If You Have Any Poo, Please Fling It Now


a typical blogger / blogging"Honey, Have You Seen My Anti Monkey Butt Powder? I Sense a Powerful Chafing Coming On."
- An Ephemerist Blogger


















Sat Feb. 21, 2009

STAMFORD, Conn. (Krapsody) – I just took a big dump. Nothing in the world feels better. Really, I know it's gross and probably too much information for you, but that's just how I feel.

And in other news if you hadn't heard about this yet, a chimp ripped some chicks face off, apparently for having a new hairstyle. It must of been a really bad one to piss off a chimp loaded on Xanax. Or maybe the chimp wasn't doped up on Xanax at all, maybe he was just high on life. You'll have to read more of this story to find out...you're in for one hell of a rant.

In Stamford, Connecticut a drug-crazed celebrity chimp was stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman's friend nearly to death on Monday Feb 16. Truly a sad tale of a chimp going "bananas" on a lady's face. Turns out the woman who owned the attacking chimp is bananas as well.

sandra herold pimpanzeeSandra Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, kept a chimpanzee named Travis as a pet.

Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "Today" show that she gave Travis the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked her friend Charla Nash, 55 — even showing a reporter the mug.

Travis appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger, and at home he was treated like a member of the family. A family friend said Herold fed the chimp steak, lobster, ice cream and Italian food. That was one spoiled chimp.

Police have said Herold told them that she gave Travis the chimp Xanax that had not been prescribed for him earlier on Monday to calm him because he had been agitated.

Later Herold told the AP the chimp "was my life" and changed her admission that she gave him any drug, stating she "never, never, never" gave the chimp Xanax. "He [Travis] never had anything but love."

Herold also claimed she loved the now-departed pet chimpanzee Travis like a son, but friends claim their relationship might have been more like that of lovers, The New York Post reports that in addition to Sandra and Travis sharing filet mignon, lobster tails, and wine, "They bathed and slept together. He tenderly brushed her hair. She gave him gifts and sweet kisses. He drew her pictures."

In other words, "Love is a drug, and I am higher than a giraffe's ass."?

And even if they weren't "intimate intimate," they were intimate, Sandra's unnamed intimates intimated.

Only in New England folks!

Herold speculated that Travis was being protective of her when he attacked Nash, who she said was driving a different car, wearing a new hairstyle and holding an Elmo stuffed toy in front of her face as a present to the chimp.

"She had the toy in front of her. This was just a freak thing," Herold said.

I'll tell you what the freak thing is here, having a chimp for a pet.

"It was the most horrible thing that could ever happen," she said.

Authorities are trying to determine why the chimp, a veteran of TV commercials who could dress himself, drink wine from a glass and use the toilet, suddenly attacked. A test for rabies was negative, Stamford police said.

Nash had gone to Herold's home in Stamford on Monday to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out.

After the initial attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold's property. An officer shot the chimp several times after it opened the door to his cruiser and started to get in.

Maybe he just wanted to go for a ride?

Sandra Herold, the "Pimpanzee" sounds like somebody I'd wanna hang out with... except for the owning an aggressive drug-addled primate part.

Something tells me Herold might have disrupted Travis' wiring at a very precious age. Come to think of it, I think something disrupted Sandra Herold's wiring at a very precious age. If sanity or the lack of it was criteria by which people could or could not become owners of chimpanzees, we'd all be chimps beating each other over the head with bones.

chimpanzee want to kill humans
im gonna keel j0o!



According to Dr. Emil Coccaro, chief of psychiatry at the University of Chicago Medical Center, human studies with Xanax have proven to lead to aggression in people who are unstable to begin with.

chimpanzees will rip yo face offseconds after this photo was taken
Cheeta the Xanax poster chimp ripped this man's head off



"Xanax could have made him worse," if human studies are any indication, Coccaro said.

Xanax chimp

The chimpanzee's rampage forced Herold a.k.a Pimpanzee, initially to pound him with a shovel. Realizing she had the biggest moment of FAIL, Herold eventually ran inside her home to call 911 and returned with a knife.

"For me to do something like that — put a knife in him — was like putting one in myself." Herold said Wednesday. "Then he turned around and [was] like, 'Mom, what did you do?'"

It certainly seems someone should have had their medication that day. And should have also had a tranquilizer gun handy...for Sandra I mean.

Inspector Chimplock Holmes only wants the facts

I wonder if Sandra Pimpanzee's knuckles get sore from being dragged around on the ground so much?

Herold's voice was filled with fear and horror in 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night.

Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help:

"He's killing my friend!"

The dispatcher says, "Who's killing your friend?"

Herold replies, "My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"

"Your chimpanzee?" the dispatcher asks in disbelief.

"Yes! Yes! Z0MG YES!" Herold cries.

(screeches and grunts heard in background)

"What's the monkey doing now?" the dispatcher asks.


Who the hell hires these 911 operators? They should be fired along with the operator who would ask such a stupid question and waste time making judgements to assess a situation, when that is really up to the police and paramedics.

What's the woman going to say? "Well..he's done ripping my friends face off now, since you've been stalling for the last five minutes. He's eating a banana and scratching himself at the moment."

So after police arrived, one officer radioed back: "There's a man down. He doesn't look good," he says, referring to the disfigured Nash. "We've got to get this guy out of here. He's got no face."

Charla Nash lost her nose, eyes and jaw. Pleasant..I imagine that was quite horrifying to a small city rookie cop who had probably never even seen blood before.

A visit to Wikipedia regarding Stamford, CT reveals: "Stamford was the ninth-safest city in the United States in 2006 and for the past six years has ranked in the top 11 safest cities with populations of 100,000 or more, according to the FBI. CNN/Money and Money magazine ranked Stamford 46th on its list of the 100 Best Places to Live in the United States."

Unless you have a friend who owns an aggressive chimp. mj and bubbles

Doctors at Stamford Hospital said Wednesday that it took four teams of hand specialists, plastic surgeons, specialists in orthopedics, and ophthalmology more than seven hours to stabilize Nash, who made slight progress but remained in critical condition.

Police have said they are looking into the possibility of criminal charges. A pet owner who knew or should have known that an animal was a danger to others can be held criminally responsible.

I have to wonder does Herold feel any remorse or sorrow for her friend's predicament? So far, unless the media hasn't released any additional comments yet, Herold said Nash is a close friend but seems to have only made comments about her beloved chimp.

paedochimp

A defect in Connecticut's laws allowed Herold to keep the chimp in her home, probably illegally. There are rules requiring large primates to be registered by the state, but officials have some discretion in enforcing them and violations carry only minor penalties. Connecticut officials are seeking laws banning potentially dangerous exotic animals.

Primate experts say chimpanzees are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years. Herold rejected criticism that they are inappropriate pets.

"It's a horrible thing, but I'm not a horrible person and he's not a horrible chimp." she said.


The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens



As authorities consider criminal charges and the possibility of a lawsuit, Herold backtracked Wednesday on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She told The Associated Press that she never gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis.

drugged primate However, Herold said in that interview mentioned earlier that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash, even showing the reporter and viewers the mug, given to him, once again, to calm him because he was "agitated". A necropsy on Travis' body had been performed, but results won't be available for weeks.

That's nice. Could you imagine lying to get out of any responsibility if your dog mangled your friend's face? Who needs friends with enemies like that? I think there are millions of witnesses to her remark that she in fact slipped him a mickey.

Obviously, after Herold heard that Xanax could be the reason why Travis flipped and nearly killed her friend, it's got the woman trying to get out of any wrongdoing.

Lest we forget another woman has come forward claiming Travis attacked her years ago. Leslie Mostel-Paul says she tried shaking Travis' hand, when the chimp tried pulling her through a car window into the car and bit her hand.

Meanwhile, an animal control officer, Lynn DellaBianca, as quoted in that article said she spoke to Herold in 2003 after Travis escaped and frolicked into traffic.

DellaBianca, who ran Stamford's animal shelter at the time, said she warned Herold that the pet's behavior could be a problem.

"Certainly my concern was for public safety," DellaBianca told The AP. "Male chimpanzees, once they reach maturity, can be aggressive. I'm sure I did express that to her."

Herold said she expected to eventually have to give up the chimp, DellaBianca said.

"She did say that herself. She knew someone day he would probably have to go to a sanctuary," DellaBianca said. "She knew chimpanzees, they can get more difficult to handle as they get older."


dubious monk Krapsody primate behavioral expert, Dubious Monk examines the evidence in this case and came to the following conclusions:

"Are Wild Animals Dangerous?!" Dubious yelled, "No. Not any more than crazy people are. Now feel free to smear monkey pheromones and feces all over yourself and go play with some horny gorillas."

"Gorillas are harmless. Chimpanzees however are vicious. They will smile at you, attempt to look all cute, but lurking just beneath the surface is a monster, waiting..LURKING! Chimpanzees will rip your god-damned face off!!!!"

Bottom line is: Chimps are dangerous! Hello?! Big red truck!
For proof watch a video captured of a chimp beating a man nearly to death simply for wearing Sponge Bob pajamas. LINK

Also watch a horrifying clip of the Bloodthirsty Carpet Monkey claiming his victims!


Steve Irwin loved chimps The famous Steve Irwin also had a warning about chimpanzees. Here is a transcript of a PSA he gave a number of years ago.

"Dear World,

Koalas Chimpanzees are dangerous.

k thx bye!

p.s. don’t let them gnaw on your arm for more than 24 hours DON'T offer them bananas with your bare hand, I know this because I made that mistake. Crikey!

Love,

Steve Irwin"



Experts, including Steve Irwin have stated there are ways to avoid chimp attacks as follows:


Drink a couple gallons of monkey pee before your encounter with a chimpanzee
monkey pee for health


Wear revolutionary Chimp Warfare clothing - which differs greatly from Gorilla Warfare
chimp guevarra / gorilla warfare
(more on Gorilla Warfare here)


Act ganksta around a chimp
krunk is showin' you is rollin' in mad bills yo
im gangsta fool


k-fed is a douchenozzle
Don't attempt this at home: K-Fed is not gangsta - he's a Douchebag!



Up until this point we've heard the cons against owning a monkey.

Here are 9 reasons why you should own a monkey:

Monkeys. They're awesome. You don't really need a list of reasons to own a monkey, but in case you're curious, here are nine very important ones to consider.

your monkey drinking buddy.1. Drinking Buddy
Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn't picky either. He'll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he's dancing on the bar to "Fergalicious" after his tenth shot of Jaeger. The bad part is you'll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though.





your monkey designated driver.2. Designated Driver
If movies from the 80's taught us anything, it's that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who'd believe him? After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway, so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it's going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you're going.





your monkey provides childcare.3. Childcare
I've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services. Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I'm sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. It's up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though.





you can blame your monkey.4. Blame
They are always saying that you can't blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts. Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses' wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted? I think we know the answer.





your monkey will always be your second player.5. Two Players
With a monkey you'll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you've foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines.







your monkey will make short work of your girlfriend's cat6. Your Girlfriend's Cat
A monkey will easily solve that problem.









your monkey will always have your back.7. Backup
Monkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it's time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood.






your monkey will not hesitate to take one for the team as your wingman.8. Wingman
You know the situation. You're at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, "Dude. Screw you pal, I ain't jumping on that grenade, but not monkey. Monkey doesn't mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair.





monkey will throw down at a moment's notice to avenge you.9. Revenge
No one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don't have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies


The "9 Reasons List.." was brought to you by Top10Kid.com




19 Comments:

Daddy Papersurfer said...

This is the DEFINITIVE article on everything you wanted to know about chimps, and quite a lot about what you didn't want to know. This should be archived and kept at the British Museum for students to study for years to come.

collie (pinklatex) said...

I found this hysterical... I devoted almost my entire radio show to this Friday night..... However I am sick and need Xanax.... But when I take the Xanax I bite parts of Rustys body off, I think in part because I hate her... or maybe the Xanax brings out my inner chimp...;) great blog!!!

gboo said...

oh that lady is crazy
good list btw!!! :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Chimps kill monkeys, it's their favourite food. Do you think an animal that rips monkeys apart would show any mercy to a human that pissed it off? Fortunately we gorillas are big enough to kick their buts if they try any of their shit on us.

wookie said...

I often feel like ripping stupid peoples faces off. Maybe I should stop taking xanax.

IMBJR said...

Clearly Travis was not of Yeti descent, poor thing. Sandra however is a slack-filled woman who may or may not be of Yeti descent. If we had her on our side she'd spread, SEEMINGLY randomly, throughout the breakthinking world....the searing nonhuman truth of the Word of "Bob": J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, that LIVING GOD WHO WALKS THIS PLANET EARTH IN HUCKSTER'S SHOES.
(PRAISE HIS SWEET NAME)

We would NOT BURN IN SLACKLESSNESS TRYING NOT TO! We must all be bent on breaching all Earthly human political and cultural barriers with the word of Bob Dobbs. This tragedy would not have happened if this were so!

perez hilton said...

Love it love it love it love it love it!

Sharath said...

pooping is like a rectal orgasm...oh wait i think that already exists...not from personal experience...ahem...

pspinrad said...

Chimps are very easily excitable. Why just the other day at the zoo I flashed an Elmo doll at one and he went fucking berserk. I thought he was going to come crashing through the window and rip my face off. Good thing he was in a cage. But I suppose chimpanzees belong in the wild, since they are wild animals. Sandra the crazy chimp lady belongs in a cage called prison.

Heather'nJessica said...

To maintain hold of my sanity, I am compelled to insist - Beware the rabid chimpanzee!

Big_Buzz_Kevin_Kelley said...

Travis had many friends in life, and i was one that knew him well, and had witnessed his anger management issues, Click my user name / Watch and see... Form your own opinion

Barbra Seville said...

Static! your blog looks HOT darling.
Awesome Retrokimmer is jealous!

~Static~ said...

@Daddy Papersurfer - I think that a more appropriate place for it would be the archives at the Museum of Hoaxes under 'Weird Universe'.

@Collie - That's hot.

@ Gboo - I thought the list was lacking. Specifically, where to get a monkey.

@ Mr. Bananas - Monkeys like to mess with gorillas. Chimps like to mess with people. Seems like a fair trade off.

@ Wookie - Now there's a story! UPDATE: Crazed Wookie on Acid and Xanax Rips Persons Head Off..news at 11.

@ IMBJR - The infamous Bob Dodd makes his weird but hasty appearance and exit. The slackness won't be denied! Until next time.

@ Perez Hilton - Woah, this keeps getting weirder and weirder. Is that really you Perez? If so, answer me this: Are there any gay chimpanzee clubs in Stanford? ..not that you would know..do you?

@ Sharath - Like I said, are there any gay chimpanzee clubs in Seattle?

@pspinrad - So what you are saying is that it WAS the Elmo doll and not her horrible haircut that set Travis off? Maybe the combo drove him over the edge? BTW, say 'hi' to the rest of the Boing Boing staff for me. =)

@ Heather'nJessica - Go fug your rabid selves. =P

@ Kevin - That would be a pretty compelling story, if it were true.

@ Barbra - The Retrokimmer is a pretty nice looking place also. The Snarky View recently had a makeover too didn't it?

Chuck Norris said...

Chuck Norris wouldve beat the shit out of that chimp

Static said...

@ Chuck Norris: I suspect that you most certainly would. Chuck Norris factoid #1,000,000,001 - Chuck Norris challenged a chimpanzee to a fight and, well...

factoid #1,000,000,002 - Chuck Norris shits chimpanzees all day.

loveanimals said...

Please visit & help : www.loveanimalsromania.webs.com - thanks

Ben Melby said...

There was an article published in Nature recently about how the penis lost its spikes in the evolution from ape to humans: http://www.nature.com/news/2011/110309/full/news.2011.148.html
A must read, surely.

P.S. yes, you should really try to maintain the distinction between monkeys and apes.

Static said...

@ Ben Melby - funny that you bring up that article because I just read it yesterday. Interesting read, truly. Although I am not sure what it has to do with:
a) my article exactly, and b) what my actual knowledge or expertise is concerning apes and monkeys.

p.s. yes, and maybe you should really try to maintain distinction between satire and truth before jumping to conclusions, sir. Good day. I said good day!

Skrib said...

Oh hai, my name is Ben Melby and I only bone great apes because I won't sleep with a monkey. I really like going down on spiny ape penis. But when apes are absent--sheep will do. That's what we Slack Jawed Cunts do in Scotland.

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