Ask Static: The Fifth Element


shoot to kill And now...another moment of venting and rage spewed upon the intarwib and your unlucky eyeballs.






Question:

Hi Static

How would you like a Home Depot Gift Card?
We want to send you your $1000 Home Depot Gift Card. Please click on the link provided below and confirm your shipping address.

http://xxxxxxxxxx.org/


Thank you,
Sam - Associate # 1132
Customer Support


Answer:

Sam,

Gosh, golly, thank you. Why I was sitting around just thinking about what I would do if I had a $1000 to go shopping at Home Depot. I was going through episodes of needing to do some home improvement projects withdrawals.

And now, thanks to you.. my dream has materialized right before my very eyes. Why...I'll be in weed whackers, leaf blowers heaven! Not to mention that I can finally afford that 2,000 lbs. of manure and potting soil I needed, so I can grow a healthy crop of screw you plants.

I give Home Depot five stars for being such a great place to shop drunk at.
As a matter of fact, I think I'll head over now in a borrowed pickup that is all "bachelored out" with it's "hit-and-run/beat-to-shit" exterior and when you open the door a bunch of beer cans fall out. It's got spinners on it, it also has pink fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror, "slightly asshole-ish" mud flaps adorned with those chrome-plated naked bimbos, and a pair of truck nuts hanging from the bumper.

Piss off "Sam", in case you didn't catch onto my sarcasm yet. Do ya think you could send me 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 more spam emails in a day from a series of masked/fake email addresses?

Incidentally Sam, have you read my most recent self-help/do-it-yourself book? It's called "Life Lessons by Static"

The first chapter? Don't eff with me.

And the second chapter? Be wary of my foot going near your posterior or any other open body cavities. I think your intestines would look better on the pavement, what do you think, Sammy?

What was the link you say? www.spammingbunghole.com?? I thought so.

16 Comments:

Skrib said...

Home Despot is a disgusting company to deal with and is alot like its hometown Atlanta: Sprawling, bland, and overrated.
I have a long terrible horror story about getting two doors installed.

I will NEVER buy as much as a carpet tack from that company again.

PH said...

Ooh, you tryin' to get yo ass in trouble aren't you boy?

Gboo said...

lol that'll learn him/her

you forgot that Home Depot is a great place to get plumbing fixtures and have a taste of the great chili cookout which of course leads you to buy new plumbing!!

wookie said...

Home Depot gives me the willies.

~Static~ said...

@Skrib

Home Despot. That's punny!
Btw, finally making the transition from WP to Blogger, hunh? How ya like it so far?

~Static~ said...

@PH

Perez wannabe, seriously, give it up. We're on to you. Now go take a hike through Compton at two in the morning in the nude, whitey.

~Static~ said...

@Gboo

Yes! Plumbing. How could I forget that after all those chili cookouts that cost me several thousands in new plumbing fixtures. I can't begin to count the number of toilets I've replaced.

~Static~ said...

@wookie

Home Depot gives me the shits.

Thinkinfyou said...

So....did you get the gift card??

threio said...

having one of those days I see, I just got off the phone with a telemarketer trying to sell me a burial plot.

I told him to call me back when I am dead in 10-20 years.

PH said...

Aww but it's so much fun playing with my boy toy. Will I run into you in Compton?

Falling in Love Quotes. said...

Home Depot gives me the willies.love your Blog.

~Static~ said...

@Thinkingfyou - No, actually what I got was an offer for a $10,000 Walmart shopping spree..so basically...more spam. Mmm mmm! Tasty spam.

~Static~ said...

@Threio - I was a bit peeved at first. After all this was my personal email address the bastard somehow got a hold of. Secondly, I know there is no way in hell it's a legit offer. And as everyone knows by now, I am a die-hard Home Depot fan...

I expect that telemarketer will be calling back within that amount of time. Better have your number changed.

~Static~ said...

@PH - Dude. Seriously. Drop. Dead.

Bonus! It's your lucky day: I have a friend who can give you the number for a telemarketer that sells cheap burial plots.

~Static~ said...

@ Falling in Love Quotes - Didn't someone else just say that? Oh yeah, that's right. You're the quote person.

Speaking of which, your site is just great. There is nothing better than love quotes that are sent via SMS text messaging, what with it's l33t speak and internet memes combined, your web page is a RIOT. Let me give a example copied from your front page:

"To fall in love iz awfully simple, bt 2 fall out of love is simply awful."

AND

"Gravitation iz not responsible 4 people falling in luv."

AND

"No woman marries 4 money; thy r all clever enough, b4 marrying a millionaire, 2 fall in luv with him 1st."

Aww, aren't those memorable?
Not really. I was just saying that so I wouldn't hurt your feelings.
LOL H4X0r pwn3d j00 p00pi3 p4ntz!

- ♥ Stat

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