Tues Oct. 18, 2008
Monaco, France (Krapsody) - On Saturday at the Monaco Zoo, Alois Schieklgrüber, one of the most famous elephant trainers in Europe, lost his keys to the animal cages inside an elephant. It was a master set, making the situation all the more urgent. An emergency extraction had to be performed. The elephant, Penelope, is said to be out of harms way and is doing well. It is reported that the keys could have caused a "bowel problem", requiring an unconventional method of removal.
Alois inside the elephant with his assistants, Aziz and Hugo,
nearby in case he falls all the way in and can't get out.
During the three hour procedure, Alois stated, "I must find my keys or Penelope could have a very serious colon obstruction.. Oh look, I found my wallet and a live artillery shell in here, too. Wow, I didn't realize that there's so much room. I think I see a Cadillac parked further inside."
Apparently, Alois spends a lot of time inside the elephants. According to Alois, "...it's a great place to get away. I feel that it's a place I can hide from all the noise and people. It's my sanctuary, my home away from home. Up until now it was my secret hideaway, only the elephants knew."
Alois stumbled, quite by mistake, upon his "home away from home" when he was cleaning the elephant's cages a number of years ago. Alois explains, "In the summer of 1999, me and an assistant were hosing down the elephants, when an elephant slipped and fell backward, I went headfirst, diving into the rectal cavity of Sheeba. Sheeba was one of our younger female pachyderms we had. As I was stuck inside, I discovered a new sense of panic, but at the same time, I experienced a blessing... I saw my life flash before my eyes, this elephant saved my life! I could very well have broken my neck if it weren't for Sheeba catching me with her sphincter."
Alois tears up, "Sheeba has since passed on, the veterinarian said it was "shock", but ever since that day, I have made it a point to pay homage to her by climbing into the elephants every evening. And then for some reason the other night, I forgot my keys. I've been very distracted lately."
The Monaco Zoo reprimanded Alois for his strange habit and losing the keys. However, since Alois threw a fit and the keys were successfully recovered, they have reconsidered their position. Zoo spokesperson, Xavier L'Arsendre had this to say, "We have been notified that Alois is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, his therapist believes his habit is very therapeutic for him. We only ask that Alois make advance requests to slip inside the elephants in the future. The Zoo will provide an escort to hold the keys or call for help in the event he gets lost inside one of their body cavities."
Activists for PETA and CAPS (Captive Animals Protection Society) have an entirely different view.
CAPS has released this statement to the press, "This is a sick and disgusting practice. We cannot believe the Monaco Zoo is letting Mr. Schieklgrüber get away with his deviant behavior. First of all, this small zoo appears out of place in an area full of wealth and glamour. Secondly, Mr. Schieklgrüber is out of place in an elephant's butt, and has no business being in there. It's a safety hazard for the elephants. We are quite sure that Mr. Schieklgrüber's sentiments are not shared by the inmates of the archaic zoo."
PETA publicly condemned the Monaco Zoo for Schieklgrüber's actions, and allowing him to continue his habits. PETA is also declaring the conditions it allows its animals to live in as, "deplorable", "shocking", and "disappointing".
Alois Schieklgrüber, has since apologized, but has no plans to stop his late night ritual. "I will continue to visit the elephant's rectums. I have been doing this for a number of years, and I don't see any reason to stop at this point. If people want to call me disgusting, or a freak, I don't really care. I am not doing this because of a sexual perversion. I am doing this because it makes me happy, and for my mental health, it's therapy."