Fri Jan. 09, 2009
Dingleberry, USA (Krapsody) - Sphincterology, it's not just for assholes anymore. In my continuing effort to bring readers great things, I present you with the latest scoop on religious cults and their megalomaniacal leaders and sheep-like followers..damn you all.
For international superstar Tom Cruise, Sphincterology opens up a "hole" new world. It's not only enlightening, it's amusing. Just watch the video to see what I'm talking about.
Sphincterology involves regular fisterectomies, which result in the loss of use of everything below the waist for up to 48 hours. Most members are masculinazis, that means that male chauvinism is common within most circles of Sphincterology.
Many Sphincterologists subscribe to and assert the following Sphincterolisms:
1.) men should rule the world
2.) child-bearing is the prime purpose for which females serve
3.) daily affirmations to oneself, "Big Bone Lick" repeat 200 times
4.) believe a Barbie doll is an accurate representation of the average American female
5.) view women and effeminate males* as love slaves who must wait hand and foot on every command of members of the male gender
- George H. W. Bush Sr.
I know what you're thinking..yes. I. do. Now before you clench your buttocks and your bunghole starts to pucker in anticipation, The Church of Spincterology doesn't accept everybody as a member. Potential members must be able to perform the following steps in front of a panel of Sphincterologists.
Put a latex surgical glove in the rolled up sock.
Wrap the end of the glove over the top of the sock to hold it in place.
Lube up the inside.
Place it between your legs and find a good position, use the arm of a sofa or something to steady yourself upon the balloon or beach ball, and bounce on, rock on, wiggle on and squeeze the ball. Be careful not to burst it with your nipple clamps! Also be careful not to blow up the ball too tightly - it can split at a seam and lose air when you start bouncing like mad! But that "danger" can add to the excitement...You never know when it's gonna burst.
Interested parties must also perform the following in the presence of a certified member to be considered for "Sphinctership":
Be able to recite all of Michael Bolton's song lyrics in order of album release
Refer to everyone as 'mortal' in all conversations and finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy"
Construct elaborate "crop circles" on your front lawn or the nearest one for the non-homeowner
Declare your apartment or home an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs/next door for "violating your airspace"
Wear clothes colored only in Hunter's Orange
Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your personal space "to prevent contamination"
And finally, find a gumball machine and insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again, back to back in one long repeating loop. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme at full volume. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
Then after completing all the steps required you may receive a letter stating your acceptance to The Church of Sphincterology, or you may get a phone call in the wee morning hours from a very perverted breathy stalker-like voice on the other end that details the next requests for your acceptance.
We cannot publish the outcomes of such phone calls as that would be in violation of the Penile Sphincterological Code.
Krapsody wishes you mortals the best of luck in your quest for Spincterologism. Amen and may Michael Bolton wake you from the deepest sleep by fisting you with the Iron Glove, in accordance with prophecy.
Michael Bolton can be your Top Gun, fi dolla
You can find out more about Sphincter-LOLogy by visiting Krapsody for a follow up story.