Today's story: The Lulzercaust Campaign Trail of Tears.
While doing some investigating on my Google Analytics account I discovered that within our beloved country, I am missing out on some big love. Namely, two states that seem oblivious to the existence of Krapsody. In this day and age the question is how?
North Dakota and Wyoming, you suck. Of all 50 U.S. states you two are the only ones who have not sent Krapsody a SINGLE solitary visitor. Not one! Googley Analytics does not lie, so don't even think about trying to talk your way out of this.
I think the real reason here is that ignorance is pure bliss to these states.
That's right. I said it. Coz, that's how I roll.
Do you mean to tell me that both of these states do not have the internets yet? I wouldn't be surprised, now that I've not only thought about it, but typed it out.
I can't believe that there isn't one, just ONE single pasty white basement-dwelling nerd, or one bomb-making reclusive mountain-dwelling hermit, or one incarcerated prisoner that hasn't found a computer in the entire square mileage of both states - and by some sheer accident involving keyword searches like 'whale penis', 'mythical beast cock', 'elephant butt suppository', 'happy new anus', 'liquidy farts', 'biggest vagina', 'sock jobs', 'uncivilized four legged people in turkey', and 'you´re a what?... a clown' - has failed to locate this website.
I'm willing to let North Dakota slide a little bit, Fargo is so far north it's far gone, and being so close to Canada they're practically eskimos (especially that void of the Saskatchewan province that I got sucked into off and on for a few years of my life through no fault of my own...thanks Dad.) Actually, I think most Eskimos even have the internets by now, so you're slacking a bit North Dakota.
But I'm not letting you off the hook, Wyoming. You've been on my shit list for a number of years now. For not only the idiotic provincialism looming over your affairs, but the gay bashing death of Matthew Shepard in 1998, and your ugly brown rolling hills that took me hours to drive across, littered with the occasional 'almost there' signs, to end up anywhere even remotely civilized.
At least your mountains have enough scenery to keep the slow witted entertained...for a few seconds until they shit their pants because there's no place to go; not one tree or structure to hide behind, not even a pine cone to wipe their arse with. And how about that state patrolman that is just waiting to arrest someone for "indecent exposure" when they do have to go on the side of the road? It's indecent not to let someone take a shit during a long road trip fercrissakes, piggy!
Wyoming's geography or scenery aren't the only things that leave a lot to be desired. Surely, the geography and climate of Wyoming are extremely discouraging factors in keeping people out. But if Cheyenne had just one escalator, or a building taller than a double wide trailer, the city might be improved just a little. Don't get me started on some of the people..no wait, actually I think I will go there.
It appears to me in my experience with Wyoming that a large percentage of people doing business there are dull and generally thick. I don't believe they'd know how to use a computer anyway. I think the mentality of the majority of people in Wyoming is that they just like to keep their state small and don't actively court advances in technology.
How do I know this you ask? Well, I have spent MONTHS trying to settle my recently deceased father's estate with complete wing nuts who run operations from Cheyenne (the capitol, which reeks of manure incidentally and it's not just from the barnyard animals.) Most of these freaks don't even know how to scan a document, or send an email. Nor do they know how to run a business and therefore should have no business trying to run one.
No attention to detail, no concept of time sensitive information, no common sense to jot down information on a post-it note. Do you people only have access to a single community pencil and sheet of paper on off-days or something? Have y'all ever written before, or is that as foreign to you as feeling more out of place than Steve Urkel at a Klan meeting?
Imagine this if you will...an alleged major city with no one quite evolved enough to purchase then operate a scanner, or use a common email program to send or receive a message...don't get me started on them not returning phone calls. Do they even know how to check their own voice mail over in them there parts?
Perhaps both of your states should budget some of that government bail-out money to put in a better communication system in your epicenters. Then implement a training program to teach folks how to use that system, use their brains and throw in some communication skills to uh gee, I dunno, maybe possibly, by some evolutionary fluke, reach their fullest potential.
That means get rid of the paper cups and strings and build a civilization, for the love of opposable thumbs! While you're at it, ship in some mating partners that will introduce some new DNA into your population of bumbling idiots.
I have never seen such a bunch of useless horse pucky in all my life.
And in between that, when y'all are done rounding up the chickens and herding your sheep, can you maybe get around to visiting my website. Can you find it in your walnut sized minds to visit Krapsody somehow?
But I suppose that's too much to ask of a general populus that either does not own computers or don't know how to use it's basic features. Oh the irony! Perhaps in many many years you can figure out a way to do that after you're done drooling all over your Etch-a-Sketches, and shooting yourselves in the foot while cleaning your guns.
Feel free to respond upon discovery of this message several hundred years in the future when you actually have a working computer and I'm dead and don't care anymore.
Just keep in mind that the mark of a person's intellectual ability can be easily measured by the quantity of swear words used in 'comebacks'. These are those verbal ripostes and parries that any such argument flits between. Any of my attempts to goad the citizens of Wyoming or North Dakota into the realms of rational argument will surely be greeted with calls of 'faggot' and 'c$%k sucker'. I almost feel sorry for ya.
Anyway, thanks in advance for your consideration, you insensitive mean-spirited poltroons. Two can play at that game.
President Dictator of the American Lulzercaust Campaign
Since this post, news of disasterous flooding in North Dakota has made me reconsider some of the things I stated here. They were only meant in jest. Wishing the best of luck to anyone displaced or experiencing a loss there. Ironically, I've had two visitors from both states since this post. Judging by the lack of responses from residents of Wyoming and North Dakota, I can only assume they must be rounding up the lynch mobs right about now....or they haven't learned how to read yet.