A Letter from Santa
Ho, ho, f****** ho,
Merry f$%^&*#@ Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa's heard it all before. "Santa! Santa! I want stuff! Give me more STUFF!" I tell ya what, all that thankless consumerism is really starting to give old Santa a rash. You all seem to think that Santa exists for no other reason than to bust his ass every Christmas just so you can get the latest bit of tawdry crap you saw on your teevee last night. Christ!
Well, when it comes down to it, Santa will probably end up giving in (Santa always has been a softy); but Santa ain't gonna' like it!
You might ask yourself how Santa copes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the answer is "barely". Ho ho ho! (Santa really busts himself up.) Anyway, Santa always finds it therapeutic to blow off a little steam during the "shopping" season by getting together with all his fellow Santas... (What? you didn't think there was just one of us? For the entire planet?! What a rube!)
...Anyway, like Santa was saying, Santa likes to get together with his pals and head on out on bicycle (to keep Santa's girlish figure) for a bit of pre-season Merry Making. Santa invariably does a lil drinking and, well, sometimes things get a wee bit out of hand. Deal with it. It's Santa. If you complain, ya won't get nuttin' but coal in your stocking.