The Psychedelic Voodoo Lounge On Acid

"Turn On, Tune In, Drop Veg Out" man.

Stat Hendrix jams on stage with a fender stratocaster by ~Static~

People come to Krapsody for strange facts, weird tidbits and useless information. And so here's a bit more of that for ya.

You are in luck friends. Thanks to who compiled all the oddities the furniture making world has to offer, now you too can have a Meat Mirror!

meat mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the meatiest of them all? Mmm, STEAKY. I like mine medium rare to well done with a side of mashed potates and gravy and wow suddenly I am like getting hungry and stuff.

OR how about that Armadillo Shell Lamp you've always wanted?

armadillo shell lamp

That's like a gag gift you give to your in-laws who have all that cheesy southwestern decor in their home. But then they love your gift so much they encourage all those cheesy friends of theirs that live on their block who have the same exact decor to buy one too.

Which leads me to present... the Cactus Couch! You just can't beat this prickly addition in your livingroom for those quiet cozy evenings at home in front of the fire or the t.v. set. Comes with a handy first aid kit. Can you say, "pass the tweezers, please"?

cactus couch
(This should be your in-law back up gag gift).

Not weird enough? How about these then.

bookcases from alice in dumpsterland
table piss

You know you really have to have a sense of humor to own the table that looks like it's answering the call of mother nature on your floor.

If you have your living space covered then how about a new bathroom fixture?

I just shat 20 goldfish

I've always wanted that uncomfortable "feel like I'm being watched while I take a dump" sensation. Thanks to the manufacturer of this modern miracle now I can.

I just shat 20 goldfish. Hmm... wonder how THAT happened.

And if you're homeless, I'm sorry but there are no psychedelic boxes to choose from yet. But I'm sure the distributors of these fine articles may go that route when they start shipping these out in mass quantities (which will likely be never). But if you're homeless you probably don't have a computer, so you won't read this and consequently aren't missing out on anything.

 Let me leave you all with a psychesqualidelic song.

Edit: Song credit 'Purple Veins' by The Jimi Homeless Experience

Your Dream Job is Awaiting You - You Asshat

Want a cush consulting job in information technology? Well wait no longer. If your dream job is in the field of I.T. consulting then all you need is a clip-on tie and a rudimentary understanding of the dangers of fire; "fire bad - computers good." If you can make hand tools with flint rock you are in like Flynn, you furrow browed neanderthal.

Just be sure to plug-in that desktop system whilst standing in a bucket of water you slobbering halfwit. Before you say, c'mon now.. that's not true, that can't be true. No one's that f*cking stupid. Invariably, first person detection of third person f*cktardation is almost always immediately followed by denial, often verbally expressed, especially in the form,
"No one's THAT f*cking stupid."

I say, YES, yes they are. I've dealt with them. I digress.

Want a second opinion? Just ask Mark of for examples on exactly how stupid an I.T. consultant can be. Be sure to put in your applications if your IQ is 60 or under.

All I can say is, holy shit. If I didn't know any better I'd say that the I.T. employee Mark works with is employed by the federal or state government here in the states, or possibly the IRS. How do these techtards get these jobs? Did McDonald's fire them because they couldn't figure out how the register works and so then I.T. consulting companies pick these stupes up off the curb? Completely mind-blowing.

Stumbled it
(how could I not?) :)

Beasts of Burden

Take a moment and inhale a deep breath. Pictured below are two dolphins. Briefly look at the image and determine your stress level according to the indicator located below the photo.

dolphin cow stress test

If you can see both dolphins, then your stress level is within the acceptable range.

If you see anything other than two dolphins, like two star-nosed moles mating with an elephant shrew, a pack of alaskan minks, three dozen flying fish - two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree... then you are either extremely stressed out, on drugs and experiencing hallucinations or you are stark raving mad and in any event you need to take a day off from work.

Do it. Do it now or see if anyone gives a shit if you continue to jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. While you are at it... see how many you can do at a time and if anyone interrupts by telling you to "have a nice day" or "maybe you need to take some time off", tell them you have other plans.

This serene stress level test makes me recall a news article at CNN regarding
Two teenage girls who decided to test 60 samples of seafood. Their tests determined that sushi lovers aren't always getting what they ordered.

[The test [sic] results showed that 25 percent of the girls' samples were mislabeled: half of the restaurant samples and six out of 10 grocery store samples.

In every case, less desirable or cheaper fish was substituted for its more expensive counterpart...]

Hmm, SHOCKING! Not really. Not when you consider that McDonald's beef is a combination of rat and kangaroo meat. True story. I always assumed sushi was simply diced-up dolphins that did not make it through tuna fisher's nets. And as far as McDonald's Filet-O-Fish® is concerned, well I think we can safely say that is where Flipper ended up after his television series flopped (no pun intended).

I hate to think what is in a McChicken sandwich...

Famous Farts in Sports

All this hype over the Olympics has me cringing like a hair metal lover at a Miley Cyrus concert. But, thankfully there are some events that can be more enjoyable because of 1) little girls lip synching krappy songs, 2) female volleyball players (and the political figureheads who slap their butts), 3) the amount of epic fail recorded for history's sake to laugh at.

And of course, 4) farting athletes. I wonder who the current contenders for best farter will be in the 2008 Olympics. Will they outdo Peter Johannson from the 1952 games? I think not.

You think that extra-inch was the result of cabbage and beans for breakfast, and did it give him an "unfair edge" in the high jump?

Thanks to

Static's World Domination Plan: Awards and Merits

As I watched someone trip over a gummy bear and fall, I rubbed my fingers together all giddily and whispered, "Excellent... everything is going as planned as in my... plan... plan B!"

Then I started chuckling, and when I couldn't hold in my perverse joy any longer, I laughed out loud, "Muahahahaha!!!" Plan B has started. I will rule the world and no one is going to stop ME!

"Hey! Get back to work, what are you doing giggling like a little girl?" -boss.
Oh, right. O_o. *sighs* Damn.

This has been a long time coming. THE KRAPSODY BLOG! - New and improved like botox injections in your arse!(I mean your face) Hey, I am actually popular for once in my life!

Weird isn't it?
It's not like this blog sucks is well written (it is), really funny (it is), written by a genius (it is), or deserves a Nobel Peace Prize (it does).

Enough about me. This is all about the awards and recognition I have received in the past few weeks. So this really is about me after all. Never mind. Let's get on with it, shall we?


The Angry Clown has bestowed me with the Hell Award for Evilness. Edit: Incidentally, I am also a co-author on the site.

According to Angry Clown creator, Damian;

Everyone is making there own awards so i thought i will make one for evilness I haven't seen any around for it and as everybody knows you don't get awarded enough for badness these days, so here it is.
There are only 5 rules you must follow if you win this prize:
  1. You have to show the link of the blog/s that awarded you the HELL AWARD.
  2. You must award this prize to at least 3 other blogs and show there links and names.
  3. The award must be linked back to ANGRY CLOWN
  4. All awards must be deserved.
  5. The rules must be shown with the award.

The names of the thirdysecondlyfirst winning blogs EVAR are...
  1. : Qelqoth from The Cult of Qelqoth if anyone deserves the Hell Award it would be TCOQ very funny reading and lots of useful info on gardening!
  2. : Jeff Mann from Not What It Used To Be an awesomely entertaining newer blog started in June 2008 about Jeff Mann's musings on the krapness of modern life with a dash of rosemary from Qelqoth's garden!
  3. : Julius Bloop from Julius Bloop - Comedy for Weirdos I've been a long time fan of this comedy randomness blog. And Jolene Bloop is hot!
  4. : Ms. Orange Derange from Orange Derange Pronunced: ˈo-ren-jē di-ren-jē. It's one of the best blogs about celebrities and general observational humor I've seen around. Ms. Derange is one talented girl (and hot... hot as a HELL AWARD). Check it out.

(If your worried about this being a "meme" then you would be right but thats all part of being eviiiillllll)


Additionally, Lord Likely of The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely also presented me with an award recently, The Golden Cock of Excellence Award! BEHOLD it's excellence!

Note: not actual size

Many thanks to Lord Likely for even considering this flophouse for such as esteemed honor. If his Lordship and his fandom would care to stop in, I would offer them the best room in the house. The one without all the rats and stained mattresses. So thank you Lord Likely for presenting us your spurting likeness!


And speaking of spurting, Ms. Oranged Deranged made a fantastic video for me! I created the music from some samples that I remixed aeons ago, and she came up with the animation. We plan on doing a version in the very near future that will be even better than this one (if that is possible), so stay tuned for that!

Deconstructing ~Static~ Brainstorming Session #2


Deconstructing ~Static~ Brainstorming Session #2, rough draft #2

Original music by ~Static~

produced and animated at ~Static~'s School of Disembodied Poetics, University of Antarctica.


My long time friends Matthias, The Boy David, Sir Paul of The Arnoldover and sometimes Lord Nevets over at The Snot... The UK's Premier Twisted Satire Source (it's all about the hype y'know) dropped me a line recently that The Snot is back once again! If you didn't know already The Snot is a British satirical website that first surfaced in 2001. The site gained notoriety for being offensive and often containing libelous material. One of the sites best loved features were the 'reporters', whose names were spoonerisms. (Google it)

... The UK's Premier Twisted Satire Source

They went offline in 2006 for nearly two years, if I remember correctly (my memory is horrid; especially when I've been huffing kittens). However, in March 2008, it was decided that The Snot should live again, albeit in simplified and slightly toned down form.
And I am honored that they contacted 'lil ol' me to spread the word. So werd up to yo muthas; yo!


And finally, Chelle B of Offended Blogger added me to a new blog community
Humor Bloggers dot com the #1 social community for humor bloggers and the best directory of humor blogs on the net. A collaborative effort between her, Don "It's a Funny Thing" Lewis and Bee of the infamously funny Bee's Musings.

Humor Bloggers dot com the #1 social community for humor bloggers and the best directory of humor blogs on the net

I feel honored to be a part of their site and hope you will pay them a visit and me some respect by hitting my links at least a thousand times this week. Bettah recognize biatches.
I thank you! I thank you all for being so kind, and gentle (be gentle). Insert more gratuitous and surreal compliments here.


Spanish Offensive Ad Has A Basketball Jones

2008 Beijing Olympics Special Report:

Spain's Olympic basketball team recently posed for an advertisement prior to the Games which appears to show all its players slanting their eyes.

spanish special olympics

As an uproar over the picture has grown to epic proportions today. The move to print the ad offended its Olympic hosts in Beijing. The Organization of Chinese-Americans has released multiple statements condemning the picture. The Spanish basketball team took on China this evening, winning 85-75 in overtime. The Chinese crowd did have a message for the Spaniards tonight, booing vigorously during the game.

The ads, for a Spanish courier company, appeared in the Spanish-language newspaper La Marca. The ad was sponsored by a Spanish courier company, Seur Mi Asno. Spain's team, ironically, also is sponsored by Li-Ning Footwear, a Chinese company founded by Li Ning, the final torchbearer who was hoisted along the top of Beijing National Stadium during the Olympic Opening Ceremony finale. The "wardrobe malfunction" where his pants fell off was cut from the broadcast airing of the Opening Ceremony.

La Ning hearing of the news about the offensive photo posed in a retaliation ad. The sponsor is unknown at present time.

La Ning retaliation ad

As the uproar over the picture has grown today, more information about the advertising shot has come to light.

spanish olympic basketball team eye chart

The Spanish Olympic basketball team were allegedly participating in a group eye exam when the candid pic was snapped. In a statement issued by Jose Jalapeno, Spain's Olympic basketball team spokesperson, the entire team is purportedly nearsighted and needed to be fitted for new contact lenses, hence the need for them to squint and push down upon their eyelids with their fingers.

Despite this information another Spanish paper El Mundo has a piece debating whether the ad was deliberately racist that basically calls out the British press for trying to smear Spain's good name, which the word "spain" in britain is commonly used in the expression "it's a 'spain in the arse alright" when referring to anything that is a pain in the arse as such.

But they really have missed the point. Spain's Olympic basketball team simply sucks not only at basketball but at passing a simple eye exam. Sorry China, better luck beating a team of blind Spanish Special Olympic basketball players next time?

Every Road Ragezilla Has His Day

I'll come right out and say it; I dislike bad drivers. Actually some of them I hate. I mean, no one likes them, but I have a real intense dislike for people that seem to be in such a hurry to get nowhere as fast as they possibly can, and are willing to put my life and the lives of other people in danger just to get nowhere (ok possibly somewhere) a few minutes faster than the rest of us. Where's the fricken fire? Apparently, nowadays a poorly trained monkey can acquire a license to operate a motor vehicle.

I've driven through just about every state in my country (USA) and have compiled a list in my mind of places that I think are the worst places to drive - Los Angeles, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Chicago, New York City, Boston, Providence are just a few of them. I think they're so bad because these are places that were established before the invention of the automobile and the subsequent gasoline and global swarming crisis. The killer bees are coming I tells ya! Roadways were built upon horse trails and dirt roads before asphalt reared it's ugly head. Bad roads that include Grand Canyon-sized potholes, illegible signs and poorly constructed, poorly-thought-out streets and highways contribute quite extensively to the problem.

good luck road sign

I don't think that they would really have to be so bad though, if people would just pay more attention to what they were doing. Instead of eating, talking on the cellphone, diddling with the radio, reading directions whilst steering with your knees, trying your new neat trick of driving with your ass should all be saved for Hollywood stunt persons. Especially if you're doing all of the above simultaneously, don't get me started on the people who are changing clothes, putting on their makeup or wistfully gazing at themselves in the rear view mirror to make sure they look perfect... for DRIVING! Who the hell is going to notice your hair is a little windswept and out of place on the freaking highway, you vain dumbass?

I have to say it's nice to live in a city where they have nice wide lanes, usually two or more lanes everywhere you go and big freeways that are well maintained. But every afternoon between five and six o'clock, there's always a slew of accidents that seem to bog the traffic down to a slow crawl. No matter where you go, there's bound to be some traffic at rush hour just because of the sheer volume of people trying to get home, but I think the majority of the gridlock is caused by the sheer volume of STUPID. Yes Stupid farking Drivers.

funny traffic sign

I've always wondered if Stupid farking Drivers know that they're stupid farking drivers. So I came up with a small test, if you fall into any one of these categories, you may want to think about changing your driving habits, or better yet, maybe you should start taking public transportation, you may not be smart enough to operate a motor vehicle.

  1. When did blinkers become optional? Was there a memo passed around that I missed? I think maybe these people are just to damn lazy to reach over a few inches with their finger and flip a switch while they're driving, that would just take WAY to much effort. It's either that or you get stuck behind some moron who leaves their blinker ON and is subsequently driving around the world in a circle either to the right or to the left. Are they going to turn or are they just stupid? Yes of course, it's because they're STUPID! Or maybe you only have one hand free because your using your only free hand to talk on the damn cell phone... which brings me to my next point.

  2. What in the world did people do before the invention of cell phones? What could all these people have to talk about on their way home? I imagine most of them can only hold intelligent or IMPORTANT conversation with plankton. I totally believe that it's possible to drive and operate a cell phone if say, you're on a long stretch of well-lit open road and you have an IQ higher than your shoe size. But not if you're blazing through 70mph bumper to bumper traffic. I can't even count how many times one of these bungholes has almost taken off a bumper because they weren't paying attention. I had a road hogging garbage truck driver yacking on his cellphone doing about 80mph nearly run me off the road in my ambulance the other day as he "merged" into my lane and tailgated every other vehicle on his way to the landfill (nowhere). Now I know why he gets paid the big bucks, that trash needs to be disposed of pronto even if it means mowing other drivers down. Get off the phone and pay attention to your driving you bunghole!

  3. Race Car Drivers (a.k.a Jackasses) These are the people you see in heavy traffic performing just about every traffic offense I list here. Hauling ass down the freeway (yes YOU Mr. Trash Truck Driver jackass!), changing lanes ten or more times a minute (rarely if ever using signals) and tailgating. Usually they're driving some rice burning piece of crap little car (or a trash truck) with a cheesy rear spoiler that is bigger than the car they are driving and stickers all over like they've been sponsored in the Indy 500 (for morons). I'll bet these people jerk off to that lame ass movie "the Fast and the Furious" at least three times a week. Where in the hell are you driving to so fast? Late for your evening shift at Domino's? If you cause an accident you're not only going to be late but you won't get to where you're going, unless you get killed, then you're going to be really late. Slow down a bit, be safe. That's just common sense. Get a clue you bubble-brained plunger-handle-choking half-wits!

  4. Rubberneckers! This has got to be THE single most annoying thing that happens on the freeway. Stuck in traffic because someone up ahead of you is trying to see an accident on the OTHER side of the freeway! Haven't you people ever seen a wrecked car before? Or red flashing lights? Guts splattered all over the asphalt? Go spend a day at the junkyard if you want to see twisted metal so damn bad or go spend a day outside the ER at your local hospital if you want to see gore so badly! I totally believe that if you are caught slowing down to gawk at an accident, the police should be able to haul you out of your car and beat you with a baton, and anyone caught slowing down to look at that gets more of the same!

  5. Tailgating. Remember when you took drivers ed and they did the whole two second rule? They showed you films on this and they taught you how to calculate your distance to the car in front of you? Do you really think that riding on the ass of the person in front of you is going to get them to speed up or move? The only thing it does to me is piss me off and makes me slow down to try and ruin your day. I shouldn't be able to tell what color eyes you have by looking in my rear view mirror. And if they are following so close that they can most likely make out the expression on my face and see me mouthing the words, “back off, you butt-munching, bucket of sludge”, chances are they are too close. Back off stooge!

  6. Speed Matchers. Ok, so you're not really being an dillhole, you're driving the posted speed limit or maybe a few miles over. You're in cruise control and just being a laid back, chilled out driver. You start getting a little to close to the guy in front of you, you're doing 66, he's doing 65. So you signal and move into the fast lane to pass him. All of the sudden you've got four cars stuck behind the both of you because you won't give it a little gas to get out of the damn way, you belong in the fast lane after all, you're going two miles over the speed limit. Right? Wrong! Krap or get off the pot man! Common human decency and consideration should tell you to move and let people pass you. I think you're the same kind of inconsiderate doodieheads that start writing a damn check in the grocery store AFTER the checker rings up all your stuff in the express lane. In your lumpy head you're in no hurry to get anywhere, so no one else behind you could possibly be either.... jackass.

  7. shithead

On another note, if you can't figure out how to use a four way stop, you should qualify as mentally handicapped and have a special sticker put on your car, and possibly your forehead while they are at it, at no additional charge. First look one way, then the other, then proceed driving. This isn't rocket science bucko. You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.

My vehemence is not only reserved for motorists. Bicyclists are getting more and more bold these days. Riding a bike is cool, I mean, I own one. A big ass beach cruiser with flames painted down the sides, big fenders and a banana seat. I even have a bell on it, a flag and tasseled handlebars to look like a total fruitcake. I dig hopping on my phat ride and cruising around the neighborhood NAKED (of course is there any other way to do it?) as I go peddle about looking at the sights and people staring at me, so I can kind of understand these people that hop on their bikes and take a ride through the country, safely.

What I don't understand is when they're in these big groups riding three or four abreast and out in the middle of the damn traffic lane or near the edge of the slow lane on the highway! Often at the crack of dawn when it's still dark and they are wearing nothing but BLACK spandex. I am constantly coming around a corner and having to slam on my brakes to keep from mowing a few of these spandex-clad sausage jockeys down. I'd like to go on the record and inform you now - spandex, sunglasses and a bike helmet aren't going to protect you when a vehicle of any size slams into you at 55 miles per hour. A Geo Metro could turn you into ground beef.

tricycle fail

Those are the major offenses to me. I mean there is other stuff, but if you're doing any of the above - Don't have any children and find some way to take your life that doesn't take someone else with you, or if you do take someone else's life, make sure they're a jackass like yourself. Hopefully someday we can clean up the gene pool of stupidity. Until then I'll just be sure to wear my seatbelt and have my middle finger at the ready.

noddy pedal car flip
"A curse upon you, you spawn of Satan, for you shall be afflicted by a plague of locusts!"

Blow Up Church Full of Hot Air

Thursday August 07, 2008
Article credit: Reuters
ROME - A 30-meter-long blow-up church will be erected on an italian beach near the Adriatic coast. Desperate catholic priests and nuns are following their flock to the the beach and are ready to take confessions, souls need to be saved and the church needs donations.

The question is what kind of confessions are they expecting from beachgoers?

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had intimate relations with an inflatable raft/surfboard/jellyfish (insert other inanimate object here for shock value).

OR; Swimsuits don’t look like they’re made anymore—they look like they’re grown in a petri dish. So it may be more like, "Forgive me father. I am wearing a most revealing outfit so that other beachgoers can see my naughty bits and this excites me."

I have to know will the blow-up church have an inflatable organ that can be operated by an organ player adept enough to play spiritual church music without popping the instrument? Will these churches have air conditioning? Will there be pews?
Are the priests and nuns going to wear their black colored, fully garbed habits to the beaches? My gawd, I think they may suffer heatstroke! It will be a complete nightmare of catholic guilt!

I can now clearly see that this bright idea will ultimately...

blow up church fail

This reminds me of a joke.

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

Internets LOL!

Crabs Only Itch When You're Angry... like a clown

While The Angry Dolphin peeps on Slave crabs slaving away in the evil crab slave volcano, I had a wild thought and a wild moment with my clown.

So on this particular evening when I was alone and playing with my clown, suddenly I heard a knock at the door. I cleaned up quickly, quicker than I ever had before and hurried to see who was there. Why it was my good friends Buffy, Willow, and their friend Riley, and their friends friends Anya, Xander and Giles!

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