Ask Static: Festivity Level Critical


Q: Dear Static,
You seem like a party kinda guy. How do you throw the ultimate Christmas party? Some parties may be seen as fun in the eyes of a few - but may not be seen that way by others. So what do you do? Do you invite the people over for Christmas you know will like your party, or, those you prefer the company of, but probably won't like your party. Do you dismiss the idea of having any Christmas party at all?

Thanks,

Party Monster


A: Party Monster,

This is difficult to answer because, a party might be fun for some folks, but to others it may not. Because of this we find ourselves in a catch 22 situation. What do you do? I'll tell you what you do.

If you have ever thrown a Christmas party, the worst thing you could do is throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Because you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days later and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. ADEQUATE. REASONABLY ENTERTAINING. BUT SAFE AND...BORING! CONSIDER THIS EQUAL TO DEFCON 5 ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY SCALE.

Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly--sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. WE'RE GETTING WARMER. BUMP THIS UP TO DEFCON 4.

Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them. NOW THIS IS THE WAY TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! COULD BE EQUATED WITH DEFCON 3 OR DEFCON 2 READINESS DEPENDING ON THE INTENSITY OF RIOTING. PARTY CRASHERS NEED NOT APPLY AT THIS POINT, SINCE CHAOS HAS ALREADY ERUPTED.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)

Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. ALERT! ALERT! DEFCON 1!

The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin, PCP, and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl.

If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning--their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility.

If you use enough PCP you won't have to worry about them getting anything but psychotic--but their alcohol toxicity level will probably lessen the possibility that they can carry out all of their impulses.

All you need to do then is pressure induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"

You: "No."

Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party."

You: "About the drugs?"

Police: "No."

You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?!"

Police: "No, the noise."

You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)...Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors?"

Police: "No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"

You: "No problem." (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn and spray painted all over it emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning. One is still behind the wheel, slumped over, their face pressed against the horn.) "See? Things are already starting to wind down."

****Note: Festivity Level Four has been endorsed by Black Santa Claus, who is taking Twitter by storm, five short days after I created an account for him. Which means...REDCON 1, COCKED PISTOL Y'ALL! =)
black santa claus

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Exceptions, of course, are if you're suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.



21 Comments:

Kelly said...

Personally, I think a party featuring midgets fucking tiny poodles while everyone enjoys a delightful concoction of doobage, drink and mushrooms has all the makings for a rip-dandy fiesta.

I'd watch that for a dollar.

Then I would further the evening's merriment by dousing them with gasoline, setting them all on fire and shooting each guest in the nuts or hoo hoo as they tried to flee the premises.

It's important to impress your guests with charm and grace.

Glad to see you still have the humor, sick bastard. Funny stuff, as always.

See, I told you I would stop by asap.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Ten gallons of alcohol, though, seems a little on the low side to me. Just sayin'. ;)

Static said...

@ Kelly - I didn't know your preference for patchouli, granola and Birkenstocks was outweighed by watching a live freak show for a dollar.

However, turning guests into Roman candles and playing target practice on their crotches makes the trade-offs well worth the expense....Right?

Merry Shitmas Kelly!

Love,

Static Claws

Static said...

@ Unfinished Rambler - Did I forget to say that was 10 gallons of alcohol PER GUEST. Well let me clarify that right now. That's 10 gallons of pure grain alcohol per guest!

p.s. thanks for dropping by, but next time you guzzle three times the appropriated amount of alcohol at such a party and then try to do a keg stand...make sure it's a keg and not someone's grandmother you're "standing" on. Merry Christmas.

Kelly said...

You must be psychic (or maybe just psychotic- the last one is more fun) to know those were my preferences.

BTW, I'd give even 2 whole dollars to watch a room full of retards (or ultra conservatives- either group being interchangeable) have their drinks laced with something that would cause them lunge upon each other, gouge out each other's eyes with corkscrews while singing ""Auld Lang Syne" this New Years Eve.

Of course, I will perform the videotaping and set them all on fire before I leave the premises. What a way to bring in the new year!

In case I don't hear from ya before NYE- Happy New Year!

Gorilla Bananas said...

You mean you don't invite the policeman to join the party? No wonder he's on the side of the poopers.

Skrib said...

#4 sounds like a great party. Gotta crank up Yuletide Grooves #2 with everyone singing along to Huggy Bear's Christmas jam.

Static said...

@ Kelly - I am both. It's called psychicotic (pron. sy-kick-cot-ic).

Happy video taping and Happy New Year! Hope yours is going good. Now please, wash your hands. God knows where they've been.

Static said...

@ Gorilla Homeslice - Invite the cops, you ask? Why do you think they showed up? The noise was an open invitation, buddy.

Static said...

@ Skrib - #4 is pretty tame. You should come to my birthday party.

TT said...

Even though that sounds fun my ideal party doesn't have any acts of violence or bodily violations. NO vitriol.
Plan ahead because attention to detail makes all the difference.

Pratik Gupta said...

Awesome, awesomer....aweSOMEST Post!!

great great idea....i will definitely keep the levels in mind

my first time and am already a fan :)

Static said...

@ TT - Then how do you explain your s&m parties?

Static said...

@ Pratik Gupta - Danya vaad, thank you.

Although, in India you may want to keep the festivity level below three. Anything above that will land you in Tihar Central Jail quicker than you can say, 'Slumdog Millionaire'.

Pratik Gupta said...

@krapsody: you sure know a lot abt India. ever been here or its literature, cinematic knowledge?

Static said...

@ Pratik - Ha ha! No, not nearly enough really. I know a little about India and it's cultures. I have friends who have visited India. I have friends from India. But I have never been there.

I am fascinated by India's origins of several most widely practiced religions in the world (Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism).
I love Indian cuisine. Particularly, saag or palak dishes, curries, etc.
I am intrigued by Ayurvedic medicine. The medical discoveries of diabetes, hypertension, angina pectoris having links to obesity are first detailed by the historical sage physician of 1500 B.C. Varanasi in the Sushruta Samhita text.
The modern decimal number system has it's origins in India, pretty cool factoid.
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse is one of my favorite books (next to the Kama Sutra, of course).
There are some really hot ladies in Bollywood and India (Aishwarya Rai, Amrita Rao, Sameera Reddy just to name a few).

Can't think of anything else atm. =)

Pratik Gupta said...

Whoaaa!! That was so much on India. I really appreciate your respect towards India and its culture. I wish more Indian people have same view as yours abt their own country. and few more people like you and world will be a better place. Are you open for Cloning?? :)

PS: You have jotted down a lot of things but it’s my duty to tell you that you are missing a whole lot of names on your hot bollywood chicks list. :)

Static said...

@ Pratik - I only wish more people would be as enthusiastic to learn about their own cultures, in addition those abroad, or have a desire to learn anything really--as opposed to knowing trivial facts about their favored dysfunctional pop culture icons.

That being said, I suppose I could have dispensed with the "useless" facts, and mentioned several more noteworthy Indian T&A, complete with photos. But top priorities at Krapsody are geared towards serious topics and subject matter, instead of boobies.

btw...if you can figure out a way to clone all the hot females in your country, I will fully support cloning, and trade you all of our hot females here (noncloned) in return...YOU CAN HAVE 'EM! :)

TT said...

Some of us may not be willing to go. ;)

Static said...

@ TT - A few minutes alone with Afroduck may make you reconsider.

Julio said...

I don't know about you, but I'm inviting at least ONE black Santa Clause to MY X-Mas bash. Preferably a black MIDGET santa clause, so he can fuck a tiny poodle as stated on the out-set of this discussion.

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