Ladies and Gentlemen: The 44th President of the United States of America

The day Senator Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of this great land, marks an important day in history. In fact, apparently the whole world thought so too. Thousands, nay millions, perhaps billions of people were freaking out all over the planet. Dancing, parading, waving banners of praise in the streets; once again falling in love with the USA and it's leader after many years of being repulsed by it. I wonder how George W. felt about all that? Talk about being the most unpopular guy ever.

Yes, it was an amazing day alright, I thought to myself as Hillary Clinton was blowing me in a gas station restroom. That's also how amazingly important this date in history is. But that's a tale for not just another blog entry, but a book I'm selling the photos and rights to. Anyway, I'm trying to de-cougarize myself these days. Is it possible to speed date at one hundred and eight years of age? Never mind.

God also agreed it was an amazing day indeed. Yes, I can rhyme all the time. Further proof that I'm absorbing the amazing greatness of another cultural revolution.

gawd goatse obama

God endorses Obama


We should all aspire towards greatness, and having God goatse our name. Would that be called a Godse? Gee, I don't know.

What I do know is, Mr. Obama has his work cut out for him. The economy is teetering on the edge of a cliff. Our foreign policy, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Russia... Togo. All the expectations that are projected onto him. Not to mention what breed of dog the Obama family will adopt.

Change is a good thing. It's the only constant in the universe. For instance, tomorrow I will probably change my shorts. Maybe not, I'm still undecided. About my shorts I mean. I try to get as much mileage out of them as possible. It's my way of going green.

I wasn't undecided when it came to voting. I mean, the choice was pretty clear to me. Some old crank, or someone more refreshing, like a cool breeze, an after dinner mint, if you will?

I'm positively elated that there are some ignoramuses out there, just completely flipping out that "their" America has elected a "black" president, or more appropriately, a president that is not white. It's.. poetic justice.

I just can't help myself but think of humorous situations about everything, including the election. That's how I roll. I can find something funny in a worst case scenario. No, I don't mean "What if McCain had Won". Although funny, that would have also been equally as horrifying and sorely disappointing. What I mean is, what if Obama picked up where Bush left off? Here's what that might look like.

Obama's first task as president: Read here.

THEN! Flash to Sunday, December 23, 2012 (the projected End of Days according to the Mayan Calendar.)

From the Journals of John McCain, Jerome R. Corsi, Don Imus, Michael Richards, Fred Phelps... Somebody.

"Europeans were horrified. How can Europe contain all these displaced Americans? French President Nicolas Sarkozy stated, "Ve don't hav anee room for zees people! Besides ve hate white trash Americanz. Let zem die." All of Europe was in agreement.

Caucasian people everywhere in America were shoving their cars full of their valuables and belongings after hearing the news, they knew their time was up and their names would be called next. Many headed for Mexico. They made it as far as Texas and they ran out of gas. The great gas shortage of 2010 was not merely a speculation.

They had to make the rest of the way on foot, through their own shitty US-Mexico Border that was partially rebuilt in the last ten years, in a half-assed manner by illegal aliens, the government ran out of funds and deported them all before they could finish.

The Displaced Americans had to crawl under hundreds of yards of barbed wire, run across the desert like pack mules, swim across the rivers to reach safety among the noble Mexican people they so often took for granted or snubbed on their vacations.

Many of them perished from dehydration, exposure, drowning, scorpion and rattlesnake bites, and banditos taking potshots at them from hilltops.

So now the rest of the White Americans sail around the world with no port open to them. Many others take their chances crossing into Canada, getting trampled by moose and mauled by wild bear and cannibal Mounties.

O! It is a sad for displaced White Americans, indeed. Goodbye, cruel world. We bid you adieu. We're going now. See you on the other side..."

10 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I always thought Hillary gave great head but Obama...Man, he's the whitest black guy I've ever seen. America won't have a black president until someone like this dude gets elected.

~Static~ said...

@Mr. Bananas - You? And Hillary? Man, I better get to the clinic and have my shots again. Sheesh!

I would totally vote for Dave Chappelle. Not because he's black. But because he's the man.

Sharath said...

BY All that is good about American ideals we swear...

TOGO WILL BE A FREE DEMOCRATIC STATE!

Once we depose their lizard king Golthar.

Don said...

I'm just going to sell all of my worldly possessions and buy a truckload of weed. Then go to Bangladesh, get high and jump off the edge of the world. Or is that Togo?

~Static~ said...

@Sharath - LULZ! I'm all for foreign occupation. When do we invade Togo?

@Don - Got room for one more?

Sharath said...

When we figure out the difference between "Togo" and the budget payless shoe brand Bogo.

We'll attack

Joe the Plumber said...

You window licking, soap dropping, jock strap sniffing, toe jam munchers
you Obama supporters are reaping exactly what you have sown

I'll see you Obama supporters in hell!

~Static~ said...

@Sharath - Togo is is a narrow country in West Africa. Bogo brand shoes are made in a sweat shop in Togo. Good 'nuff?

@Joe the Unlicensed Plumber - You're one to talk. You were used simply as a plant by McCain's Campaign Advisers. We see how well that worked, sneaky bastards. So, reap what you sow. You have less value than the appalling squandering of oxygen and water required to keep you from being maggot meat, you dungaree-sporting dufus. Do something useful with your time, dress up as a KKK member, visit a Black Panther meeting, film it and upload your beating on YouTube.

Sharath said...

Poor joe...

Someone put it in your ass in the High school locker room huh?

And being the big, macho caricature of a protomale it broke what little self-esteem you had.

Now you garb yourself in the image of the most mediochre, unimportant, and plain average...Joe the fucking plumber.

It's sad we still reward the dumb in america.

"HEY MAN LET"S GO SHOOT SOME GUNS, DRINK SOME BUSCH LIGHT, WATCH SOME NASCAR, AND THEN GO TO THE LARRY THE CABLE GUY SHOW TONIGHT!"

The times are a changin' joe. Finally america appreicaes intelligence and charisma over idiotic lowest common denominator acessiblity.

I'd suggest you go read a fucking dictionary and shut up.

@ Static:

YES! The iraq war parallels are abundant! Instead of inalidating a country's sovereignty for oil, we can fuck over Togo for another commodity: BOGO SHOES!!!

Operation Sneaker Freedom.

~Static~ said...

@Sharath - I don't think Joe can read.

I think Operation Sneaker Freedom sounds like a pretty good idea, but I was thinking more along the lines of Freeing Bogo from the conformist nature of Togo sweatshops. Oh right, same thing.

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