Have Ya Seen a Hicksville License Application?


welcome to hicksville middlanowhere Ever seen a license application from Hicksville? That's right, Hicksville. It may be located in a rural area near you. There's a Hicksville in every state and nation.

Today I'd like to share and have a look at an example of a bonafide license application from the wonderful town of Hicksville. Actually it's not a town technically when it is only comprised of one shack, but I'll leave the important decisions up to the smart people.


Oh oh! Looks like the town of Hicksville has a stick up it's ass. City officials, who have apparently been living in the past, discovered that their license application just didn't request quite enough information (yeah, "smart" people strike again). I think the problem from the looks of it was that the application was not requesting enough correct information considering the demographic.

With so many licensure scams developing in places like Maryland where licensing practices have been lax, criminals and undocumented illegal immigrants were showing up by the truck loads from neighboring states to acquire a driver's license fraudulently, often using fake addresses and phone numbers to get one.

Getting wind of the most recently discovered licensing fraud, Hicksville DMV officials all across the U.S. have cracked down in a nationwide effort to tighten rules on how states issue driver's licenses, and knowing that having a lack of enough requested info on their applications prompted them to change the applications accordingly.

I’m pretty sure you’re rolling your eyes at this point too. If you end up with one of these applications and find yourself offended by it, welcome to Hicksville. You can visit your local DMV and stand in line another three to four hours to exchange your license application for a new one. But it will probably be just like the one you had to begin with.

Type-A personalities and felons take note!




Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Number that have been fathered by the same person: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've crossed the US border in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Red-Man [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

Country of National Origin (where were you born)?
[_] USA
[_] Other




Seem familiar? Yep, you live in Hicksville. Good luck with that.


18 Comments:

threio said...

OMG, dude the application is just too much--LMAO

Dr. Dave said...

Shit. I scored 100%. And I'm no longer from Hicksville! I even got me two degrees and an executive job! Shit! I guess I'm regressin'!

Skrib said...

I guess I live in Hicksville. A good example of a redneck is our guest today; the harmonica holdin' quite amiable Hilly Billy bob Joe bo [see below for more detail] who sips away at what he refers to as slightly chilled ref'rushmint; and is and ardent Limbaugh Listenin' radio devotee. After all a DSL monthly bill costs about as much as his freaking trailer, Billy explains. As he bends to offer me a Dew; his jeans slip down and the protruding butt-crack peaks out. We both will giggle away.

THE COMMENTENATOR said...

I did it for the queen of England

wouldn't have though she was a hick but here we are

Gboo said...

Being a hillbilly isn't a geographical location , it's a state of mind !!
Can you write a little slower next time because I can't read that fast.

Tara said...

LOL, this application post is to damned funny for words, what a complete and total hoot. Not to mention that I think the same about your whole entire site, it really is a riot and a half. Oh yeah, I'll be back (again and again and again), no way am I going to be missing out on what you may bring us next. Oh shit, I laughed so hard reading your stuff that I thought I might actually pee myself, ha ha. Whewww, to good, so looking forward to the next update.

Keep up the awesome work!

Kelly said...

Funny shit, man and sadly accurate. And I know me a real bonafide redneck, too. His name is Marty. Yessir. But he wasn't always like that. A redneck. No-sirree. He was raised rightously by his upper class parents up until the ripe ol' age of 28 when Marty finally moved out and into his ultra deluxe trailer with all the fixins. Not long after that, he got hitched to the local barfly. Before that, he slipped his tickle stick in her so many times, she eventually got all preggy with a cute lil' yard monkey. Once the baby come ah poppin' out, Marty was as proud as he could be, grinnin' and showin' off the one tooth he had left in his noggin. Shortly thereafter, Marty and his delicate whiskey drinkin' lady bride got into a verbal altercation that resulted in Marty getting his .357 magnum out from underneath his couch cushion (always a good place for a gun) and aimed it towards his sweetums while she was holding their baby. True story. Luckily, a neighbor had heard the screaming next door and called the po-po. The cops came just in time before Marty Boy could make the worst mistake in his life.

Aren't rednecks fun? Yeeha.

Christmas SMS said...

I did it for the queen of England.
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Funny Jokes said...

Your site is really great! I love it.

~Static~ said...

@ Threio - Too much information, you mean?

~Static~ said...

@ Dr. Dave - I suggest you start by getting rid of your gun collection, stop chewing tobacco, abstain from believing Elvis was abducted by aliens (the outer space variety), and toss out your Lynyrd Skynyrd albums.

These will be the first steps in your recovery. There are approximately 31 more steps to commit to, so stay tuned. I will get to those soon enough. =)

~Static~ said...

@ Skrib - Uh-oh Uncle Bob has been at it again huh? Sounds like he fell off the Hicksville Anonymous wagon again.

He is quite the harmonica player however..his opposable thumbs and lack of front teeth are highly regarded as contributing factors to his musical genius.

~Static~ said...

@ The Commentenator - Umm...hunh?

~Static~ said...

@ Gboo - Is...this...slow...'nuff...for...you?

~Static~ said...

@ Tara - Thanks a million. Feel free to come back again and again and again. I can't guarantee I can keep it up forever, or that you'll find everything I do a holler, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Don't forget to wear your Depends (read the disclaimer).

~Static~ said...

@ Kelley - Marty sounds like a real winner. What's he up to now? Shining tickle sticks in cell block 'a'?

~Static~ said...

@ Christmas SMS - um, yeah, riiiight. I bet you say that to all the bloggers. I'm not holding my breath Mr. or Mrs. Spammer. Feel free to continue leaving spam comments on my articles or in the shoutbox.

k thx bye!

~Static~ said...

@ Funny Jokes - You should. It's 10 times better than your blog.

First of all my blog is funny. Yours is not. My blog is creative. Yours is not. I have an identity (kind of) that people can connect with. You do not. I have a reasonable command of the english language. You do not.

Anyhoo, I guess what I am sayin' is...
don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out.

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