15 Rejected TV Pilots


(To be buried forever!) Never judge a book by it's cover, even if it's a little book. Or a little person. They're people too you know.

It's just that, they can do some things that average people can't, like undetected shoplifting. And playing stunt-double to some child actor who will no doubt grow more and more awkward-looking. And such useful skills as not kneeling down to pick up anything, ever.

Speaking of not getting picked up, here's 15 TV pilots that never made it past the heads of network studios, deemed too dreadful even for viewers such as yourselves.

spanks for the memories


Maybe, just maybe, this isn't an original article, maybe I haven't found my niche yet. But, I've said it before, and I'll just say it again..if I haven't yet then let me warn you, I have no shame. So if anyone finds this article disagreeable, suck it up.

I guess I should begin with the basics. For example: Any show where a man moves into an apartment with his elderly mother would not make the cut, but a show where a man moves into an apartment with an elephant would go over better. Especially if that man were caught climbing into it's butt.

That kind of sketch comedy/real-life drama would send the Nielsen ratings through the roof!

ANYWAY. I ramble.


These were probably one shot specials (and they've been sitting on the shelf ever since) so it’s probably a little late to talk about them, but in order for a show to become a series it has to be the best.

It should be noted that “Best” is meant ironically. In fact, the main criterion for the best TV shows is that the pilot has to destroy the dignity of everyone involved.

And even though these examples do just that, they also destroy the dignity of it's viewers...which is a no-no from a network TV exec's point of view.

So here's the "best" of the worst TV pilots that never made it.

1.) Father Knows Breast: A situation comedy about a plastic surgeon who does boob jobs. TITS! Now I have your attention. Of course it takes place in Florida. Soooo many cheesy boob jobs in Florida. EVERYONE has a boob job there. The old men. Even the grandmas. Sometimes you can look at a woman’s rack and be like, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" Then you see that she’s 77 and be like, "GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!" No thanks, man. Most of these grannies have the bootleg boob jobs. Their hooters are too far apart. You know, the hooters with the 6 lane highway between them. You could plant a row of trees in the median, and there’s a state trooper sitting in her cleavage waiting to pull people over for speeding. That's just what THIS show was like, in a nutshell.

2.) Widowed, with Children: Like Married, With Children - only it's 25 years later. Highlights from the pilot episode include: lots of references to bowel movements (much talk of prunes and All Bran); plenty of absent minded comments and incoherent speech patterns common with senility (possibly scripted and possibly not, since the actors involved actually have Alzheimer's); 20 minutes of this pilot were devoted to one of the characters looking for their glasses, and then find that they were on their head the entire time.

3.) One Flew Over The Cuckoo Clock: An interesting look into the life of a deranged clockmaker...who.uses.old.junk.to.construct.clocks. Again, I find this list of synonyms for 'extinct' fascinating...

4.) Huggy Bear And The Turkey: No, it's not a cartoon or an adult feature. It was actually suggested as a follow up to the series 'Starsky and Hutch'. However, the producers realized without Starsky and Hutch, this show was just about a street-wise, jive-talking police snitch dressed like a pimp, and a mildly amusing imbecile trying to start their own private detective agency with little or no experience...insert sexual innuendos, plenty of racial epithets, choppy scripting, and the lolz ensued.

5.) Plan Nine Hundred And Ninety-Nine From Outer Space: Nine plans was eight too many. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Just ask Bela Lugosi, or Ed Wood. Obviously you can't, they're dead...from making too many plans and not shooting enough good ACTION. Actually, I'm kidding about them. But not about this show.

6.) Teenage Step-Dad: Hmm, now what would be a funny reality show, a reality show that has a funny name, and this same reality show has a plot that revolves around a child marrying a grandma, and the child is the "father figure" of someone's dad and uncle, despite being a third of their age? Yep.

7.) Star Trek - Deep Space Whine: What happens when you have a trio of Ferengi and no profit? An hour of futility. "Is William Shatner in it?" No. So obviously, it sucks. In one clip, a female robot rips off her own arm and starts beating one of the Ferengis with it, repeatedly and hilariously. But unfortunately for this lead balloon, that isn't enough of a redeeming quality. "Is William Shatner in it?" No, goddammit! Now quit asking me that.

8.) That's So Maverick: A presidential campaign sitcom and reality TV show rolled into one. Complete with snoring old men that smell like bile supplements and Ben-Gay, hockey moms in hunting attire, bulldogs in lipstick, beer, ribs, turnip greens, pork 'n beans, and nonstop reruns of "Bassmaster" in the background. As you can imagine, this was groundbreaking, one-of-a-kind material.

9.) Smallville-ish: A lot like Smallville, but not really. There's no super powers, or hot chicks. But there are plenty of dwarves and midgets with a penchant for capes and pantyhose, and a reclusive hermit living in a shack in the woods. So this one does have protagonists (heroes), and an antagonist (villain). It's a bit like a really bad perverted version of "Time Bandits", but I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks.

10.) Rescue 411: Real telephone emergencies from people who can't figure out how to use their cell phones. Captivating!

11.) UFFMC Extreme: Ultimate Fighting French Maid Confederation. French maids fighting in the steel octagon as they try to feather dust each other to death, but in most cases, merely unconscious...from sneezing fits. Too much sneezing and not enough scantily clad bending over killed this one. Hey, I'm just the messenger, so don't point your fingers at me.

12.) America's Next Top Model Stalker: 15 model stalkers go through competition in order to stalk the winner of America's Next Top Model.

Wait..there's MORE TV pilots of Fail!

13.) Myth-Bra-Busters: Adam and Jamie try to discover the myths of how braziers can hold boobs and most importantly, MOOBS, without the use of titanium and concrete! Great family entertainment!! Last one to see it has hairy nipples!!!

14.) Eight Inches Is Enough: That same plastic surgeon sketch comedy, but he's doing unlicensed penile implants. Poorly. I don't know if there were any graphic examples, but seriously as entertaining as it sounds, unless the appendages of misfortune look like giant Sea Monkeys, then who f***ing cares.

15.) Megan Wants A Murderous Millionaire: Government appointed Television Death Panel's plant the contestant that will kill Megan, chop her up, generally mutilate her, stuff her in a suitcase, toss her in a dumpster, then make a quick getaway to Canada. AND THEN! After acquiring a motel room in some seedy backwoods rural town, they..commit suicide. Oh that’s right...that’s already been done. Sort of.



- fin



watching too much tv killed my brain





21 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I can't believe they didn't make the Huggy Bear one. They should have also made one starring Angel from the The Rockford Files.

~Static~ said...

@ Mr. Bananas - Hmm, yes I suspect they tried that already, and it tanked like Hugg & Turk did...now if only they had done a version of Fantasy Island, reality TV stylee.

They could have called it..get this...Reality Island!

And the pilot episode would revolve around Tattoo (yes, more midget references) and his plot against Mr. Rourke for control of the island, and of course for all those rich folk's money and lurid fantasies that always go horribly awry (it's like that Evil Genie game, you get your wish but it's not quite what you expected it to be?)

Now THAT would have been a show to see! Tattoo would have been a prime time little pimp with his little army of tiny minions calling all the shots, bitch-slapping those self-entitled wealthy idiots when they think they are owed something other than what they get when it comes to their delusions. It's a fantasy you morons...fool's paradise! Have you NOT seen the show already??!!..anyway, I digress.

Julio said...

I didn't even READ it and it was STILL FUCKING HILARIOUS! I'm gonna go read it now.

Julio said...

Having actually read it, I rescind my previous comment. It's actually quite FUCKING HILARIOUS PERHAPS YOUR BESTEST WORKS YET. Why do I say this?
"1. Midgets don't have to bend over to pick up anything. Ever.
2. Are those made-up or real awful shows? They are so terrible yet contain curiously specific references that its hard for me to tell. Kudos
3. After reading this I was forced to promptly spray diarrhea all over the kitchen sink, where I was also soaking my pomenegrenate and straining my ground-lamb. But my wife doesn't HAVE to know about the diarrhea part. I can make it into a spicy lamb-chili and feed the pomnenegrenate to my Lebanese neighbor who knows nothing of American produce. Me: 1 Cultural Insensitivity: 2,000 Static: http://bigmentaldisease.com/bizarre/mary-harney-cyberskin-pussy/

Julio said...

You complete me. Not sexually, but rather in the same way that anal
retentive people complete an office break room. Who else will care enough to complain about the coffee being too cold, or that the hazelnut cream doesn’t really taste like hazelnut, or that the sugar dispenser is attracting ants, or that the copy machine is on the fritz…because its filled with ants…because someone spilled fucking sugar in the copy room…WHY WERE YOU FUCKING USING SUGAR IN THE COPY ROOM, JARED? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUMBASS! YOU’RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW is a famous Swedish magician and he performs for FREE at the company pick-nick. THanks, Jared. Sorry about the whole sugar thing. But seriously, no sugar in the copy room. That’s just irresponsible.

~Static~ said...

@ Julio - lol wut?

~Static~ said...

............


O_o

thinkinfyou said...

Hey,hey,hey! I take offense to your saying that everyone in FL. has had a boob job. I just don't feel so special anymore! :o(

~Static~ said...

@ Thinkinfyou - Yes, but at least yours are NOT cheesy. But just to be sure, may I see them again? =)

Skrib said...

I gathered from your commentary that you aren't a big fan of reality tv or midgets and bad boob jobs amirite?

Skrib said...

I gathered from your commentary that you aren't a big fan of reality tv or midgets and bad boob jobs amirite?

cbullitt said...

Had to stop by after seeing your epileptic gravatar at Dr. Dave's.

You had me at dwarfs with a penchant for tights and capes.

Dr. Dave said...

You certainly are an evil being, but what you posted over my way was just fucking hilarious. Thanks a million....

Dr. Dave said...

Oh, and, your failed pilots ain't half that bad either (I read this the other day...all 15 of them) but got pulled away by one of the kids and never had time to leave a comment.

Now I've left two.

But I don't love you nearly as much as Fat Julio.

Dr. Dave said...

But at least when I leave more than one post, it's not the same one as herky jerky Skrib. (Dude, btw, I think you should have that nose checked out; you might accidentally get someone pregnant with it.)

bigmentaldisease said...

Father Knows Breast definitely sounds like something I want to be a part of.

~Static~ said...

@ Skrib - You're partially right.
I don't particularly care for reality TV.
I'm impartial to midgets for the most part, unless one tried to hump my leg, it's all good.
And as far as boob jobs go, good or bad, to each their own.
But who likes a bad boob job on a midget on some stupid reality TV show...unless it's Jerry Springer.

~Static~ said...

@ cbullitt - Why thanks for noticing my disability and pointing it out with such perfunctory explicitness.

I've just had an epiphany!
How about politically active epileptic dwarfs with a penchant for tights and capes?
Actually, forget that..it still sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.

~Static~ said...

@ Dr. Dave - I am not evil, just ambivalent.

Perhaps by using my stellar powers of observation and sharing my opinion, others will find me just as fucking hilarious and pay me millions of dollars...so that I can support me and Fat Julio's love child.
OR NOT. After all, the world is unequivocally unfair and evil.

And Dr. Dave, you're welcome a million...by that I mean, you owe me a million dollars. Now pay up!
I know where you live (even though your double wide trailer burned to the ground in the recent LA Station fires). =( =P

~Static~ said...

@ Bigmentaldisease - Father Knows Breast definitely sounds like something you'd want to be a part of? Really...then how large are your breasts now?

Static said...

@cbullitt @Skrib - I'll also have you both know, my good dwarf that I have, has since raised the size of my elven army to 1300.

So..nyah!

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