Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year! Please be safe. And remember the simple things you are grateful for or appreciate.

On a personal note, I won't be updating the blog for a couple days. After struggling with the ravages of age-related conditions and terminal illness for many months, my dad passed away yesterday afternoon. Being the free spirit he was, he had a good sense humor, so I think he'd appreciate a joke.

New Year Prayer for the Elderly


Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Rest in peace dad.

Christmas Prowler On Loose is Caught

santa shitting
How to tell if you've been naughty

Sat Dec. 27 , 2008

Christmas Town, U.S.A. (Krapsody) - The Christmas prowler still on the on loose has a name...Santa! That's right year after year "jolly old Saint Nick" has been raiding and looting homes across the globe!

It's the night before Christmas and you might think that you and your family are safe and snug in your beds, but if you think that no one is stirring, not even a mouse, you're sadly mistaken. The truth is that Christmas Eve is the one time of year when you're in the most danger from America's longest-running fugitive, the midnight prowler known as "Santa Claus."

From Russia With Love

"He's making a list / Checking it twice" Remember those lyrics from "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town?" Well, in the spirit of making lists and gift-giving, I'd like to share what I really want for Christmas - a Russian mail-order bride.

Let me add that this is only because I get three thousand spam emails per day that push me towards seeking one. Well, not quite that many really...but since they were offering, I naturally got curious to see what's behind the former Iron Curtain (since it's too difficult to look through the rivet hole.)

A Letter From Santa

A Letter from Santa
Ho, ho, f****** ho,

Merry f$%^&*#@ Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa's heard it all before. "Santa! Santa! I want stuff! Give me more STUFF!" I tell ya what, all that thankless consumerism is really starting to give old Santa a rash. You all seem to think that Santa exists for no other reason than to bust his ass every Christmas just so you can get the latest bit of tawdry crap you saw on your teevee last night. Christ!

Well, when it comes down to it, Santa will probably end up giving in (Santa always has been a softy); but Santa ain't gonna' like it!

You might ask yourself how Santa copes. I'll let you in on a little secret: the answer is "barely". Ho ho ho! (Santa really busts himself up.) Anyway, Santa always finds it therapeutic to blow off a little steam during the "shopping" season by getting together with all his fellow Santas... (What? you didn't think there was just one of us? For the entire planet?! What a rube!)

...Anyway, like Santa was saying, Santa likes to get together with his pals and head on out on bicycle (to keep Santa's girlish figure) for a bit of pre-season Merry Making. Santa invariably does a lil drinking and, well, sometimes things get a wee bit out of hand. Deal with it. It's Santa. If you complain, ya won't get nuttin' but coal in your stocking.

(lousy ingrate)


my pimped pic!

Shoe Tossing For You

Sun Dec. 21, 2008

Bagdad, Iraq (Krapsody) - How about some good ol' shoe tossing for the whole family?
Shoe tossing for me, shoe tossing for you, shoe tossing for all!


I'm of course referring to those shoes that came flying at George W. Bush during his Baghdad press conference on Sunday Dec. 14, 2008.

Bush was regurgitating his usual drivel about why he stopped golfing, and the multi-billion dollar success of the war in Iraq, when a TV journalist from Egypt named Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush.

Bush displayed terrific athleticism in dodging both shoes, don't you think? He was like a fierce jungle cat! An agile ninja!

He exhibited remarkable composure, and he calmly resumed the press conference without skipping a beat. "This is your farewell kiss, you dog!" al-Zeidi shouted in Arabic before he was tackled by Iraqi reporters.

When the Secret Service "body man" finally appeared and made a move to wrap the president in a human shield -- as if it had just dawned on the Secret Service that they were in the middle of Iraq (new Secret Service motto: "We said we'd take a bullet; nobody ever said anything about a shoe!") -- Bush subtly waved him away. No way was he leaving Iraq cowed and covered.

"OK, everybody calm down for a minute," the president said. "And if you want some -- if you want the facts, it's a size 10 shoe that he threw."

Then as he assessed a room full of nervous laughter and building embarrassment, he added, "Thank you for your concern, do not worry about it. So what if a guy threw a shoe at me?" Bush laughed off the incident with a pun, saying: "I don't know what the guy said, but I saw his sole."

Who would have thought that such an ugly, unpleasant incident would turn into Bush's finest hour? He was calm, collected, and composed. How unusual is that?

Totally unscripted, nobody had been prepped. It was Bush's best conference, or speech in his presidency, ever. A sea of calm in the country of his discontent.

Of course within hours of the reported shoe-throwing, the memes began appearing all over internet land. "Shoegate" is a monumental viral video event, that includes animated images and at least two games: The Flying Babush and Bush's Boot Camp.

You can watch a video of shoe-throwing mashups below.

Bush was certainly not humiliated the way al-Zeidi expected, or the way al-Zeidi turned out himself. He just needed a better pair of shoes. Maybe a pair of steel-toed exploding sandals to fling next time. Let's see what GW thinks about this!

Hey, all this attention and subsequent lampooning could have been worse. It's not the first time and certainly won't be the last time that public figures will be mercilessly mocked and ridiculed.

The acutely embarrassing photograph of Senator John McCain (on the right) caught with his tongue hanging out after the third and final presidential debate on October 15, 2008 also became a subject of pitiless ridicule on the internet, with its many Photoshopped, remastered, and creatively exploited spoofs and spin-offs, such as the few seen on the left.

This resulted in a cascade of hilarity, the likes of which have not been seen since Tom Cruise made an ass of himself on the infamous Scientology video. Cruise is still taking hits for that and his glib appearance on that Today Show Interview with Matt Lauer so many years ago. It seems like aeons now.

And tomorrow we'll have another event to make fun of. So let the LULZ commence.

Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #5

A bit of time between the last installment of Krapsody's Nottie of The Week™. Here's the most recent submission from a seasonal Mall Santa. The rest of the year he moonlights as Buddah, Jabba the Hutt, the Goodyear Blimp, or a crowd of people in low budget movies. Once again the Christmas is in danger! The problems with Santa's wife and elves have pushed the man in red to seek love on the internet.

Bad Holiday Theme Campaigns

This is a story about the ACCCE's Magical Mystery Carbon Storage Adventure! and their Bad Holiday Campaign to promote "clean coal."

ACCCE in recent years has spread its falsehoods on TV, radio, and in print, often spending millions. In 2008, ACCCE’s clean coal campaign reportedly had $50 million to spend on pro-coal, anti-climate initiatives.

And this is the shit they spent it on.

Thought For The Day Too

A little romance in the park... not what you think.

After seeing this photo, I thought to myself, "Is that guy sticking his tongue out in the first pic? Ack, geez Louise" (that's the dog's name.) But then, I also started to ponder this scenario.

Gee, y'know, who am I to judge? If this man is in love with a dog, they should be able to marry, have the same rights as you and me, and live happily ever after. Nothing about it should threaten traditional family values.

After all, they'll be divorced within a few months. We know how slutty, fickle and materialistic those Afghan bitches are. She'll get the car, the house, the kids, and he'll get stuck with all the bills. Yeah, that about sums it up.

Xmas Cometh or Not

Sat Dec. 06, 2008

North Pole (Krapsody) - Xmas Cometh!
Christmas is coming. 1 in 10 people are excited. 9 in 10 people could give a damn. Why are Santa’s elves at the North Pole so short? Many of the materials they used to make toys come from China. This has made Santa very depressed. Leading him to turn to pornography, drink heavily, smoke, and use intravenous drugs.

The Great Turkey Massacre of 2008

Thur Nov. 27, 2008

United States, Canada (Krapsody) - Most everyone, I'm sure, know that Thanksgiving represents a day set aside for family gathering and feasting upon the traditional bird called turkey – a day traditionally recognized as giving thanks for the current year’s favorable occurrences, a day we refer to as Thanksgiving Day, an American tradition. But did ya know, it's also a bloodbath?

Little do most people know that domesticated turkeys are normally slaughtered at between 9 and 21 weeks old, depending on the size of bird being produced (the natural lifespan of a turkey is around 10 years). 15 million or more turkeys were slaughtered this year. The majority of young birds were dragged from their beds in hours just before dawn, stuffed into crates, and taken to veritable concentration camps throughout America and Canada.

In most "camps", the turkeys were removed from their crates and hung upside down by their legs from shackles on a moving line. Turkeys hung shackled for up to 3 minutes before being stunned and that time was probably frequently exceeded. The pain caused to heavy birds while they hung in shackles was reported to be considerable, where they were eventually killed in large, semi-automated slaughterhouses.

The shackled turkeys were taken along the assembly line to an electrically charged stunning water bath through which the bird’s heads were dragged in order to render them unconscious, and thus insensible to pain before their necks were cut. After the bird’s necks were cut they were placed into a scalding tank, designed to loosen their feathers before plucking.

Some of those automated steps are still carried out by laborers, turkey killers if you will, who have to do the slaughtering by hand. The rest, awaiting their turn, were dumped in chain link fence enclosed labor camps, and required to dispose of any unused turkey parts from the assembly lines. Generally, by eating them. All of this in the name of tradition.

Turkeys are still popularly believed to be unintelligent birds with claims made that during a rain storm turkeys will look up into the sky until they drown. Despite this image, the turkey is no more or less intelligent than a comparable animal, and while the birds will look at the sky for up to a minute during a rain storm, this is due to a genetic nervous disorder known as tetanic torticollar spasms. Which is a fancy way of saying, "scared shitless."

Clearly, as evinced in these photographs of turkeys incognito, they can't be all that dumb since they seem to know the art of disguise.

What turkey wants to be found at Thanksgiving?? Not these guys! Mr. Turkey, Run Away Run Away!

Other criticisms include the bird being 'too dumb' to realize it can't fly, and perceptions about the bird being awkward, both traits being due to the breeding of modern turkeys to be much heavier than their wild relatives to provide more meat.

Also, an inaccurate description of turkeys. More photographic evidence, as shown below, can discredit this accusation.

I think the graceful, streamlined Turkey Airlines can get plenty of meat into that jet. Don't you?

Mmm, just LOOK at ALL THAT MEAT!

Palin pardon amid savage turkey butchery

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has issued her traditional Thanksgiving "pardon" for one turkey - while other birds were slaughtered behind her. Too bad that crazy bird Palin also wasn't slaughtered.

The former Republican vice-presidential candidate was doing her governor's "duty" to save one lucky bird at a farm in Wasilla, Alaska.

But in the video footage of Mrs. Palin, a man can be seen butchering birds, and grinning like a madman in the background. Look at him, he's a spitting image of Groucho Marx!

Tom Turkey commented on this tragedy, "This is horrible! We've been farmed, detained, experienced forced labor. Much like Hitler had done with Nazi concentration camps during WWII. It's like a fricken holocaust here. At least they fed us well, but only to fatten us up!"

"I know my time is up next year, some new Tom will be pardoned, and I'll be slaughtered along with the rest. I was lucky enough that Gov. Palin pardoned me," Tom's wattle quivering a bit, "I've had to watch my friends, and entire family get brutally murdered!"

Tom the Turkey shows his disgust with people

"That Palin is just like Hitler," Tom continued,
palin hitler

or maybe it's Stalin she reminds me of."
palin stalin

"Palin is spelled close enough to Stalin, innit? What I do know is, she embodies pure evil. And Palin rhymes with Satan."

"Whew! Thank the Turkey Feathered Heavens that bitch won't ever be president, huh?" Tom exclaimed.

Tom's eyes start to bulge and well up with tears at this point, "This is a horrible time of year. People are complete animals. Have they no compassion? Oh, the humanity! This is madness!!! Madness I SAY!!!!!!!"

Tom says he is now being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder in therapy. He asserts that after several months he should be able to come to terms with what he has experienced thus far.

Mrs. Palin did not comment on the slaughter taking place.
However, she was quoted on camera as saying, "This was neat," she told reporters, referring to her "pardon" of a turkey.

"I was happy to get to be invited to participate in this. For one, you need a little bit of levity in this job. It's nice to get out and... participate in something that isn't so heavy-handed politics that it invites criticism. Certainly will invite criticism for doing this too, but at least it was fun. Teeheehee!"

let us give thanks

Let us give thanks...

Can we not agree that it is just childish to like stirring up dust. It can be surmised that both Republicans and Democrats alike have flung plenty of mud in their quest for control of this country. So much so, that even a holiday like Thanksgiving has to be even more tainted than it already is.

Lest we forget, it was the Native American peoples who bailed out the religious dissidents, later known as colonists or pilgrims, when they were on the verge of starvation. The common accepted "Thanksgiving" feast, held in 1621 after a brutal winter at Plymouth, Massachusetts, was really a traditional harvest celebration that the English settlers, nor the Wamponaog Indians were not entirely unfamiliar with. The Native Americans and European colonists shared this harvest celebration differently in each of their cultures. The Natives taught the colonists to plant crops and hunt wild game in a land foreign to them. And Squanto taught your great-great-great grandma what teabaggin' is.

Without the Native Americans, the "Pilgrims" may not have survived the harsh winter and been able to celebrate their first harvest of plentiful crops in the New World. It is known that when Massasoit showed up with 90 men and saw there was a party going on, they then went out and brought back five deer and lots of turkeys. Possibly a Cheech and Chong-sized joint also. Though the details of this event have become clouded in secular mythology, judging by the inability of the settlers to provide for themselves at this time as detailed in Edward Winslow’s accounts, it is most likely that Massasoit and his people provided most of the food for this "historic" meal. Which the colonists bastardized by turning the turkey into a pop culture icon, complete with pink running suit, gold chains, and ebonics.

The Wampanoags, as well as many other tribes and the Colonists never fully trusted one another. Would you trust someone in a loin cloth, or someone with a hat three times the size of their head? But they were willing to come together for a feast, and discuss possible coexistence. That is the true meaning of Thanksgiving. And how did the European settlers thank them? By slaughtering them all and forcing them, one tribe after another, to live on reservations. Let's be frank, the Plymouth colonists were never concerned with "rights or ownership of land" or "freedom of religion" for anyone but themselves.

A mere generation later, the balance of power had shifted so enormously and the theft of land by the European settlers had become so egregious that the Wampanoag were forced into battle. In 1637, English soldiers massacred some 700 Pequot men, women and children at Mystic Fort, burning many of them alive in their homes and shooting those who fled. The colony of Connecticut and Massachusetts Bay Colony observed a day of "Thanksgiving" commemorating the massacre.

By 1675, there were some 50,000 colonists in the place they had named "New England." That year, Metacom, a son of Massasoit, one of the first whose generosity had saved the lives of the starving settlers, led a rebellion against them. By the end of the conflict known as King Philip’s War, which included such tragedies as the Great Swamp Fight, where hundreds of native women, children and infirm Narragansett Indians were burned alive in a large fort at what is now South Kingstown, Rhode Island, most of the Indian peoples of the Northeast region had been either completely wiped out, sold into slavery, or had fled for safety into Canada. Shortly after Metacom’s death, Plymouth Colony declared a day of "Thanksgiving" for the English victory over the Indians. How sick is that?

For many Indian people, "Thanksgiving" is a time of mourning, of remembering how a gift of generosity was rewarded by theft of land and seed corn, extermination of many from disease and at the hands of settlers, and near total destruction of many more from forced assimilation. As currently celebrated in this country, "Thanksgiving" is a bitter reminder of 500 years of betrayal returned for friendship. Betrayal by complete psychotics.

Why will you take by force what you may have quietly by love? Why will you destroy us who supply you with food? What can you get by war? We can hide our provisions and run into the woods; then you will starve for wronging your friends. Why are you jealous of us? We are unarmed, and willing to give you what you ask, if you come in a friendly manner, and not so simple as not to know that it is much better to eat good meat, sleep comfortably, live quietly with my wives and children, laugh and be merry with the English, and trade for their copper and hatchets, than to run away from them, and to lie cold in the woods, feed on acorns, roots and such trash, and be so hunted that I can neither eat nor sleep. In these wars, my men must sit up watching, and if a twig break, they all cry out "Here comes Captain Smith!" So I must end my miserable life. Take away your guns and swords, the cause of all our jealousy, or you may all die in the same manner.

Powhatan (exchanging views with Captain John Smith, 1607-08)

It is a Thanksgiving custom in America for the president and other elected officials to officially pardon a turkey. But who pardoned the Native Americans? I'd like to travel back in time and give them uzis to defend themselves with.

Like the Native American peoples, a majority of turkeys are also not so lucky. However - the turkey is the traditional centerpiece of Americans' Thanksgiving dinner. And Native Americans just get to be inaccurately, and poorly acted out in elementary school plays about a historically inaccurate Thanksgiving ceremony across the nation. Every holiday has some sort of irony and bittersweet story behind it, doesn't it?

Well, I suppose we cannot change what happened. But we can change the way we think about things.

Here's KTUU's unedited video that was posted to YouTube, which features, as the governor speaks at Triple D Farm & Hatchery outside Wasilla, an unblinking look at what happens at turkey farms the week before Thanksgiving.

Sarah is one cold turkey.

As for the rest of you turkeys, good luck in escaping Christmas Day Carnage!

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