Sat Dec. 06, 2008
North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.
Mr. Claus and Mrs. Claus have separated because of his habits. Santa has dropped nearly two hundred and fifty pounds in less than a year. Mrs. Claus says all he does anymore is lie around, get high and play Grand Theft Auto IV. Santa is a burn out folks, and has announced that he is canceling Christmas, possibly forever. Santa needs an intervention, so that's just what we're gonna do.
"I've gone through three eight-balls of crystal, two grams of smack, a case of Colt .45, and an entire carton of glue in the last 24 hours," said Santa, "if I get anymore wasted, my brain cells are gonna explode."
Let's see what the Three Wise Men have to say about this:
Santa busted out laughing, a snot bubble briefly formed in his left nostril. And then Santa blurted, "I guess we now know what they really brought Jesus. It wasn't gold, frankincense, or myrr. It was marijuwana, hashish, and smack. Jesus endorses teh hard drugzzzzzz?? Ho ho ho, lol!"
Then he abruptly stopped laughing, became stone-faced, and a few moments later started to laugh again. "LOL LOL LOL LOL!" Santa went on and on for what seemed an eternity. And eventually he stopped once more and stared off into space. Santa has clearly lost his damn mind.
Other unfortunate events that caused Santa's spirits to plummet even further, were the hundreds of thousands of workers worldwide who were laid off, and the man that was killed in a stampede of frenzied holiday Wal-Mart shoppers on "Black Friday" in Long Island, New York. Jdimytai Damour, 34, had been assigned to cover security as an independent contractor during the holiday season, and now a lawsuit is in the works.
"What the hell is wrong with people?" Santa yelled. (Oh, no he's getting belligerent.)
Santa continued, "Humans are very strange creatures. What is it about a Wal-Mart line, or the interstate, that makes a person's IQ automatically drop by about 50 points? Do you ever witness people doing such outlandish stupid things that you can't help but wonder how they actually manage to survive?"
Santa paused for a great moment. It appeared like he was going to fall asleep, but then he snapped awake and added, "I may not have all of life's answers, but I sure have the ability to call people out on their stupidity."
"I am urging you, dear readers, and believers in the Spirit of Christmas, to answer that call as well. You're reading Krapsody, so I know your IQ level is higher than the average person. Or is it?" Santa laughs for several minutes again.
"Now you can either rest comfortably knowing that, or you can join me in my crusade to stamp out the plague of stupidity that is running rampant across the planet. Do we really need to hand out another Darwin Award?"
Santa cried out, "Will you accept your responsibility? Will you accept the challenge?"
"That's why I'm canceling Christmas, because it appears that not a single member of the human race will! You @@#@%%@!" And with that Santa passed out cold.
Mrs. Claus believes an intervention is necessary, and has contacted Dr. Phil, if not simply to treat Santa possibly to replace him. A stand-in for Santa is urgent. A casting call has been sent across the globe. The call requests that all applicants be overweight, have a hearty laugh, they must be able to work under pressure, drive a sled pulled by stubborn reindeer, and deliver gifts in a frenzy to beat the clock in multiple time zones.
Potential candidates to date include:
Let's be frank: this seems hopeless. Santa is headed for the grave and that will only devastate the children.
Won't you help save Christmas? You can send your financial support to my PayPal account listed in the right hand column. I will then forward the money to Mrs. Claus to continue the search for a new Santa (minus a few dollars for my services of course...lol.) Don't do that. Not that you would, but I've seen many funny things in my life.
Until then we'll just have to go with the reasonably functioning drunk.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours everyone!