A Bedtime Story by Static


A bit of a hiatus between the Halloween Countdown, because I can't be arsed to suffer another review...even though to complete my degree that's what I have to do in my Film As Literature course...but at least most of those features are enjoyable to watch.


A long long time ago (really, the mid-late eighties) in a land far away (Denver, CO) a young prince (that'd be ME - I was a teenager, but in your years that is about 80) met a girl (a total skank) and they had a brief relationship (one week, and it was strictly physical because there was no intellectual chemistry there, her being a bimbo and all) and their blissful romance came to a crossroads (she and I kissed each other) when she shoved her tongue so far down the young prince's throat he practically gagged..no, in fact, he did gag, and choked on the girl's unusually long lizard-like tongue (it could also be compared to a slab of Canadian bacon). The girl sucked on the young prince's face, or more appropriately, his entire head like it was a honey baked ham and soon it became apparent to her that she resembled a snake trying to swallow a basketball. The girl realizing her french kiss epic fail and/or heinous esophageal rape, freaked out and acted like the young prince didn't appreciate her awkward advances, (which, after being practically drowned in her saliva and suffocated by her colossal yap, was mostly true) the girl in her hysteria and self-conscious neuroses (which were legion) accused HIM of not knowing how to kiss (???). The girl's accusations and incessant quarreling of course led to more discourse and no intercourse. So then their co-dependent relationship came to an abrupt end. They parted ways. She ended up a drugged-out 250lb cheerleader wannabe, with shoulders as broad as a linebacker's, ass wider than the broad side of a barn, and a wicked stepfather that committed a murder under their own roof (true story). AND the prince was forever grateful he didn't end up marrying that conniving bitch along with her EXCESSIVE baggage (live and learn) and they lived happily ever after. AMEN. The End.




10 COMMENTS:

sovietdisco said...

Tell me another story, Daddy.
*bats eyelashes seductively/creepily*

Static said...

**cloroforms sovietdisco again

How many times do I have to tell you to stay in your cage?!

Derek Smithers said...

That has to be the most beautiful story ever. I came twice. I would've have gone for three in a row but ever since I hit my thirties, it takes a little bit more to keep me going.

Static said...

@Smithers - Try an entire box of 100mg Viagra and wash it down with a 6-pack of Red Bull. Don't mind the heart palpitations and the STROKE, the Red Bull helps give that extra bit of energy...it's totally worth it when you're able to keep stroking...just remember to have that push button emergency response system handy.

Angry_Clown said...

Thats awesome almost made me wanna learn more then I thought 'FUCK THAT" and threw a pumpkin at the wall to celebrate Halloween. Its xmas for satanists! wooooo wheres my pressie stat. what was I saying? Oh yeah thats how you get rid of blood stains on the carpet (and a body) Burn the place down! Glad I could help.

Static said...

@ Angry Clown - lol wut? Did you get dropped on your head or get a broomstick up the butt when you were a kid or something?

Angry_Clown said...

At Stat (poetry): Yeah a few times, blimes.

Static said...

@AC - More importantly: Did ya like it?

Julio said...

Unbenownst to Static, I acquired the SECRET ENDING to the story that I will now leak to the press (i.e. himself)

"...and THAT'S how I met your mother, the whore."

Static said...

WHO'S YO DADDY?!

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