Hollywood, CA (Krapsody) - Keanu Reeves ran over a photographer yesterday afternoon with his Porsche. The photographer, Sal Saliva, has survived and is suing Mr. Reeves, the star of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Letting Go.
Saliva has filed a lawsuit against Reeves, for allegedly running him over. Saliva claims his face is mangled and his entire body was shattered, including his pelvis and his arms.
However, the hospital that attended Saliva, stated he was treated for a broken pinky toe and some minor cuts and bruises, then released later that evening.
Saliva also filed a motion to prohibit Reeves' camp from referring to him in future proceedings as a paparazzo or member of the paparazzi.
Saliva argues, such terminology could cast him in a negative light with the jury, citing in part the blame placed on paparazzi for the death of Princess Diana. Even though Saliva has been fingered, and additionally pointed at as one of the responsible parties in her death, the finger has since been washed, thoroughly.
Saliva, mad as hell.Saliva stated he would prefer to be called a "reporter," "celebrity photographer" or "photojournalist," and wants restitution in the amount of $100 billion U.S. dollars for the accident, and for being called a "Scumbag Paparazzo", according to the filing.
"Reeves broke my ass, and hurt my feelings, adding insult to injury, dammit. I demand compensation!", Saliva said. "But, at least he didn't sit on me. Have you seen how fat he is now?", he quipped.
The motion left Reeves' camp wondering, "What about all the times Saliva referred to himself as a paparazzo, or a piss gargling arse-wipe?"
Reeves camp was further quoted as saying, "How politically correct do we need to be here, people? When do we dispense with calling a feathered mammal, simply, a duck; cease calling a liar, a politician; and refrain from referring to highway robbers asstockbrokers?"
"This is outrageous," Reeves camp added, "and we shall simply refer to Saliva as The Scumbag Paparazzo Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over a Third Time, from now on."
Reeves' motion states, that Saliva certainly won't be covering any serious news (lame insider gossip and fake stories) or shooting anyone's portrait (standing in their bushes taking pictures of them in the shower) in the near future. Rather, he'll be "learning how to walk again, taking morphine doses until he passes out/nearly overdoses, putting together jigsaw puzzles, emptying his colostomy bag daily, continuing to take up space and breathe air, and of course, drooling incessantly -- things he did before the accident anyway. So why should we refer to him in any other manner."
The unexpected twist: Saliva's MySpace page is listed as belonging to "The Scumbag Keanu Reeves Should Have Backed Up and Run Over A Third Time."
Reeves has denied any wrongdoing, saying that Saliva tripped over his own feet, and fell under his car while attempting to jump onto the hood to capture a candid shot. Keanu stated, "Woah dudes, I didn't want to slow down. In fact, if I remember correctly, I think I accelerated when I saw him fall."
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