Have you seen this one yet? With those rumors swirling around that Nadya Suleman is shopping her birth video for a cool $1 million, there was a recent broadcast of this exclusive leaked footage...
Be warned! This is not for the faint of heart, or those easily grossed out by sketch comedy.
Clip from: The Jimmy Kimmel Show
The miracle of birth always amazes me.
Today's story: The Lulzercaust Campaign Trail of Tears.
While doing some investigating on my Google Analytics account I discovered that within our beloved country, I am missing out on some big love. Namely, two states that seem oblivious to the existence of Krapsody. In this day and age the question is how?
North Dakota and Wyoming, you suck. Of all 50 U.S. states you two are the only ones who have not sent Krapsody a SINGLE solitary visitor. Not one! Googley Analytics does not lie, so don't even think about trying to talk your way out of this.
I think the real reason here is that ignorance is pure bliss to these states.
That's right. I said it. Coz, that's how I roll.
Do you mean to tell me that you both do not have the internets yet? I wouldn't be surprised, now that I've not only thought about it, but typed it out.
I can't believe that there isn't one, just one single pasty white basement-dwelling nerd, or one bomb-making reclusive mountain-dwelling hermit, or one incarcerated prisoner that hasn't found a computer in the entire square mileage of both states - and by some sheer accident involving keyword searches like 'whale penis', 'mythical beast cock', 'elephant butt suppository', 'happy new anus', 'liquidy farts', 'biggest vagina', 'sock jobs', 'uncivilized four legged people in turkey', and 'you´re a what?... a clown' has failed to locate this website.
I'm willing to let North Dakota slide a little bit, Fargo is so far north it's far gone, and being so close to Canada they're practically eskimos (especially that void of the Saskatchewan province that I got sucked into off and on for a few years of my life through no fault of my own...thanks Dad.) Actually, I think most eskimos even have the internets by now, so you're slacking a bit North Dakota.
But I'm not letting you off the hook, Wyoming. You've been on my shit list for a number of years now. For not only the idiotic provincialism looming over your affairs, but the gay bashing death of Matthew Shepard in 1998, and your ugly brown rolling hills that took me hours to drive across, littered with the occasional 'almost there' signs, to get anywhere even remotely civilized.
At least your mountains have enough scenery to keep the slow witted entertained...for a few seconds until they shit their pants because there's no place to go; not one tree or structure to hide behind, not even a pine cone to wipe their arse with, and a state patrol that is just waiting to arrest someone for "indecent exposure". It's indecent not to let someone take a shit during a long road trip fercrissakes piggy!
Wyoming's geography or scenery aren't the only things that suck.
Surely, the geography and climate of Wyoming are certainly discouraging factors in keeping people out, but if Cheyenne had just one escalator, or a building taller than a double wide trailer, the city might be improved just a little. Don't get me started on some of the people..no wait, actually I think I will go there.
It appears to me in my experience with Wyoming that a large percentage of people doing business there are dull and generally thick. I don't believe they'd know how to use a computer anyway. I think the mentality of the people of Wyoming just like to keep their state small and don't actively court new businesses or advances in technology.
How do I know this? Well, I have spent MONTHS trying to settle my recently deceased father's estate with complete wing nuts who run operations from their capital city of Cheyenne (which reeks of manure incidentally and it's not just from the barnyard animals.) Most of these freaks don't even know how to scan a document, or send an email. Nor do they know how to run a business and therefore should have no business trying to run one.
No attention to detail, no concept of time sensitive information, no common sense to jot down information on a post-it note. Do you people only have access to a single community pencil and sheet of paper on off-days or something? Have y'all ever written before, or is that as foreign to you as feeling more out of place than Steve Urkel at a Klan meeting?
Imagine this if you will...an alleged major city with no one quite evolved enough to purchase then operate a scanner, or use a common email program to send or receive a message...don't get me started on them not returning phone calls. Do they even know how to check their own voice mail over in them there parts?
Perhaps both of your states should budget some of that government bail-out money to put in a better communication system in your epicenters. Then implement a training program to teach folks how to use that system and their brains and some communication skills to maybe, possibly, by some evolutionary fluke, reach their fullest potential.
That means get rid of the paper cups and strings and build a civilization, for the love of opposable thumbs! While you're at it, ship in some mating partners that will introduce some new DNA into your population of bumbling idiots.
I have never seen such a bunch of useless horse pucky in all my life.
And in between that, when y'all are done rounding up the chickens and herding your sheep, can you maybe get around to visiting my website. Can you find it in your walnut sized minds to visit Krapsody somehow?
But I suppose that's too much to ask of a general populus that either does not own computers or don't know how to use it's basic features. Oh the irony! Perhaps in many years you can figure out a way to do that after you're done drooling all over your Etch-a-Sketches, and shooting yourselves in the foot while cleaning your guns.
Feel free to retort upon discovery of this message several hundred years in the future when you actually have a working computer and I'm dead and don't care anymore.
Just keep in mind that the mark of a person's intellectual ability can be easily measured by the quantity of swear words used in 'comebacks'. These are those verbal ripostes and parries that any such argument flits between. Any of my attempts to goad the citizens of Wyoming or North Dakota into the realms of rational argument will surely be greeted with calls of 'faggot' and 'c$%k sucker'. I almost feel sorry for ya.
Anyway, thanks in advance for your consideration you insensitive mean-spirited poltroons. Two can play at that game.
Insincerely yours,
Static President Dictator of the American Lulzercaust Campaign
Lulzercaust Campaigns - Way beyond offensive, only accomplished through teh sabotages of teh usual lulz. LAWL!UPDATE:
Since this post, news of disasterous flooding in North Dakota has made me reconsider some of the things I stated here. They were only meant in jest. Wishing the best of luck to anyone displaced or experiencing a loss there. Ironically, I've had two visitors from both states since this post. Judging by the lack of responses from residents of Wyoming and North Dakota, I can only assume they must be rounding up the lynch mobs right about now.
St. Patty's Day. Parades. Drinking. Leprechauns. Leprechauns make me lol.
The only good leprechaun is a dead leprechaun. But sadly, shooting one will not bring you any lucky charms. But I know it makes me feel better.
I don't know if you are aware but your average urban Leprechaun is a cunning bastard and will take anything that hasn't been nailed down. Contrary to popular belief, if you catch one, you will not get three wishes or a pot of gold; you will only get a kick in the crotch or a pull of the johnson or teat. A most painful and surprising turn of events.
Take my word for it.
Yesterday was time to bring out your green (I'm not referring to my last post), and every douchebag that isn't Irish does just that. Green decorations, green beer, green food, and green clothes. Like t-shirts that state you're so Irish you shit many wee leprechauns, or "Do Me, I'm Irish". Those are complete bastardizations of the holiday. I'm finding myself a bit at odds with the color green and the celebration.
There's also a national movement to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday. Last year, Guinness® started Proposition 3-17, a campaign to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday in the U.S. making the annual celebration of Irish heritage a celebration of the usual drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination. Aren't we tired of the stereotyping guys?
I'm sure Barack O'Bama (an Irish-American) is much too busy to even bother to acknowledge that there are a bunch of drunks (most of whom aren't Irish at all) establish a national holiday so they can have a day of carousing referred to as an "official" holiday, as if they need a real excuse to get hammered.
Forgetting one thing are we? Not all employers will give their employees a particular holiday off, nor will they always pay them for it either. Why should we beat around the bush here? People nowadays are all about the shortcuts. Just ask for a day off from work so that you can get drunk (you may want to keep that detail to yourself). If you're lucky they'll pay you for a sick day. If not, oh well..you still got blottoed like you wanted to. There! EASY BUTTON.
I'd also like to ask these beer goggled aberrations of nature, how many people must be injured, maimed and killed on the most sacred of Irish days?
For instance, when the young Arthur Guinness himself decided to set up business in Dublin on St. Patrick's, an angry mob of leprechauns gathered and they nearly did him in with a well aimed snookerball launched from the roof of Canary Warf, London, England - a most unusual place for leprechauns to be.
Art's left nostril was so disfigured by the incident, that he could only win over the public by performing in a Shakespearian play as a stunt codpiece. I believe his part was played out in Othello, which is where his inspiration for dark stout beer originated. The secret ingredient has been revealed to be leprechaun piss and the rest is history.
College kids and idiots looking for any excuse to get inebriated and get into brawls or catfights would be rewarded with such a notion as making St. Patrick's a national holiday. I think if St. Patrick were around, he'd smack the lot of 'em with his shillelagh or swing around a dead leprechaun until he brained 'em all. And rightfully so.
Little known facts:
1.) I'm quite Irish. I know by the looks of my avatar, I probably seem more like I'm from the Dark Side of the Moon. But I'm what is called black Irish, just like O'Bama. And I shit leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year. A little token of my esteem, it is exactly what it seems. Made fresh daily, at exactly 9 o'clock. It comes from my chilaney, you can keep it in a crock!
2.) My real first name is a strong Welsh name, which entitled me to daily name-calling and playground beatings. I'm still rather disturbed by it. The shitting leprechauns 7 days a week, 365 days a year part I mean. See #1.
I'm also equally disturbed by the thought that this day is known for drinking. I don't think it will happen. The majority of Americans are too busy shopping at Walmart, throwing cacti at each other and running themselves over the rest of the year in a drunken stupor to actually care about the depths of world politics, much less a national holiday.
Considering it for a national holiday has an odd way of seeming entirely incomprehensible not only when written, but also when spoken about. I think we could use a holiday that doesn't involve alcohol. Don't you? It’s no secret that alcohol-related arrests increase during the holidays, this is because holidays are bad. We should just give mandatory days off every 60 days and not refer to them as "holidays" ever again. But call them the day to get pissed and yell at people in public day.
Consider the following scenario -
A very drunk man boarded the bus and took a seat across the aisle from a prudish old woman. She stared at him and gave him the sourest look imaginable.
The drunk looked at her and blurted out, "Laaddee yore the ugliesht woman I've ever sheen!"
The old lady replied, "Well, you're the drunkest man I've ever seen."
The drunk retorts, "Yeah, laaddee maybee sho, but tomorrow morning I'll be fine!"
Really, is that so?
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Procrasturbating? I know I am.
With spring right around the corner I think many of us have the spring fever, and that's the causation of procrasturbation.
So fap away freaks.
Here's a random funny video to stroke your funny boner to. It's right up there with Picnic Face and their hilarious commercial spoof "Harness the Power of 400 Babies"!
Visit: Mediocre Films
Even though it seems like Baggies demographic is crack dealers and methamphetamine pushers. Let's focus on how Baggies could be useful for other illegal substances, such as marijuana. All this product needs is a stoner celebrity endorsement.
John Dolmayan - drummer for alt-metal group System of a Down, who just purchased a rare copy of the first comic book featuring Superman for $317,200.00! Man, he musta been rrrrrrrreeeaaally HIGH.
Snoop Dogg - a professional champion pot smoker. A pot smoker that every other pot smoking cheeba-head strives to be like. Snoop's at the pinnacle of firing up the ol' skizzzunk. Snoop Dogg smokes pot like a kiln, like our hippie parents used to. With all probability, his only rival is an old woman with glaucoma.
Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong - psychedelic bud brothers who starred in such movies as Nice Dreams. They were sucking down bong hits and were burnouts long before you were a gleam in your daddy's eye. They are the reason for a revival of the munchies, blood-shot eyes, cotton-mouth, late night insomnia and a stand-by for the cancellation of Dave Chappelle's show (see below).
Dave Chappelle - comedian, film roles, t.v. show. Does Dave smoke pot? Of course, how else would he think of all that funny stuff. THC still means, "The Heavenly Chappelle" in most stoner circles.
Harold & Kumar - another odd couple in a pothead cult flick. How many stoners do you know that constantly quote Harold & Kumar movies? Too many to count, that's how god-damn many.
James Franco and Seth Grogan in Pineapple Express - seriously, this kind of movie stopped being funny about the time Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle was released. If you liked this flick (I haven't even ventured to see it), and it made you want to go to the drive-in and Hotbox the car up when ya saw it.. well then you're a freak show. People stare at your scary hair, they gawk at the way you walk, they squawk 'bout the way you talk. Normal folk think you're just a joke. How dare you to share the air the public has to breathe. And those are the usual responses I get when I'm out in public.
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Schwarzenegger told British GQ that he had never done drugs, and they called him out on the scene in 1977’s Pumping Iron documentary where he was smoking a joint. The cuddly Nazi responded that “That is not a drug. It’s a leaf… My drug was pumping iron, trust me.” He's still probably floating all willy nilly-like in sparkly cerebral dreamland with unicorns, Care Bears and shimmering Sargent Shrivers to this day..why else would you go into politics?
Barack Obama - the country's top dawg even dabbled a bit. Oh yeah, that's cool and all. Only once again, it's made this guy: someone who's smoked some ganja decide to want to be a politician. Who says pot makes you all lethargic and unmotivated? How has beer ever affected someone's mind that insidiously? Beer is just a little bit better than Obama because beer won't take half your paycheck, and because beer didn’t smoke pot and snort coke.
Damn stoners. I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. And half of the world's population of drunks read my blog. So guess who's to blame? I think I'll go smoke a fatty now.
Another passing thought I had today when ol' Octomom Nadya Suleman crossed my mind momentarily.
Now that Nadya's tape of her giving birth to her octuplets will be sold to any takers offering a seven figure sum, we'll soon officially know what it's like to witness what it must be like to see a cantalope being tossed out of the Grand Canyon...once it's posted on the internet that is.
In order to reduce the amount of obscene pregnancies, reproductive politics need a bit of adjustment. I propose issuing a Baby Permit to any couples wishing to have children...The more children you have, the more permits you are required to purchase and renew every year of their lives until they give birth to their own offspring.
Creating a new law that requires people wishing to have a baby to apply for a permit prior to conception might ensure the limitation of consequences of frozen embryo harvesting and implantation, but could also deter free-range philandering, and subsequent poorly thought out trysts.
For one thing, the idea of being licensed or issued a permit to procreate sounds kind of cool. Doesn't it? Quiet dinner (check), flickering candlelight (check), soft music (check), satin sheets (check), scented massage oil (check), IQ above 70 (check), baby permit (check). OK, I'm ready!
Why this might even eliminate our economic problems in and of itself! BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
I'm heading to Washington to get this bill signed today.
Hmm, after careful consideration - I just thought there could be dozens of people selling their baby permits on Ebay. Counterfeiting rings would spring up, and unscrupulous government officials and Wall Street workers would deal in baby permits under the table. Oh, the humanity!
Okay, so the idea was followed up poorly. If we take another look at it, maybe we can salvage this one?
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Listening to: Tori Amos - Professional Widow via FoxyTunes
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
- Stephen King
In some kind of weird game of "you're it", I've been tagged. It's true. In the spirit of blogging and internet memes, I'd completely forgotten for many months now that I was bestowed with more awards for my handiwork as a blogger than I could shake a sharp pointy stick at.
It's easy to forget things like this when you have near absolute chaos going on in your life, and when said sharp pointy stick has pierced your brain's left frontal lobe because you've tripped over everything in your path.
I'm such a klutz. Good thing I didn't run with the scissors on this occasion.
But gosh, so much has happened in the last six months, such as...
well, sitting around in my underwear all day eating Cheese Doodles and thinking up stupid stuff to write about.
While it does appear that I must -- as one person has said -- "sit around in [my] underwear all day eating Cheese Doodles and thinking up stupid [stuff]" -- they were, in fact, correct. How else would I come up with this stupid stuff to write about?
It's a difficult job, and I need lots of brain food (which is where the Cheese Doodles come in.)
Of course when it comes to writing so much stupid stuff, I must inform that it's an ongoing effort, and quite demanding as you could imagine. IMAGINE IT, I say.
I'll give you a moment to visualize me sitting and lying around in my underwear eating Cheese Doodles...trying to come up with stupid stuff to write about...
Y'know honestly, coming up with this much stupid stuff in itself does take LOTS of time and dedication. I publish slightly amusing articles I suppose. My collection of "innocuously humorous ruminations on life, love and dumb stuff" could almost be a full-time job in some respects.
But it's not, thank the stars, because I already have a full-time job and I also go to school full-time and I do have to eat, sleep, and practice good personal hygiene at some point in my career as a stupid stuff writer.
So I can't always take the time to write for your reading pleasure, not that I write for your reading pleasure exclusively. Much too busy to try to do that. If I can chuckle about my musings, then I'm sure others would chuckle about it too. Good 'nuff for me.
To be quite honest, I am also unable to follow the guidelines for acceptance of the following awards. But I accept them anyway!
I am all for spreading the love, but I am way too bow-legged and have too much going on to pass these on to another blogger. Frankly, I think there are a lot of great bloggers out there that deserve these awards, so it wouldn't feel fair to give them to just a few of my favorites.
I prefer to drop comments on my favorite blogger's pages when I can. For me, that's how I show I care. Because I care, just like a kid lost in a candy store...mostly.
First and foremost, I rang in the new year with The Helping Hand Award from Survivor at I DON'T GIVE A BLEEP. According to Survivor, I am a sick, sick man and my humor is irreverent and just plan crazy.
I thank you for your comments and the gesture, Survivor.
I shall visit you at your office one day soon, with a box-full of infomercials you could give a bleep about. Then I will proceed to strip naked and run about your office screaming at the top of my lungs that you touched me inappropriately. What better way to thank a fan?
Tamera Daun of Pentad: Simplifying Life and Love, dropped this award on me back in September. Yes!!! that long ago..I feel like an ass. And my ass thanks you too.
I'm not only brilliant according to this award, I'm brillante!
I'd like to thank the academy, Gawd and all my followers (3 in total). And most of all thank you Pentad, for sticking with me through think 'n thin, sickness and health, forever and ever amen.
The rules for this one were also requiring that I pass it on. Once again, apologies. I just have too much to do. But I thank you all the same.
Coincidentally, Chris Upp of The Lost News also dropped the same award on me back in September. So thank you also Chris! I wish I could return the favor, would you like some Cheese Doodles?
Going back to JULY last year (that's July of 2008 for you folks who may have forgotten it is now 2009), Damo at Angry Clown dropped the Arte Y Pico Award on my foot, which left me with a severe limp, but that's okay since I already had a limp - because of my unusually large club foot!
Oh, I am an ass. Truly, I am. Many apologies for the long and overdue thank yous.
Finally, the brilliant and always funny, Lobo over at Predator Press was so kind as to give me The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! Award.
However, he didn't really give it to me, I gave it to myself. Well, he said we were all winners when he handed it out last year, and frankly, I was tired of feeling like I was a loser.
But I do have all these fine write-ups to inflate my ego (which is already quite immense despite my self-deprecating remarks.)
I must not suck all that bad for the recognition I have received from such wonderful folks in the blogosphere. But seeings as I haven't recognized the latest awards until now...I guess this means the long rumored all-expenses-paid trip to Vegas isn't forthcoming.
And I guess this also means I should take it as a sign that my career in show business won't be taking off either. My already-small role in "The Lance Armstrong Story" is being trimmed in favor of more shots of a cancerous testicle. And so I bid you adieu until next time.
"I have seen the light, my life has been one BIG lie, now I live my life according to Krapsody." -President George W. Bush
"Static's talents are a gift from God. Or something like that..." -Rev. Billy Graham
"If it weren't for Krapsody I would have committed suicide years ago." -Owen Wilson
"My addiction used to be drugs & alcohol, now it's Krapsody!" -Lindsay Lohan
"This site cured my cancer." -Melissa Etheridge
"I used to be a cripple & now I can walk, thank you Krapsody!" -Stephen Hawking
"Krapsody? That's hot." -Paris Hilton & her New BFF
"Now I see that shaving my head & checking into rehab was the best advice I'd ever heard. Thanks Krapsody!" -Britney Spears
"The moment I saw this site I thought.....Instant classic." -Oprah Winfrey
"Move over Christianity we found something better." -Mel Gibson
Stumble It!
