|How to tell if you've been naughty|
Sat Dec. 27 , 2008
Christmas Town, U.S.A. (Krapsody) - The Christmas prowler still on the on loose has a name...Santa! That's right year after year "jolly old Saint Nick" has been raiding and looting homes across the globe!
It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."
Despite being single-handedly responsible for a centuries-long crime spree, Santa Claus has never been successfully taken into custody, nor has a security camera ever taken any pictures that could be positively identified as being him. At least in part, this is because Santa's crimes are always committed under the cover of night on a major holiday, and because he has always targeted private residences instead of business establishments.
Santa has been up to a whole lot of no-good this season. If you've been following our up to the minute reporting you'd know that he almost canceled Christmas this year.
Based on the few eyewitness accounts of Santa Claus in action, the FBI has constructed this composite sketch:
sketch by forensic artist Alice B. (age 7)
Thank heavens the man was fully dressed for that illustration. It's a stunning likeness, don't you think?
One of our investigators was able to locate one of Santa Claus' accomplices who has accompanied him on several of these annual raids. On the condition that his identity not be revealed he was willing to speak to one of our reporters, Krapsody's own, Dubious Monk.
Mr. Monk refers to our informant only as "Reindeer X."
"I'm one of the newest of Santa's recruits," said Reindeer X, "so I couldn't tell you much about his earlier raids. But my guess is that his tactics haven't changed much. He's pretty set in his ways."
"Why am I spilling the beans on Santa? Because it's got to be told," Reindeer X continued. "And I still feel like a misfit in Santa's private air force. Oh, sure, the other reindeer won't come out and say anything, but they still don't invite me to join in any reindeer games."
"We start by landing on the rooftop of the target house," Reindeer X added.
"So far as I know, he doesn't case the houses first. It's like he's got a sixth sense or something."
Reindeer X alleges, "Santa just knows where to land. How to get in without getting caught. Whether the owners have been naughty or nice."
"He gets in through the fireplace. I don't know how he does it. But that's probably what he's counting on - that nobody would think someone would just pop down the chimney, right into their living rooms."
"Everybody locks their doors and even their windows these days, but have you ever heard of anybody thinking to lock their chimneys?" Reindeer X laughs and shakes his head.
"You think he's going to leave gifts for you, but Santa can clean a place out in under a minute. Doesn't matter what it is. Milk, cookies, beer; even your household pets. Once he's in your house - it's as good as gone."
According to Reindeer X, Santa has even taken up flashing. Santa considers flashing to be harmless fun. But with all likelihood you wouldn't think that if he flashed you.
Reindeer X concluded, "The fact is, there's not much the police or even the FBI can do. Before they know what's happened, Santa will have crossed the border into international airspace. Even his secret stronghold - hidden somewhere near the North Pole - is outside of any nation's jurisdiction. Except for maybe Canada, and we've burned one too many bridges for them to care enough."
If you have any information that might lead to the arrest and conviction of Santa Claus or any other fugitive from justice, send it in along with whatever cash and credit cards you have in your wallet.
Hand it over now or the fat guy gets it!