Krapsody.com Reporter Dubious Monk
With turmoil in Africa, an economic melt down in the U.S., and two wars raging in the Middle East the question right now on most peoples’ minds is, so how the heck is Madonna’s love life going since she and Guy what's-his-name split up and how's she holding up after her plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi were thwarted?
We were wondering too, so we dispatched Krapsody.com’s crack correspondent, Dubious Monk, to find out.
We have him now live via cellphone.
K:Dubious, can you hear us?
DM: Yes, loud and clear.
K: Dubious, you are in London in the quaint township of Uhggghhgughhhhwewruhr.
DM: Ah, English is a magical language isn’t it?
K: Dubious, just how close to the reigning rock icon have you been able to get?
DM: I'm in her vagina.
K: Excuse me?
DM: Yes. I'm in Madge's vage. I figured the only way to get the straight goods on the singer’s love life was to get in close. I was hiding in shrubbery at her castle here. She dropped a gardening tool, bent over to get it, the opportunity presented itself - I took it.
K: That's an odd place to conduct an investigative report from.
DM: I agree, it is rather unconventional, but when I'm bored, I send myself via UPS to exotic places inside a box marked FRAGILE. So I'm used to somewhat confined spaces. This isn't nearly as cramped as one of those containers.
K: So, Dubious, in order to get an exclusive, showing a true reporter’s instincts, in order to pursue the story wherever it took you, you kicked off your boots and…
DM: No, I’ve still got my boots on.
K: Still, with split seconds to make your decision, you drop your laptop and leap in…
DM: Nope, I brought the laptop.
K: Well, knowing that your single suitcase is safe back at the Ramada, you scramble into…
DM: No, I had the luggage with me. I brought it in. Three bags. And as you know, I always bring my Golden Retriever, Shep, on assignments with me.
K: Your dog is with you?
DM: Yep, Shep is just begging me to throw the frisbee again.
K: Still, even with the dog, it must be a lonesome vigil.
DM: Yes, it is. There’s an International Paparazzi and a French television crew in here, but you know, they only speak French..er..yeah okay, I think it's just French. Or perhaps they’re pretending they only speak French. You know the French.
K: Yes I do, Dubious… Yes I do. So, Dubious, what’s the inside scoop on the Madonna's love life?
DM: Well, so far, the superstar songstress hasn’t had a single suitor since her toyboy model lover Jesus Luz.
K: No action whatsoever, is that it, Dubious?
DM: Not a scintilla. It’s dry as a bone in here.
K: Dry as a bone you say?
DM: Pretty close. I'd be willing to say it's drier than a popcorn fart in the desert.
K: That's pretty dry, Dubious, pretty dry.
DM: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Good thing I brought extra water in a Bota Bag with me.
K: Dubious, what can you tell us about Madonna's failed adoption of the 3-year-old Malawian girl, Mercy James?
DM: (sighs wistfully) To be Swept Away from Malawi. She's pretty upset, that's what I could gather from my location. As you know, Judge Esmie Chondo addressed concerns among rights groups that Malawi's courts could inadvertently facilitate trafficking of children by some unscrupulous individuals, and she felt that was absolute balderdash.
Who better than she to swoop down upon Malawian children and adopt them all, saving the world - one at a time, devoid of customary adoption practices..or a clear understanding with the child's parents regarding the "arrangement". Adoptions of African babies in her opinion should be unscrupulous, if you will.
K: I see, I see. So she feels she's a bit entitled, you might say?
DM: I do get that impression, yes. But she has also done a lot of good for Malawi, making donations to her charity organization there, and putting on free performances from her Sticky & Sweet Tour, astonishing both young and old in Malawi.
Also, her mothering instincts are commendable, she breastfed nearly 60 children while she was there. From what I gather she is still hopeful that her appeal for the adoption of Mercy will be accepted.
K: Oh my, breastfed 60 children, no wonder she looks so thin lately. Has there been an appeal date scheduled?
DM: None yet. But she said if she doesn't get one soon, she will be so mad she'll eat an entire country of starving Africans.
K: I see, maybe the International Maritime Bureau could use her services in regards to the pirating problem off the coast of Somalia. Thank you, Dubious. Is there anything else?
DM: Well, I think I’ve found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
K: We’ll have to get back to you on that one, Dubious.
DM: Thank you. Like the Scots say, 'Byde weill, betyde weill' which means everything comes to those who wait.
moar funny pictures - Jesus not included