Ask Static: Part Forsaken

Before I get to the nitty gritty of a reader's email, the fourth question for Krapsody's advice column, Ask Static, I trust everyone is having a good holiday so far this year. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from Krapsody.

Be safe kids. We will have no drunken carousing while trying to shoot a turkey at the last minute, and taking out your foot instead. Also, please refrain from slaughtering turkeys in the background while a former vice-presidential candidate is doing a television interview. That is just really poor taste. Thank you.

Now that we have that covered, I'm sifting through the rubbish that is my email, and Great Scott, what's this? This one looks interesting. Yes, I think this one is quite good.


Static,


Has all of humanity lost their way? Why does no one comment on my blog like they do yours? If they do leave comments they only make fun of me. Why oh why oh why?



Respectfully,

God

To leave a comment, or not leave a comment, that is the question.
I choose not to leave a comment.

Doh, I see that didn't last long.
Alright, well, seeing as my resolve was short-lived I may as well comment upon your inquiry..um.. Mr. uh... God..

Short answer for your VERY BROAD first question is, yes.
Good. On to the next one.

Secondly, comments are great! I mean both the good ones, and the bad ones. The comments I have received are sublime. I appreciate every single comment people have left on my blog, and I try very hard to respond to every one of them. There's a few that have been downright negative, or just out-and-out spam. But that simply adds variety, and variety is the spice of life, my friend. Be careful you don't add too many spices however, doing that will give you heartburn.

As for me, whenever I visit blogs, I’m a serial-commenter by nature. It’s probably because I have an opinion on everything, and maybe it's that I think people care. Or honestly, maybe it's because I’m a compulsive freak. I also like to poke fun at things, including people, maybe I'm a sicko or something. You probably know me better than I know myself, God. So you tell me?

Since we're asking questions here, I have a few of my own. What benefit do you think there is in getting comments? Wouldn't you say that many people are dumber than monkeys? As a matter of fact I'm betting that half of them ARE monkeys. So why would you care or even want to know what those monkey people think?

CAN YOU SPARE $4 BILLION DOLLARS? What's a few billion between friends? Isn't that the reason why we are losing our way? Oh, right. You don't believe in evolution, or money, and you were asking the questions.

Here's a fable to consider:

I have one burning passion in my loins. Like a flaming, golden hawk.

Whoops! Wrong one. Alright, here we go.

A BALD KNIGHT, who wore a wig, went out to hunt. A sudden puff of wind blew off his hat and wig, at which a loud laugh rang forth from his companions. He pulled up his horse, and with great glee joined in the joke by saying, "What a marvel it is that hairs which are not mine should fly from me, when they have forsaken even the man on whose head they grew."

Thy pride is but the prologue of thy shame - Aesop's Fables

The moral of the story, is that sometimes you have to not only be the joke, but you need to own the joke.

By owning the joke you join in and act like, "Yeah! That's right. So I'm a silly looking, bloated, chrome-domed knight who overcompensates by acting all tough and stuff until my wig flies off. Ain't no thang to me. I'm keeping it real. While you guys are busy splitting hairs, or making fun of my lack thereof, I'm still baggin' all your ladies, and a turkey to boot. 'Cause I'm Mr. Personality."

So see? Sometimes a good diversion is all you need to turn the joke around on them. You shouldn't get all bent when some dimwits make fun of you. After all we're only human... and you're like... God and stuff, dude.


Tune in next week when I help a group of battered fathers escape their 5-year-old tormentors...





10 Comments:

Don said...

Fuck Aesop! That dude's wig flying through the air would've been priceless...am I missing the moral of the story?

Happy Thanksgiving teh ~Static~ and don't choke en teh giant gizzard.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I bet he wouldn't have taken possession of the joke if someone had started slapping his head to the tune of 'She'll be coming round the mountain'.

Damian (666) said...

Ah but without the misfortune there would be no reply and no need for said reply, is it better to prevent incidences of this nature or to cure, what would happen if the said reply was not delivered or delivered wrong?

It could of been disastrous for the bald knight. Having said that is life not about taking chances and risks? Risking ones own self is worth the joke and can be rewarding only if done correctly and in context.

Still being put into a position where a "comeback" that is not offensive to the " laughing dimwits" and yet being very offensive to a man that is obviously down on his luck by having his hair made into a wig for some rich fool in my opinion is childish and lacking in courage, he chose the one person to direct the misfortune towards that wasn't there to defend them self and is therefore a cowardly act.

But what else was there to do besides reply in this manor?

The phrase "turn the other cheek" comes to mind but leaves him open to "wisecracks" about being a pussy that cannot stand up for himself eg- "good comeback douche".

In all this it is the hair that is the victim and the perpetrator and should of been hung and beheaded immediately!

Huh? I'm confused.

~Static~ said...

@Don - Let me tell you something. Aesop was the shit. He lived a life of obscurity. What is known is, he was a slave in Samos around 550 B.C. Aesop and his fables were mentioned in the works of Aristophanes, Plato, Xenophon, and Aristotle. Eventually freed, Aesop traveled to Athens and spoke up for the common people against tyranny, which incensed Peisistratus of Athens, a tyrannical ruler who opposed free speech.

According to the historian Herodotus, Aesop met with a violent death at the hands of the inhabitants of Delphi, though the cause was not stated. Various suggestions were made by later writers, such as his insulting sarcasms, the embezzlement of money entrusted to him by Croesus for distribution at Delphi, and his alleged sacrilege of a silver cup. A pestilence that ensued was blamed on his execution.

Aesop was a talented writer who not only overcame great obstacles, he was educated, respected and mentioned by esteemed Greek scholars, he also spoke out for the rights of common folk in his fables. His writings became the basis for the genre of Flash Fiction that included many great writers such as Anton Chekhov, O. Henry, Franz Kafka, H.P.Lovecraft, Arthur C. Clarke, Ray Bradbury, and Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. to name but a few.

Aesop's last days indicate he was like the famous mobsters of Chicago. In essence, Aesop could backhand anyone he chose to, take their money, piss, shit and bust-a-nut on their fine dinnerware/consecrated items, and then laugh about it until the day he was murdered in the street... going out in a blaze of glory! Aesop rules! Learn it bitch. =P (and no, you're not missing the moral of the story...)

~Static~ said...

@Damo - WTF? I'm also confused. Where did you find that unreasonable, unsupported, one-sided, nihilistic bullkrap?

The writer clearly has not ever been good at telling jokes, but is more or less a walking joke. Probably the butt of everyone's jokes; got beat up daily on the playground until high school. That writer is cynical, bitter, and could find fault in nursery rhymes, and even in the morals of Aesop's Fables.

What a pessimistic prick. Why don't they go eat a bag of dicks.

=D

~Static~ said...

@Gorilla dude - I bet he would have ripped off their heads and shit down their necks, had they attempted to carry out such a foolish and dangerous undertaking.

Baggin' a turkey would not have been the only thing the Balding Knight would have gotten while hunting that day. He'd have a few scalps, and suits of human skin to boot.

Damian (666) said...

@ Static "WTF? I'm also confused. Where did you find that unreasonable, unsupported, one-sided, nihilistic bullkrap?"

It twas in my brain...thx

~Static~ said...

@Damo - Um, sorry?

One Time said...

Say, I didn't know God had a blog...

~Static~ said...

@ One Time - Of course. He's God. An omnipotent being. He not only has a blog, but he has the internets. In fact, he created them.. on the eighth day. Don't you know anything? =P

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