A bit of time between the last installment of Krapsody's Nottie of The Week™. Here's the most recent submission from a seasonal Mall Santa. The rest of the year he moonlights as Buddah, Jabba the Hutt, the Goodyear Blimp, or a crowd of people in low budget movies. Once again the Christmas is in danger! The problems with Santa's wife and elves have pushed the man in red to seek love on the internet.
Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
I have to ask, can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
Man, Panty Claus, if your weren't so fat that buildings bounce when you haul your Sumo Wrestler-sized ass down the street, then you might actually be able to see that tiny wet noodle you call a penis. If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting. I imagine when you come into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
In case you haven't figured it out, I'll tell you why the kids are crying.
Because you made a poo-poo in your shorts, and they think you're going to eat them. This is just awful, hang up that moth ridden Santa suit and stop scaring the children. To make matters worse, getting that gig is getting more difficult for Mr. Claus this year.
FAO Schwartz told the poor guy "no thanks", and other potential employers like the Manhattan Mall and Time Warner Center have also cut back. Even familiar nonprofit Volunteers of America has canned their chimney boxes campaign for donations that it has done every Christmas since forever.
The recent spate of canceled corporate holiday parties hasn't helped either. Panty Claus hasn't booked a single gig, meaning he'll have to focus on making money as a janitor. Might want to try Hannukah Harry before sinking that low, Panty.
Here's a novel idea for saving yourself some money, and making a contribution to charity, how about you stop eating and start feeding the elves, or a third world country? Wouldn't feeding the hungry be the best gift to give? Just a thought.