Shoot A Leprechaun Day

St. Patty's Day. Parades. Drinking. Leprechauns. Leprechauns make me lol.

The only good leprechaun is a dead leprechaun. But sadly, shooting one will not bring you any lucky charms. But I know it makes me feel better.

I don't know if you are aware but your average urban Leprechaun is a cunning bastard and will take anything that hasn't been nailed down. Contrary to popular belief, if you catch one, you will not get three wishes or a pot of gold; you will only get a kick in the crotch or a pull of the johnson or teat. A most painful and surprising turn of events.

Take my word for it.

Yesterday was time to bring out your green (I'm not referring to my last post), and every douchebag that isn't Irish does just that. Green decorations, green beer, green food, and green clothes. Like t-shirts that state you're so Irish you shit many wee leprechauns, or "Do Me, I'm Irish". Those are complete bastardizations of the holiday. I'm finding myself a bit at odds with the color green and the celebration.

There's also a national movement to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday. Last year, Guinness® started Proposition 3-17, a campaign to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday in the U.S. making the annual celebration of Irish heritage a celebration of the usual drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination. Aren't we tired of the stereotyping guys?

I'm sure Barack O'Bama (an Irish-American) is much too busy to even bother to acknowledge that there are a bunch of drunks (most of whom aren't Irish at all) establish a national holiday, so they can have a day of carousing referred to as an "official" holiday (as if they need a real excuse to get hammered).

Forgetting one thing are we? Not all employers will give their employees a particular holiday off, nor will they always pay them for it either. Why should we beat around the bush here? People nowadays are all about the shortcuts. Just ask for a day off from work so that you can get drunk (you may want to keep that detail to yourself). If you're lucky they'll pay you for a sick day. If not, oh well..you still got blottoed like you wanted to. There! EASY BUTTON.

I'd also like to ask these beer goggled aberrations of nature, how many people must be injured, maimed and killed on the most sacred of Irish days?

For instance, when the young Arthur Guinness himself decided to set up business in Dublin on St. Patrick's, an angry mob of leprechauns gathered and they nearly did him in with a well aimed snookerball launched from the roof of Canary Warf, London, England - a most unusual place for leprechauns to be, might I add.

Art's left nostril was so disfigured by the incident, that he could only win over the public by performing in a Shakespearian play as a stunt codpiece. I believe his part was played out in Othello, which is where his inspiration for dark stout beer originated. The secret ingredient has been revealed to be leprechaun piss and the rest is history.

College kids and idiots looking for any excuse to get inebriated and get into brawls or catfights would be rewarded with such a notion as making St. Patrick's a national holiday. I think if St. Patrick were around, he'd smack the lot of 'em with his shillelagh or swing around a dead leprechaun until he brained 'em all. And rightfully so.

Little known facts:
1.) I'm quite Irish. I know by the looks of my avatar, I probably seem more like I'm from the Dark Side of the Moon. But I'm what is called black Irish, just like O'Bama. And I shit leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year. A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily, at exactly 9 o'clock. It comes from my chilaney, you can keep it in a crock!

2.) My real first name is a strong Welsh name, which entitled me to daily name-calling and playground beatings. I'm still rather disturbed by it (the shitting leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year part I mean - See #1.)

I'm also equally disturbed by the thought that this day is known for drinking. I don't think it will happen. The majority of Americans are too busy shopping at Walmart, throwing cacti at each other and running themselves over the rest of the year in a drunken stupor to actually care about the depths of world politics, much less a national holiday.

Considering St. Patrick's for a national holiday has an odd way of seeming entirely incomprehensible not only when written, but also when spoken about. I think we could use a holiday that doesn't involve alcohol. Don't you? It’s no secret that alcohol-related arrests increase during the holidays, this is because holidays are bad. We should just give mandatory days off every 60 days and not refer to them as "holidays" ever again. But call them the "day to get pissed and yell at people in public day."


Consider the following scenario -

A very drunk man boarded the bus and took a seat across the aisle from a prudish old woman. She stared at him and gave him the sourest look imaginable.

The drunk looked at her and blurted out, "Laaddee yore the ugliesht woman I've ever sheen!"

The old lady replied, "Well, you're the drunkest man I've ever seen."

The drunk retorts, "Yeah, laaddee maybee sho, but tomorrow morning I'll be fine!"


Really, are you sure about that?

Happy St. Patrick's Day.