question. Apparently, Barry Manilow has a vagina, and according to recent new reports, so does Clay Aiken.

Pensacola Beach Vacation said...

thanks for the heads up.

~Static~ said...

["Pensacola Beach Vacation said...

thanks for the heads up."]

Wow! Are you spamming my page again?

=\

If so, have a nice warm cup of stfu.

If not, well then... You're Welcome. And THANKS (again)!


=D

~Static~ said...

Also, the first lesbian pictured might still be considered a whale penis. This however is still unsubstantiated and should be treated simply as the delusions of a Yeti on special K.

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