Halloween Countdown: 16 Days: Count Wussula

I’ve read Bram Stoker's Dracula before, but it has been probably ten or fifteen years so I don’t remember it in it's entirety.

I do remember my reaction was like "HELL TO THE YEAH!" NOT disappointed due to the fact he’s not quite the sophisticated pop culture pansy-ass Dracula we all know and love so much. He was more of a real monster. That's what a vampire should be.

But now, post-Twilight, I’m EVEN more on board with the monster thing. I like my vampires to be more menacing, less sparkly...certainly less like a wussy than Warhol's Dracula AND just as gory.

I am referring to Blood For Dracula, 94 minutes of pure shit.
But it's the best campy art film pile of shit you'll ever feast your eyes upon. I can only assume that Warhol meant for it to be a cheesy satire splattered with buckets of blood. That's why I have a love-hate relationship with this movie.

What footage doesn't bore you to death, kills you with laughter. The first hour which doesn't seem shocking at first, finally comes through and could stimulate the autonomic nervous system of even the most catatonic of vegetables. The last half-hour or so of this film surely would have euthanized Terri Schiavo and made Charles Manson shit his pants.

Now, despite everything I've said, one thing's for sure, Blood For Dracula is still a pretty interesting film, just on the principles that it is so different then what you would expect from a typical Dracula movie.

Gone is the suave vampire that seduces his prey. Here we have a very sickly vampire who relies on his servant for survival; he whines a lot; can only drink the blood of virgins lest he become violently ill, which he does quite often...it appears that virgins are not that easy to come by.

Well no shit, Dumb-ula!
Not only does virgin blood taste better, but it contains all the healthy vitamins and nutrients a thirsty vampire needs...but virgins are scarce these days, thank GAWD. Sluts are/should be just as nutritious as their puritan opposites.

The one thing that saves this film from me giving it a total S&P Steamer rating is the gore. Vomiting blood, mutilation, severing of limbs, and graphic sex scenes all gave the original uncut film an X-rating in 1974.

As stiff as the acting is at times, Udo Kier does a great job in this role. He's believable as a pathetic blood-sucking creature of the night.

Kier vaguely reminds you of Frankenstein's Igor, but he's a blood-soaked bat fuck insane Igor that makes Edward Cullen look like a choir boy dressed up like Little Boy Blue, and makes Nosferatu look like Colonel Klink wearing rubber Spock ears and candy corn fangs.

Kier generally plays a hard-ass in most of his roles and he could have certainly pulled that off in this flick, but he's so much better like this:


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and the best line from any movie in the history of film EVAR is



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Rent it today. You won't be totally disappointed.



Halloween Countdown



14 Comments:

Dracula said...

I am Dracula. I will be reading your blog with interest. I can tell from your font choice that your bloodtype is B-. That’s my favorite. It tastes faintly of avocado and hot wings.

Dracula said...

Well? Have you been reading about me?! Don’t make me fang you!!

Dracula said...

Dracula here again. I was petting my dog the other day, and he had a tick on him, which then bit me. As I am a blood-drinking vampire myself, the tick, by sucking my blood, became a super-vampire. Now there is a super-vampirous tick running around my castle. I can’t get rid of him because his powers are greater than my own. I had to board my dog at a kennel and the cost is ruinous. Any advice?

Anne Rice said...

Oh Dracula, you're so gay and you don't even like boys.

Super Vampire Tick said...

Thanks for the radioactive vampire blood, Dracula. Thanks to you, I am no longer a mindless invertebrate, but rather a sentient, super-intelligent and immortal stealer of souls. I've gotten quite comfortable in this here palace, sooooo I'd really like it if you would leave soon because I'm having a house showing this Sunday and it'll be really awkward with you being all "this is actually my house" and "he's not a human but instead he's a super vampire-tick." Basically what I"m saying iiiiis get the fuck out. Seriously. You're being VERY uncool about this whole thing.

Dracula said...

What's this? I'M BEING UNCOOL? You are the one trying to kick me out of my own house! I don't see YOU paying rent here. Why don't you get a clue and GTFO, or I'll surround my castle with a giant tick collar and spray the place with super vampire-tick killer.

Blah blah blahahaha!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why was he making a humping motion while sucking the blood from her neck? He looks pretty confused to me.

Van Helsing said...

Fuck off, Dracula.

Renfield said...

@ Anne Rice: He never lets me get any. Perhaps I have some spider bits stuck in my teeth?

@ Van Helsing: Go suck an egg.

Dracula said...

@ G Bananas: I was dry humping her thighs. Sucking non-virgin blood is very erotic. Just ask the super-vampire tick running all over my castle.

Skrib said...

This is all Anne's fault.

Anne Rice said...

Fuck off, Skrib.

Edward Cullen said...

I'm dead sexy.

Robert Pattinson said...

Shut up Ed.

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