Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical


Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)
black santa claus

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.



Thought For The Day: Mom's In Demand

It's been a while between articles, but I'm never gone for long. The internet has a better chance of getting rid of me once Hell freezes over, and considering climate changes and global warming that will happen NEVER. And so lately I've been awful busy making cheese and selling door knobs, and in this economy it's just that much more difficult to sell door knobs made of cheese.

Dylan Army Goes AWOL

44 years ago at Newport Folk Festival, Bob Dylan shocked fans by performing an unheard of electric set to a die-hard folk audience. This year he shocked fans once again...most readers first inclination will be to think of his Christmas album release. But no. This time Dylan completely surprised by plugging-in and jamming on a synthesizer at a recent performance at Wang Theatre in Boston, MA.

Swine Flu and You


Coming to my Swine Flu Party? We're gonna lick all the inanimate objects in the house..like the door knobs, sneeze on the dinnerware, spit in the punch bowl, then we're gonna fill up Super Soakers with fresh ladlefuls of body fluids and squirt attendees in the face. Come on in!


Most experts say that deliberately seeking out the H1N1 virus in the hopes of becoming immunized is a bad idea. I'm no expert, but I have to say you are a total fucktard if you think this is a good idea.

During one of the many cholera pandemics, do you think people went out of their way to collect diarrhea and roll around in and lap up the liquidy stools in hopes that they would become immune?

That would be like having unprotected sex with or shooting up with a syringe owned by an HIV positive infected person. You might as well increase the odds and load all the chambers on a revolver and then put it to your head and pull the trigger in some ass-backwards game of Russian roulette.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

What is the CDC’s recommendation regarding "swine flu parties"? (because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are experts)

"Swine flu parties" are gatherings during which people have close contact with a person who has 2009 H1N1 flu in order to become infected with the virus. The intent of these parties is for a person to become infected with what for many people has been a mild disease, in the hope of having natural immunity 2009 H1N1 flu virus that might circulate later and cause more severe disease.

CDC does not recommend "swine flu parties" as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

CDC recommends that people with 2009 H1N1 flu avoid contact with others as much as possible. If you are sick with flu-like illness, CDC recommends that you stay home for at least 24 hours after your fever is gone except to get medical care or for other necessities. (Your fever should be gone without the use of a fever-reducing medicine.) Stay away from others as much as possible to keep from making others sick.


So..a quick review. Avoiding the swine flu = GOOD...trying to deliberately catch swine flu = BAD.

Did we get that yet? If you didn't, then you are really stupid and kind of deserve to get swine flu and in some cases..DIE. But I'm not down with deadly complications. Oh no, I wouldn't wish that kind of undignified death upon my worst enemy. Instead, I hope you just get really really sick, like puke-and-shit-yourself-silly sick and learn your lesson. No swine flu parties!

How about a "Let's Not Get The Swine Flu Party" instead?

There will be plenty of antiviral drugs passed out (the kind you have been trying to get but haven't been made available yet), several chemical germicides to choose from, rubber gloves, surgical masks, and biohazard suits. We can serve up some tasty oeur d'oeuvres with bacon, bacon-flavored soda, and pork rinds.

bacon makes everything better even the swine flu
Remember: Bacon Makes Everything Better!


Maybe if I get the bacon girl baconed up enough, I'll get lucky and make some bacon on the beach. Regular exposure to pigs and pork products is not going to make you immune either, so scratch that idea.

Honestly, as far as swine flu goes, there are worse things to get. Like cholera, AIDS, or DirecTV.

In the meantime, as the Food and Drug Administration works like crazy to produce all that H1N1 flu vaccine that has been promised, Kanye West has offered to do a swine flu PSA because he's cool (and spontaneous) like that.

Kanye West and swine flu



A Bedtime Story by Static


A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.


A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.




Halloween Countdown: 14 Days : Devil's Rejects


chicken Two weeks to Halloween and I haven't found the ultimate movie or meme to rate. But I'm getting closer with this edition.

The last movie I reviewed, that's an epic. It's just dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of it and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just read on for more disposable entertainment.

If you've seen Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses then you've probably seen the sequel, Devil's Rejects. But if you haven't, then you're missing out on some fine family entertainment.

It doesn't really warrant a plot summary. But it does deserve some explanation. It's possibly one of the most indulgent horror movies you'll ever see. Over-the-top comedy and depravity at it's finest.

Nothing's better than an entire family of serial killers than a movie about an entire family of serial killers to get you in the mood for Halloween. And this by far has to be the best clip from that movie.




No. no. no..got it all wrong. The poor bastard just wanted some fried chicken, not to be ridiculed for the preparation and secret ingredient. It's CHICKEN PLUCKER. Not CHICKEN FUCKER. It's an auditory anomaly. Your ears are playing tricks on you.

Harland Sanders, a prominent chicken-fucker who heads a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of chicken-fuckers in the media, is "not at all amused" by this clip, which gives you even more reason to see both of these celluloid offenses.

"Chicken-fuckers have feelings, too," he says. Mr. Sanders asserts that the explosion of chicken-fucking jokes on late-night TV and on the Internet are "insensitive and hurtful."

"Once again, we chicken-fuckers are being stereotyped and belittled," he said. "We need to get the message out that the act of love between a man and a chicken, when consensual, is a beautiful thing."

Sooo...keep pluckin' those chickens and rent, borrow, or steal Devil's Rejects.



Halloween Countdown




Halloween Countdown: 15 Days: Braindead



The Halloween Countdown continues! Few movies are so horrible that you would rather rub icy hot on your genitals than watch a movie like this. TWICE.

Movies like Braindead are exactly that. It's badly edited, shot and acted, the score sucks, the humor is tacky. For a horror spoof, it fails. In a nutshell, it seems like I wrote it.

But no, I didn't. Relieved? This gem was courtesy of Peter Jackson, before he did Lord of the Rings. Yep. Just proves you have to make a few turds before you make a highly polished...turd.

What's this movie about, you ask?
It's about a wimpy guy, Lionel, and his overbearing mother. Lionel finally gets the balls to go out on a date, but his momma can't help but escort the two to the zoo.

Lionel's mom gets bitten at the zoo by a Sumatran rat-monkey and then she turns into a zombie and then turns other sniveling shit puppets into zombies. Bloody gore-fest ensues ending with the loss of life (undead) and limb by lawnmower. It's quite original.

With taglines like:
Some things won't stay down... even after they die.
There's something nasty in Lionel's cellar - His family!
You'll laugh yourself sick!
Prepare for complete mental shutdown...

They weren't kidding.

One of few redeeming moments in this glass bottom boat is the baby scene



I have to confess, that was pretty funny. The only thing that could have made the scenes where Lionel is giving the zombie baby a proper beating MORE shocking, was if the zombie baby "suicide bombed" a daycare center...hypothetically speaking of course.

If you want your Halloween to be Happy, don't rent this, unless TORTURE (such as waterboarding) is your thing.

I give this heap two thumbs down and a middle finger up.



Halloween Countdown



Halloween Countdown: 16 Days: Count Wussula

I’ve read Bram Stoker's Dracula before, but it has been probably ten or fifteen years so I don’t remember it in it's entirety.

I do remember my reaction was like "HELL TO THE YEAH!" NOT disappointed due to the fact he’s not quite the sophisticated pop culture pansy-ass Dracula we all know and love so much. He was more of a real monster. That's what a vampire should be.

But now, post-Twilight, I’m EVEN more on board with the monster thing. I like my vampires to be more menacing, less sparkly...certainly less like a wussy than Warhol's Dracula AND just as gory.

I am referring to Blood For Dracula, 94 minutes of pure shit.
But it's the best campy art film pile of shit you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I can only assume that Warhol meant for it to be a cheesy satire splattered with buckets of blood. That's why I have a love-hate relationship with this movie.

What footage doesn't bore you to death, kills you with laughter. The first hour which doesn't seem shocking at first, finally comes through and could stimulate the autonomic nervous system of even the most catatonic of vegetables. The last half-hour or so of this film surely would have euthanized Terri Schiavo and made Charles Manson shit his pants.

Now, despite everything I've said, one thing's for sure, Blood For Dracula is still a pretty interesting film, just on the principles that it is so different then what you would expect from a typical Dracula movie.

Gone is the suave vampire that seduces his prey. Here we have a very sickly vampire who relies on his servant for survival; he whines a lot; can only drink the blood of virgins lest he become violently ill, which he does quite often...it appears that virgins are not that easy to come by.

Well no shit, Dumb-ula!
Not only does virgin blood taste better, but it contains all the healthy vitamins and nutrients a thirsty vampire needs...but virgins are scarce these days, thank GAWD. Sluts are/should be just as nutritious as their puritan opposites.

The one thing that saves this film from me giving it a total S&P Steamer rating is the gore. Vomiting blood, mutilation, severing of limbs, and graphic sex scenes all gave the original uncut film an X-rating in 1974.

As stiff as the acting is at times, Udo Kier does a great job in this role. He's believable as a pathetic blood-sucking creature of the night.

Kier vaguely reminds you of Frankenstein's Igor, but he's a blood-soaked bat fuck insane Igor that makes Edward Cullen look like a choir boy dressed up like Little Boy Blue, and makes Nosferatu look like Colonel Klink wearing rubber Spock ears and candy corn fangs.

Kier generally plays a hard-ass in most of his roles and he could have certainly pulled that off in this flick, but he's so much better like this:


LINK



LINK



LINK


and the best line from any movie in the history of film EVAR is



LINK



Rent it today. You won't be totally disappointed.



Halloween Countdown



Halloween Countdown: 17 Days: Zombie Kid

beware zombie kids
With Halloween right around the corner, it begs the question, do insomniac zombies count dead sheep?


Nope, but they do like turtles!

Woody Allen, Gary Glitter Show Support For Polanski



Since his arrest on September 26, in Switzerland on his way to pick up a lifetime achievement "Golden Icon Award" from the Zurich Film Festival, Roman Polanski's fate now hangs in the balance.

These days good and sensible doesn’t sell. Especially when you've eluded a 31-year-old fugitive warrant by skipping bail, fleeing the country, after pleading guilty and being convicted of getting a 13-year-old girl naked in a hot tub, plying her with champagne and quaaludes and forcing sex on her.



Never mind that Polanski's unquestionably talented. He's committed the crime, now he's gotta do the time. A slew of notable jailbait-chasing creeps are showing their support for Mr. Polanski.




Woody Allen, another brilliant comedian and filmmaker, offered his unlikely support. Pleading for Roman's release, Allen himself guilty of having younghot lusty fantasies, marrying the adopted daughter of his longtime love interest, would be the last person you would want to come forward if you were caught kiddie fiddling.

woody allen has wood for young ones
Allen shows how he won over Soon Yi


Allen quoted as saying, "How can anyone be utterly skeezed out by a middle-aged man jumping into the sack with jailbait? It's perfectly natural for a guy to be with a girl wherein he's older than her father...even if he's..practically her father."



Paul Francis Gadd, a.k.a. glam-rocker Gary Glitter, longest chart runs of any solo singer in the UK during the 70s couldn't help himself but show his support for Polanski. Gary said, "Age ain't nothin' but a number. AND that 10-year-old has my number. Does that make anybody uncomfortable?"


Gary Glitter seductively asks:
Do You Wanna Touch Me?




R. Kelly, trapped in a closet full of 14-year-olds says he's all for freeing Roman...the pizza delivery boy, after he's done pissing on him.


R. Kelly's gonna piss on j00




Travis Bickle, vigilantism motivated by sexual jealousy as it is by any kind of desire for justice.

taxi_driver.jpg
You talkin' to me?


Who needs unrequited, consensual pedophilia if you have no problems with the violence typically portrayed in most movies? But complaining about the violence just makes you feel like a square.



But where do you draw the line between impropriety and turning predatorial relationships into heroism? Only in your wet dreams, Mary Kay Letourneau.




'Hot for Teacher' night is not creepy, because it's okay to rape little boys when you're a hot 34-year-old female teacher.




Herbert the Pervert, is one sketchy character. Perverts (in contrast to hot female teachers) are usually characterized by thin mustaches, clammy hands, and the ownership of a van turned into an ice cream business on wheels.

But not this seemingly harmless old man. He lures the newspaper boy in with promise of icy treats in his basement.


I got a whole freezer full of popsicles down in the cellar.


This dirty-year-old creepy and/or awkwardly disturbing menace to society, is always scissoring little boys with his eyes. An honorary member of NAMBLA, his art of bumblefucking is very unique. Herbert "the Pervert" is a bumblefucking sensei, and the origins and ways of bumblefucking are only known to him.



One thing is for sure, real friends are in short supply these days. But with friends like these, who needs enemies. Who needs decency or justice? Because we might possibly live in a world where fame trumps decency and justice.

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

- Roman Polanski on fucking young girls (source)



If it were up to me, anyone who harms a child sexually would spend eternity in hell giving rim jobs to Hitler and obese people with bacillary dysentery.

Losing your dignity is probably one of the worst things a human being can endure, just ask any victim of rape. Polanski will probably be forced to join the ranks of national registered sex offenders and I think he should make a biopic based around his experiences leading up to that...not like Wanted and Desired or Manhattan.

Comparing apples to oranges, most actors and artists toil forever in obscurity, never getting recognition for the roles they portray or works of art they create.

But if you hone your craft and work diligently, you might find yourself in the role of a lifetime instead of making an unnoticed dramatic exit stage left. Because in a land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal....or the pedobear.





Emma Watson runs away from Pedobear Polanski at Brown University's campus.
Welcome to Rhode Island, Emma!



Phillip Garrido could not be reached for comment.



I Saw Her Again Last Night


"I Saw Her Again Last Night," the famous song by the Mamas and the Papas. Bet you didn't know the real meaning behind it...did ya? And you thought news of the weird couldn't get any MORE weird.

note: No animals, persons, or piles of vomit were harmed in the making of this article and video. However as always - Viewer Discretion is Advised.

Yes, dear readers Mackenzie Phillips recently admitted to being raped and then engaging in an incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas and the Papas founder, John Phillips, for TEN years...starting at the age of 19.

If you're unfamiliar with Mackenzie Phillips, she co-starred on the television show One Day At A Time alongside Valerie Bertinelli.

Mackenzie revealed the bombshell on what else, but The Oprah Winfrey Show (the place to make such revelations naturally,) the news coincides with the release of her book, High On Arrival.

So the question remains, is it true, or is it some kind of marketing stunt?
Or is she mistaken...and it's some kind of marketing stunt?

Either way, there appears to be some skeletons in her closet. And it's a brilliant marketing stunt. If her statement and recollection of the event(s) are true, I find it to be the most disgusting and horrible thing I've ever heard...other than hearing that there was a heartfelt tribute to Dirty Dancing on Dancing With The Stars last Wednesday.



Your place or mine?
Shame on John Phillips. Raping your own daughter? When she's passed out?

That's only something I would have expected creepy pedophile apartment maintenance guy, Schneider, to be capable of doing..after getting both girls drunk and slipping them GHB.

In High On Arrival, Mackenzie discloses that her dad John Phillips drugged and raped her on the eve of her wedding to Jeff Sessler. At the time, Sessler was a member of the Rolling Stones’ entourage. John Phillips passed away in 2001.

Mackenzie said John and herself were pumped full of drugs when she woke up to realize her father was pumping her. And if THAT isn't BAD ENOUGH, according to Mackenzie..she became a willing partner in the incestuous relationship much later.

Um...EW? HORRIFYING!

Additionally, Mackenzie Phillips has had a long history with drug abuse.
Papa Phillips shot the girl up for her first time. And she states she first tried cocaine when she was 11.

Another creepy old pervert, Mick Jagger, once had a close encounter with Phillips when she was 18. Jagger went into her room and locked the door. Jagger told her he had been waiting for that moment since she was 10 years old!

Mick stripped off his skin tight cat suit, bent over, and with lips so big he can play a tuba..from either end..demanded she snort cocaine off his taint, and mount him just like David Bowie did back in the day.

It's all true.

Also, this bombshell comes after Phillips was charged with two felonies last year on August 27, 2008 stemming from her arrest at LAX while on her way to a sitcom reunion in New York. Several baggies of cocaine and heroin fell out of her pants while going through airport security.

She was charged with one count of felony possession of cocaine and another for possession of heroin. The DA tacked on a misdemeanor charge of unauthorized possession of a hypodermic needle or syringe...just for kicks. I hope she has fully kicked the habit and gets some much needed therapy.


Upon hearing about her frightfully sick relationship with her father, this was my reaction...


video link for those who have flash disabled:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKac8r794OY



If I may be candid, after hearing about this twisted story...even after seeing The Exorcist as a kid and being scared shitless with all the gross vomit scenes in that flick...I don't like bringing this up...but, I now suffer from emetophobia.

Yes, an EMT with emetophobia (not scatophobia, or even worse, hemophobia...but emetophobia..and now I'm also experiencing bouts of Phillipsophobia - the abnormal and/or irrational fear of hearing about incestuous relationships within the Phillips and other celebrity families.)

It's going to take years of therapy for me to get over this. I think I'm gonna sue.

Wanna know why I have emetophobia? What's soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up? VOMIT.

Any questions?!




Thought For The Day No. 8


LINT

I would really like to find a useful application for lint. It seems like such a wasted resource. Honestly, I feel funny admitting this, but I don't empty the lint trap in the dryer until I know I can pull out a wad of lint so enormous, that it could only be compared to bigfoot, and then I feel like I've accomplished something.

Wash hundreds of socks. Remove lint. Continue napping. And my day is complete.
Let me be clear, I'm not excluding belly button lint here, either. I predict there will be an Art Movement of Belly Button Lint. I believe with the correct shampoo and styling products we could soon see Belly Button Lint gracing the catwalks in Paris and Milan.

Just think about it though. When you clean out your lint trap, imagine all those thick layers of lint you toss out. What if they could be "recycled" and "reused"? Which reminds me, how many socks do you lose every year in your dryer?

Interesting enough, lint can make a great layer of insulation for homes. There are many many other uses for it as well.

For example, making thread from lint, you could replace those lost pair of socks in no time.

Those fuzzy fluffy fibers (which are essentially the by-product of fabrics!) would be a fabulous way to economize the textile industry, don't you think?

We're all trying to think outside of the box with our current economic situation: the restructuring of the health care system, the bailouts, the gasoline shortage and renewable energy...why shouldn't we consider clothing too?

Such an innovation could, oh I dunno...take on a reality series like Project Runway and provide it's homofabulous contestants with such new found passion they literally burst out of their pants?! It's a moment I know I've been eagerly awaiting.

There's no question that such innovation would set the fashion world on it's head!! What an accomplishment it would be to make lines of clothing from...FUZZ! Whether that's dryer or belly button lint (lint in general being the least acknowledged resource), right?! (for more fashion sense see my Hobo Chic article)

In all my excitement it appears I've overlooked an important companion to Belly Button Lint - Bum Crack Lint! Lint can also accumulate at the top of your bum crack, near the small of your back. YES! I know, right?! Depending on the size of your ass, there can be QUITE an accumulation.

Just how much is the question. What is the relationship between these two lint accumulators I wonder? Are they always the same color? Does lint migrate from one location to the other? What are the relative lint densities between bum crack and belly button? There are clearly a number of important, unexplored issues here.

Maybe if we examine it from an astrophysics point-of-view; "A lint gland? Preposterous! However, it is possible through further research to determine that lint is drawn from our underwear by the gravitational force of the tiny black hole that each of us has in our navel." - Albert Einstein on Darwin's Belly Button Lint Theory
einstein

Or perhaps human biology is at work; "Lint actually comes from the inside of your belly. This occurred after thousands of years of evolution. There is a (yet-to-be-discovered) lint gland, which resides just behind your belly button. This works something like our sinuses, except instead of producing mucus, it produces lint." - Charles Darwin on The Belly Button Lint Theory
darwin

But perhaps the belly button is simply where lint goes to retire after working it's way towards your belly button it's entire life. This is where things get tricky.

According to recent polls conducted by Yours Truly, (there were no subjects to interview, so I made that up), people are relatively indifferent to lint (meaning they have little contempt or love for it).

For example, the "If Your Relationship To Lint Were A Romance, Would Your Feelings Best Be Described As.." poll, consisting of the following answers:

a.) Running scared for the hills!
b.) Wanting to commit, but always feeling unsure.
c.) Ready to make a permanent commitment.
d.) Interested, but taking it slowly and carefully.

25.8% of those polled responded with 'a', 24.6% responded with 'b', 24.3% responded with 'c', 23.9% responded with 'd', and 1.4% responded with "no clue", "get a life", and "f*** the hell off". So the answers given were all too close to really confirm whether people absolutely love or hate lint.

And the "Other Possible Uses For Belly Button Fluff Would Be..." poll I conducted revealed some of the following responses:

storage: "My friend collects his boyfriend's and stores it in his teddy bear." [That Paris (Hilton)..she's a riot!]

clothing: "I'm saving mine to knit a jacket." [Martha Stewart is so resourceful, isn't she?]

baldness: "I'm collecting it for my male pattern baldness . . . " [What does that mean exactly? F*** if I know!]

homecraft: "I reckon we should establish Belly Button Lint collection stations, and make quilts and pillows from it. Maybe we could establish a cottage industry, and have people with spinning wheels recreating cotton and other fabrics from the lint." [EXACTLY!]

lighting: "Could Belly Button Lint be combined with ear wax to make a candle? This could go some way towards solving the energy crisis. I have plenty of ear wax to donate." [I believe this person (Al Gore) is a genius!]

firestarting: "It's useful as tinder when out in the wilderness." [Smokey The Bear is so cool!]


Speaking of wilderness survival, how about those reality TV survival series? Unlike Bear Grylls, most of my skills would be useless in the wilderness. Unless you count making balloon animals as being useful.

Although, balloon artistry is not so useful unless you plan on becoming a clown.
And let's face it, clowns are not so entertaining or popular once you pass a certain age...only fit for children and those that are easily amused.

Although, clown popularity could change if more reality TV shows involving clowns were available for viewers. Here's how one possible reality clown series might play out...

Wilderness Survival Clown: episode 1
Bear spots clown
Clown spots bear
Bear approaches clown
Clown squirts bear w/seltzer water
Bear mauls clown
Wilderness Survival Clown fail

See? Now how entertaining would THAT be? Clown meets bear, bear kills clown. The show contains information, romance, suspense, drama, and lols all in one!


dead clown















----------------------------------------------
Listening to:
The Lint Song by MC Lars
---------------------------



The Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Question At Walmart


As I've gotten older very few things shock me anymore. Mostly, things that are meant to be shocking end up making me laugh...which happens quite frequently. I often burst out into fits of laughter. I must look like a crazy person...just laughing hysterically seemingly for no reason.

Whether I'm at the bank and see my account balance after I make a deposit; whether I'm opening my mail and come across my latest cable bill; or whether I'm surfing the internets. This would be one of those moments.

15 Rejected TV Pilots


(To be buried forever!) Never judge a book by it's cover, even if it's a little book. Or a little person. They're people too you know.

It's just that, they can do some things that average people can't, like undetected shoplifting. And playing stunt-double to some child actor who will no doubt grow more and more awkward-looking. And such useful skills as not kneeling down to pick up anything, ever.

Speaking of not getting picked up, here's 15 TV pilots that never made it past the heads of network studios, deemed too dreadful even for viewers such as yourselves.

The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

As the health care reform debate reaches it's pinnacle of lunacy, I think it's high time to blow off some much needed steam...by focusing on the general public outcry for affordable medications and health care (and how they feel about it) whether the government is involved or not! Y'know, because the general public is sick and tired of getting ass-raped by pharmaceutical companies (one of the real evils in all of this)?


The Evolution of Pharmaceuticals

teh buttsecks circa 2000 bc 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.


teh buttsecks circa 1000 ad 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.


teh buttsecks circa 1850 ad 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.


teh buttsecks circa 1940 ad 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.


teh buttsecks circa 1985 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.


teh buttsecks circa 2000 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


futuristic buttsecks 2040 A.D. - That root is gone. Extinct. Nada. Here, shove this sand in your bio-port!




*note: This article was not endorsed or approved of by Pfizer, Procter & Gamble, Johnson & Johnson, Bayer, AstraZeneca, 3M Pharmaceuticals, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Biogen Idec, nor any other Big/Little/or Medium-sized Pharma company. But they sure like teh buttsecks!...this article also does not take into account that 2012 is the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar.





How The Sci Fi Channel Became a Venereal Disease


SyFy (n.)


1. Slang for syphilis, a venereal disease.

2. Name of a TV network that shows imagination-based programming to go with their illusionary ratings. Failing after a re-branding press release insulted its core audience.

3. New phonetic spelling for the Sci Fi channel. This is so people texting about their favorite programs on the channel will not have to unnecessarily overtax their brains or thumbs.



How does that happen you ask? Because the greatest network on cable, The Sci Fi Channel (reknown for their quality original films) has changed their abbreviated nickname to SyFy...a term associated with syphilis.

To Be A Cop Or To Be A Racial Profiler..That Is The Question

Krapsody Investigative Report

The ill-advised (in my opinion) arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Lewis Gates last week by Cambridge Police Officer Sgt. James Crowley for being "uppity", caught the attention of the nation, but it was President Obama's comment that the Cambridge Police "acted stupidly" and the rather terrible response by the Cambridge Police Union at its press conference, which created a much-needed national conversation about race, law enforcement, and American culture.

Continue reading more about bigotry, racism, and hatred in law enforcement.

My Chat Session With "Steve"

technical freak
I recently picked up a Palm Pre from some shlep on Craigslist. I am hopeful they aren't an eStalker, or a serial killer...actually I do, simply because I'd like to take them out. I enjoy raping and strangling serial killers (more than I do clowns, but sometimes it's a real bonus when they are both). So anyhow, as luck would have it, the damn thing has had connectivity issues (they can be resolved), but I needed "technical support" at Palm to help me get it resolved. Anyway, here's that conversation.

Can You Hear Me Now?


cellphone murder

"The inability to stay quiet is one
of the conspicuous failings of mankind."

- Walter Bagehot, 1826-1877












I'm sure you've all been asking yourselves "where has that wild and crazy guy, Static been?" I'll tell you in this torrid tale, just for your inquiring minds that will make your socks shoot off your feet, right into the dirty clothes hamper. It's about damn time too, they were starting to get all crunchy it's been so long since ya changed 'em. Hasn't it?

My gripe of the week: Goddamn cellphone tards! Consider yourself warned.

Lick The Big Bone (Revised)


 
"The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add a useful plant to its culture."

- Thomas Jefferson










I don't know about you, but I sure would like a puff of whatever plants he was smokin'.

You can thank Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the United States (1801–1809), and the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), for starting what would become the largest collection of North American Mammoth fossil bones (in scientific speak that means, old massive pricks.) **No thanks to that wonderful duo, Lewis and Clark and their perverse expedition across America.**

History and science come together in this fascinating story of a woodland salt lick, and how the fossilized Big Bones found there influenced the beginnings of paleontological pornography in America.

Doing The Eternal Moonwalk Up In The Great Big Neverland Ranch In The Sky


MJ dead
"Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'"

— Michael Jackson "The King of Pop"










Michael Jackson was just weeks away from his FAREWELL tour. Quoted as saying, "This is it. This is it. These will be my final shows, performances, in London. This is it. And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."

"This is really it. This is the final curtain call, OK? See you in July."

But he BEAT IT out of there. The King of Pop has popped his clogs.


No matter what scandals or rumors plagued him, he was still a THRILLER and could always make a crowd of children and adults SCREAM. SCREAM with love, or sometimes with bewilderment, or laughter.

In his illustrious career, Michael more than proved that he could SHAKE YOUR BODY (DOWN TO THE GROUND). CAN YOU FEEL IT? I bet you still can, even today. That's because he's INVINCIBLE.

Which is why it's so hard to believe he's gone. Why, with all the plastic surgery he had, you had to wonder - if not expect that there was some sort of invincibility to the man, like some half-human, half-terminator cyborg, never appearing his age...even I believed that he would outlive everyone. Albeit in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust.

Static Jackson

The hero of many, Michael was always searching for and reinventing himself. In a constant search for the MAN IN THE MIRROR, Michael grew up a child star and surely had a difficult CHILDHOOD..HIStory has a way of catching up to people doesn't it?

Additionally, he was color blind. And Michael made his fans color blind also. No one is sure if he's BLACK OR WHITE to this day.

Jackson put his heart and soul into his work. He was the kinda guy that always WANNA BE STARTIN' SOMETHIN'. He believed in people, he thought that WE ARE THE WORLD.

He was also a shrewd businessman. His friend Paul McCartney told Jackson about the millions of dollars he had made from music catalogs; he was earning approximately $40 million a year from other people's songs. Jackson then began a business career buying, selling and distributing publishing rights to music from numerous artists.

Shortly afterwards, upon hearing that ATV Songs — a music catalog holding thousands of songs, including most of the songs written by Lennon-McCartney between 1963-1973 — was put up for sale. Jackson took immediate interest and got excited, as he did, and skipped around saying, "I want those songs. Get me those songs". Which he did for $47.5 mil.

When McCartney found out he tried to out bid him, Paul begged Yoko Ono to help out - to prevent MJ from getting The Beatles songs..but they failed. Paul later said, "I think it's dodgy to do things like that. To be someone's friend and then buy the rug they're standing on".

In essence, McCartney had been hit by a SMOOTH CRIMINAL. And McCartney politely asked Michael, "If you could be so kind as to remove your knife from my back, please." Not long after that, McCartney strangled Bubbles, Jackson's favorite pet chimp.

Even Farrah Fawcett agrees. When Michael died, he stole her limelight yet again.

It was then that Michael pulled a BLANKET over Paul's head, waved his hand in front of Farrah's face, and showed just how DANGEROUS he could be..by confusing them both with his ferocious dance moves before he took that hot trip to heaven.

Paul fell asleep like a caged bird, and Farrah fell into a trance. Giving Michael the upper hand once again!

When he was among us, all Michael really wanted to do was HEAL THE WORLD. If you thought Michael was as cool as he was made out to be, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Can't get enough of him? DON'T STOP 'TIL YOU GET ENOUGH! Which I hear many of you are...buying up all his memorabilia like that's all there is to the man, or like it's going out of style.

Michael is gone now. He's doing the eternal MOONWALK up in the great big NEVERLAND RANCH in the sky.

He touched many people, mostly children...other people's children. And now he's in a place where he can no longer touch them. Ooh, that sounded really BAD.

But not as BAD as this video game.

Anyway, I guess my point is, Michael, YOU ROCK MY WORLD! Miss ya. RIP MJ.




And now a word from our sponsor:
Dr. Jack Kevorkian offers discounted euthanasia housecalls!

According to Dr. Kevorkian, this site alone, but especially if combined with memes and internet jokes, such as Goatse and/or Tubgirl have destroyed massive amounts of neurons in all of his patients, resulting in eventual brain death to the viewer.

BUT for a limited time only he is offering a new experimental euthanization for the discounted price of $29.95

The Farewell Tour prescription drug!

Dr. Kevorkian Special
Order now! ..or feel free to continue the suffering and prolonging of: the inevitability of being in chronic pain - being a vegetable - being a famous celebrity devoid of privacy constantly harassed by people who never leave you alone - being famous but accused of criminal acts that ruin your career and the only way out is death - being a pathetic second-rate commiserable blogger who writes articles in poor taste thereby alienating themself from the blogosphere - or of just being some nobody that people don't care about.



For a one-time-only payment of $29.95 Farewell Tour is the faster - more effective injectable euthanization process*. Just one shot, and it's like taking a nap. Forever.

It worked for Michael and now it can work for you!†

Order today!


*Proven effective for up to the rest of your life in clinical studies.

† Individual results may vary.
This is the very same procedure Michael Jackson used..but only resulted in his cardiac arrest.
Don't expect the same results as Michael, he was a tough nut to crack.


IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

The Farewell Tour prescription drug is a treatment option you and your doctor can consider along with lifestyle changes. When taking it, don’t drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote the rest of your natural waking life to sleep before trying to be active. Sleepwalking, moonwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, hallucinations, and death may occur. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors.

In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may or definitely will occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately. Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, blurred vision, may occur and in most cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction while using Farewell Tour, contact your doctor immediately. Side effects of Farewell Tour may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, headache, or interment (burial). There is a low occurrence of side effects associated with the short-term use of Farewell Tour. The most commonly observed side effects in controlled clinical trials were drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea, and death. Side effects also include the disappearance of your doctor, but don't worry this is a temporary side effect and will be resolved with the police impounding his or her vehicle, their on-going investigations, and local medical examiner autopsy reports.

Farewell Tour is taken for 7 to 10 minutes –or longer as advised by your provider. Farewell Tour can be taken as long as your doctor recommends. Farewell Tour has some risk of dependency. Especially if it doesn't work the first time, but Farewell Tour is non-narcotic. What a relief huh?

Please consult your doctor for full prescribing information and medication guide.


© 2009 Kevorkian U.S. LLC. All rights reserved.


Note: to anyone who thought you couldn't construct a blog article composed of song titles and/or names of possessions related to an individual then here's proof to the contrary. Pop goes the weasel.



UPDATE!

Farewell Tour drug has been used by Karl Malden and is being considered as a final treatment by Ponzi-schemer Bernard Madoff.

More on this breaking news..never.



A Totally Pointless Useless Arcane Stupid Deranged Puzzling Random Survey


WTF "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."

- Kahlil Gibran














Answer these questions at your own peril...









The Internet Is For Porn and HoBlogging!


LOL / lol / lolz I know you've been wondering for awhile now. And the facts are in. It's true. The internet is for porn! It's a well known saying to be sure. The internet is not strictly for looking up trivial information anymore. It's all about the booty.







Perhaps the funniest depiction of this was a Chappelle Show episode. I posted an article on this back in Aug 2007.

It's probably NSFW if you've never seen it, and it's absolutely hilarious, but it definitely raises a number of points that speak to the industry we are either exposed to at some point, or that we work in.

Here's a scenario for you..

Joe the finance executive at a bank is browsing the web. He visits a news site, and a link to a site that suggest adult conversations is flashing in the ad banner space.

Now, Joe is happily married...yet he's curious. Like most women, his wife has lost interest in sex, or more appropriately..she has lost interest in having sex with a pot-bellied red-faced knuckle-dragging smelly conversationally challenged troglodyte, like Joe.

And so temptation overrules logical thought for Joe. He's acting completely right-brained at this point. Living in the moment, simply for the sake of the moment, not thinking about the future. He visits the "adult conversation" site and...BAM! He's assaulted with pictures and pop ups of all forms of pornography.

Now Joe's in a whole other world (also "ho...nutha...level" - the H.N.L.) His basal instincts have taken over and what was supposed to be a quick check in of the local news turned into a revolting and shocking trip down Porno Lane. A few clicks later and an install of flash player, and he's merrily watching some streaming porn on his laptop at work.

For probably the first time in his pathetic life, Joe is happy, Joe is enjoying himself. IMMENSELY.

You, or a similar version of you, an employee of the IT Dept at the bank.. sitting in your position of overwatch, looking for strange and outlandish network behavior notice Joe's computer doing something like this:

111.222.33.44,FSPA,27289,72.213.167.190,FSA,80,909,573,11,6,0,0,TCP,POST / HTTP/1.1..Host: filthybuttfxxkers.com..Content-Length: 116..Connection: close.....,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.33..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:20:27 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,42583,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 16:40:16 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,16197,212.55.163.216,FSA,80,848,1054,11,7,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 17:00:17 GMT.

111.222.33.44,FSPA,3884,66.102.1.101,FSPA,80,1334,12549,13,14,0,0,TCP,POST /safebrowsing/downloads?client=navclient-auto-ffox&appver=3.0.5&pver=2.2&wr,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Content-Type: application/vnd.google.safebrowsing-update..Date:,,1010110100101011010110100101011010110100101011100000101011010010101,,

111.222.33.44,FSPA,58415,212.55.163.216, HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS A GOD-DAMN PERVERT! 80,784,687,10,6,0,0,TCP,POST /4D3D07E3ABDFC3C5/qxUX4xETUFYBWqc0kaWCzvoCcAQCYSNwZgcyFiBAByC73XXm0CcAYgVSB,HTTP/1.1 200 OK..Server: nginx/0.5.35..Date: Fri. 05 June 2009 18:00:20 GMT.


Joe has managed to visit one of the countless porn sites that is actually owned and/or operated by a sub-group in organized crime, or hosts malicious flash or other malware.

Joe, in his quest for local news, and following his temptations has opened himself up, and the organization to a whole new world of risk.

Joe is compromised. And so is his job.

Not only is he compromised but he's managed to get a copy of Sinowal loaded on to his computer. Joe, being the finance director at the bank has access to all of the financial information of all of the bank's customers, and he uses this access to run reports. Joe is now responsible for exposing the records for all of the customers of the bank.

Ok, enough about Joe.

What I find interesting about this all is how in a matter of a few seconds, one can go from a nice clean site to an awful bodega of porn in a matter of a few clicks. Like six degrees of separation, the internet appears to be '6 clicks to porn', as in from any site you can end up at a porn site in 6 clicks...or less, depending on how internet savvy you are. Savvy?

It's like walking down a street in a major city and from block to block, you can go from the best part of the city, to the worst and most dangerous. To buy crack cocaine and obtain the services of a hooker. I don't know many people that would willingly walk down a dark dank avenue known to have muggers and other dangerous people. Yet, people do it daily on the internet.

Most users don't seem to put the two together. For some reason it's as if people still believe that computers are in a separate reality and whatever happens on a computer does not have the ability to affect real people or their lives.

If the saying is to be believed, that computers are deterministic, then it can easily be stated that computers don't do bad things. People using computers doing stupid things leads to computers doing bad or stupid things. So shame on you stupid people!

That said, in the case of Joe, do you think he should be punished or should you simply investigate the computer intrusion and ban the internet? Do your intrusion investigations lead to investigation of the people using the computer and ban them from procreating? Is Joe the Witness, the Perpetrator, or the Victim? What's your decision making process? What is the square root of 4 billion 500 thousand and two?

Remix Default-tiny The Internet Is For Porn Song [remix] by Static


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones



So let's say Joe hypothetically loses his job at the bank, which he does, and his car is repossessed for non-payment, his home is foreclosed for non-payment, and Joe hypothetically becomes homeless as a result, which he is. No one wants to hire a porn addicted banker! Not even McDonald's would hire such a sad sack of vermin.

He takes up the practice of HoBlogging - or hobo blogging..ie. the practice of Twittering without a nest, Googling devoid of an abode, IMing other internet hobos from the comfort of a public library, surfing for porn outside of your element.

How would this impact the world of social networking?

Why, it might mean the spread of information such as this:

How Not To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:


* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
* Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
* Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
* Candidate brought large dog to interview.
* Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
* Candidate dozed off during interview.


The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:


* "What is it that you people do at this company?"
* "What is the company motto?"
* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
* "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
* "Why do you want references?"
* "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
* "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
* "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
* "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
* "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
* "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
* "Why am I here?"


Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:


* "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
* "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
* "I feel uneasy indoors."
* "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
* "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
* "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
* "I get excited very easily."
* "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
* "I am fascinated by fire."
* "I like tall women."
* "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
* "People are always watching me."
* "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
* "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
* "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
* "I never get hungry."
* "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
* "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
* "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
* "My legs are really hairy."
* "I think I'm going to throw up."


These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)


* "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
* "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
* "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
* "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
* "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
* "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
* "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
* "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
* "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
* "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
* "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
* "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
* "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
* "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
* "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
* "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
* "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."



OR

How Not To Get A Job
And Become A HoBlogging Internet Pornographic SEO Internet Marketing Guru Instead


* Go to a local public library
* Get on the internet
* Sign up for a free email account at Yahoo/Google etc.
* Sign up for a free account at Blogger/Wordpress, etc.
* Write like crazy
*Spam the fuck out of it at social networking sites, etc. like there's no tomorrow
*Tomorrow do it all over again



So as you can see it is possible to have a job "HoBlogging" and make some profit if you are homeless, whether you've lost your job because of the bad economy, or lost your job through your own stupidity...either way join this emerging trend and find a new career as a HoBlogger!

"Even I can't make this shit up."

- Static
on being homeless and HoBlogging

















Krapsody's Nottie of the Week™ #8!


It's that time again, I know these articles in particular give you that warm fuzzy feeling inside. Continue reading this trash if you like to throw up a little in your mouth.

This installment of Nottie of the Week™ is all about me. Yes, yours truly has decided after my last post that I really need to get murdered by some skank pushed to the edge of a psychotic break, by being stranded in a trailer in the middle of Nowheresville for over a year without any other human contact but on internet forums and social networking sites like Twitter.

The only problem I am facing with all this is what picture of myself should I include in my ad.

Please review the following photos I have at my disposal, and let me know which one(s) you think are my best (worst).

Might I also add that I've painstakingly chosen from literally hundreds of potential displays of my handsome mug for all to gaze upon. So be sure to thoroughly examine them before making your decision.

Photo One:
A dashing photo of myself taken at the Hamptons. Look at my tremendous physique and what a marvelous tan I have in this photo. I was especially thrilled that I could find a thong bikini that matched my socks.
i'm ready for my closeup mr demille



















Photo Two:
Opting for a more pious role. I thought a pose of myself in more chaste attire may be better suited for attracting a schizophrenic religious extremist, or possibly a nun.
Pope Static XVI

Photo Three:
Then again, being the selective individual that I am, maybe a better approach would be to attract some hungry cannibals. Nobody knows the secret recipe, but it's finger lickin' good!
Finger Lickin

Photo Four:
I think it's also important to stress my manliness, what better way than to show that I faced down the fiercest bull in all of Spain.
ole
**as a side note: I ate his testicles after it was over. They were most delicious and potent, I shagged thirteen nymphomaniacs from sunset that evening until sunrise two weeks later to the day.

Photo Five:
Following that train of thought. Here's another photo of me, "the man of steel" saving the world from evil. Right after I flew through an open bathroom window, out the closed living room window, and then through a billboard ad (that's how I lost my boots).
super freak

Enchanting aren't they?

I'll be damned if those pics don't beat the socks off the Tony Awards, and if they don't then I don't know jack. For the time being, please continue to send me your photos so I can continue to cripple your social life!




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