When Someone Ruins Your Kodak Moment

We've all been there before. A night out on the town or a day at the carnival, taking snapshots of you and your friends or family having fun to preserve the memories, and some dickweed from outta nowhere sticks their fat face in your pic.




Honestly, it sucks to have other people in the background of your shots, but sometimes it's unavoidable in public places. Most of the time it's an innocent mistake, people just don't realize they are in the background. But then there is the occasional jerk-in-the box who relishes such circumstances.

Like this waitress

No tip for you bitch.

You're a douchebag out nightclubbing with your homies, and to show how cool and attractive to the opposite sex you think you are, you have three girls pose with you and some other douchebag (probably your friend) in the background decides to go digging for gold at just the most inopportune moment evar.

Wilmer Valderrama is so cool man. I don't know if that's him, but even if this isn't him, he's still a douchebag.

Or how about the fat topless person creeping into your wedding photo?

That might be the most disgusting photo so far. Talk about wedding crashers.

A day at the beach can be ruined in a variety of ways.
Like for instance when the family dog answers the call of nature in your 'aren't they all so cute' photo


You're goofing around on the beach and 'I'll steal a quick candid snapshot' is interrupted by a skank with a hangover and a nasty case of the crabs who creeps into the viewfinder scratching at her pubes and the dried spunk on her crotch from her 20 guy creampie last night.


Beach combing is so much fun. You find a spot to relax and take a picture with your girlfriends and your Old Navy outfitted trendifuck metrosexual boyfriends decide they want to be in your picture too.

"Hey Chandler, guess who's doing the wobbly-h tonight? Ha ha ha ha!" STFU. Only you and your homophobic friends are doing gay sex acrobatics for everyone on the internet to see, assclowns.

You're on vacation and stop at a famous local bar. You take a snapshot before leaving to say, "I've been there" and some jaggoff lit up on Jager you shot down moments before presses his mudflaps to the window behind you.

That guy must do some serious manscaping to get his ass that smooth.

Every redneck sportsman in Hicksville wants to look cool to their buddies. Just slapping a deer rack over your fireplace isn't enough. No, you have to take pictures of you and your slaughtered animals you sick beast. Even more sick than that is when your dog decides to get frisky with the dead deer in your snapshot.

Did your pooch learn how to mount deer by watching you?

You look at your pictures on your camera phone and notice that one is interrupted by someone else's special moment.

Aww, isn't that romantic?

Camera phones are great aren't they? They are so useful. Since they became available every pervert in the world has been using them creatively for upskirt shots and more.

Wonder why junior spends so much time in the bathroom?

You know you aren't going to get too many calls for your personal ad when Scooby and Shaggy think you're face is pretty spooky.


Finally, nothing could piss you off more when you are trying to have an intimate moment with your SUV and YOUR FACE ruins the picture!

Talk about getting some tail...pipe.

Global Warming Really Chaps My Hide

Today is April 22nd. Do you know what day it is? Did ya forget already? Why it's Earth Day!

It's time for us to clean up our act. A time for going Green. A time for picking up trash around yourself and not throwing it out the window on the freeway, pinheads. A time for calling out sick at work and reducing our carbon footprints. That's just what I did. I called up work this morning and told them I wouldn't be coming in today. And if they didn't like it...well then I'd be leaving a carbon footprint in their ass.

The bleeding, the sick, the elderly, and the infirm can walk to a hospital for all I care at this moment in time. That's right. No ambulance rides for YOU today! Get ill, have a heart attack, or injure yourself some other day, moron. Don't you know it's Earth Day?


I want everyone to know, Krapsody is environmentally conscious. After all this blog isn't printed on paper..AND I drink only earth-temperature water (preferably polluted, so I can do my part in filtering the many toxins man has dumped into the environment).

This might explain why I have a large growth on my neck that glows in the dark. Hmm, maybe I ought to get that checked out..

Anyway. So in honor of Earth Day I have done something M0AR meaningful than participating in some run-of-the-mill BORING Earth Day event at a park or civic center, that in reality, just creates more trash and pollution.

I have created my very own motivational posters for you to pass on and get people motivated...or aroused..or perhaps a bit pissed off. Controversy is my middle name. Whatever works to spread the word!






















Well. That's it for now folks. Tell me which ones are your favorites by leaving me a comment. Maybe the Earth Day Network or perhaps even the Green Party will use one someday. If you're feeling up to it, print one out and use it as a bumper sticker on your Hummer...what?? A guy can dream can't he?!


----------------
Listening to: The Pretenders - My City Was Gone
via FoxyTunes

The Five Stages of Grief

Anyone familiar with the Cartoon Network - Adult Swim animation series Robot Chicken knows how great and goddamn funny the sketch comedy is. There was a clip I came across while browsing on YouTube, that addresses the Five Stages of Grief, ironically..considering my recent loss, it was quite apropo.

Man!...death...I mean Seth Green is amusing! Good grief, Charlie Brown. Watch the vid...

Really, there's nothing all that "knee-slapping" funny about death or dying. Actually, in retrospect once you're past the shock of the experience, just about anything can have an element of humor.

Why just the other day I was attacked by a mob of clinically depressed circus clown retirees upset over my lame 'anti-anti-comedy manifesto'. They tasered me, shredded my hand in a blender, and poured battery acid all over my genitals. And looking back now..it was HILARIOUS!

Easter Beast or Bunny?

Happee Eeeaster everybodeeeee! Remember the Mohammad cartoon debacle?

Well this one tops that by a gajillion miles..somewhere a christian extremist is plotting their sweet revenge.

















Anyway, I find the image to be extremely appropriate. I always found Catholic imagery to be frightening as a child. It was always so...bloody. I always would imagine the smell of ancient blood splattered on the ground. Blood everywhere. Scary Inquisition victim blood. Scary tortured and crucified Jesus soaked in blood. It disgusted me. Any church literature I've seen was awful, don’t get me wrong, I understand the need for spiritual beliefs, but do you people have to hit others with bloody images–just preach the word and let those who want to hear it listen and those who don't, leave them alone.

But the rabbit laying Jesus eggs is not so strange. A rabbit laying a Jesus egg actually is quite religiously mythological. This is precisely how religion works. The evolution of it. The rabbit, the egg, Jesus, the blood–all religious symbols. The animal fertility character giving birth to the human sacrifice. The idea of Easter is just another holiday lifted from Pagan religions anyway. What came first, the bunny or the egg? It certainly wasn't Jesus, speaking historically or um, metaphorically.

I'm sure I'll have a bunch of psychos responding with hate-filled comments about this image that I didn't create, and my commentary that may challenge their beliefs. But why, what problem could anyone possibly have with this? It’s all very Jesus-y.

Could it be that since the blood is the rabbit’s that it makes you mad? You guys are the same types who bought Beatles records and then burned them when John Lennon observed that they were indeed bigger than Jesus in the minds of the young. Which coincidentally was true.

The Easter Bunny is just creepy anyway.

"Just for the record. Yes. I am creepy. Aren't I????"
- The Easter Bunny

Let's have a look at some other creepy Easter Bunnies.

The Radioactive Crochet Easter Bunny


The Vintage Creepy Easter Bunny


The Slightly Less Vintage but Much Creepier Easter Bunny


Snip Snip the Castrating Easter Bunny


Bounce-O the Creepy Easter Bunny Clown


The Creepy "I'm Lurking in the Bushes" Easter Bunny


The Fascist Enthusiast Easter Bunny


The Easter Bunny Demon


The Easter Bunny Monster


Jeff Koons’ "Rabbit" Easter Bunny


And finally, Trigger Happy TV’s Exhibitionist
and/or sexual assault Easter Bunnies


Happy Creepy Easter!

Have Ya Seen a Hicksville License Application?

Ever seen a license application from Hicksville? That's right, Hicksville. It may be located in a rural area near you. There's a Hicksville in every state and nation.

Today I'd like to share and have a look at an example of a bonafide license application from the wonderful town of Hicksville. Actually it's not a town technically when it is only comprised of one shack, but I'll leave the important decisions up to the smart people.


Oh oh! Looks like the town of Hicksville has a stick up it's ass. City officials, who have apparently been living in the past, discovered that their license application just didn't request quite enough information (yeah, "smart" people strike again). I think the problem from the looks of it was that the application was not requesting enough correct information considering the demographic.

With so many licensure scams developing in places like Maryland where licensing practices have been lax, criminals and undocumented illegal immigrants were showing up by the truck loads from neighboring states to acquire a driver's license fraudulently, often using fake addresses and phone numbers to get one.

Getting wind of the most recently discovered licensing fraud, Hicksville DMV officials all across the U.S. have cracked down in a nationwide effort to tighten rules on how states issue driver's licenses, and knowing that having a lack of enough requested info on their applications prompted them to change the applications accordingly.

I’m pretty sure you’re rolling your eyes at this point too. If you end up with one of these applications and find yourself offended by it, welcome to Hicksville. You can visit your local DMV and stand in line another three to four hours to exchange your license application for a new one. But it will probably be just like the one you had to begin with.

Type-A personalities and felons take note!

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Number that have been fathered by the same person: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've crossed the US border in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Red-Man [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

Country of National Origin (where were you born)?
[_] USA
[_] Other

Seem familiar? Yep, you live in Hicksville. Good luck with that.

Ask Static: The Fifth Element

And now...another moment of venting and rage spewed upon the intarwib and your unlucky eyeballs.






Question:

Hi Static

How would you like a Home Depot Gift Card?
We want to send you your $1000 Home Depot Gift Card. Please click on the link provided below and confirm your shipping address.

http://xxxxxxxxxx.org/


Thank you,
Sam - Associate # 1132
Customer Support

Answer:

Sam,

Gosh, golly, thank you. Why I was sitting around just thinking about what I would do if I had a $1000 to go shopping at Home Depot. I was going through episodes of needing to do some home improvement projects withdrawals.

And now, thanks to you.. my dream has materialized right before my very eyes. Why...I'll be in weed whackers, leaf blowers heaven! Not to mention that I can finally afford that 2,000 lbs. of manure and potting soil I needed, so I can grow a healthy crop of screw you plants.

I give Home Depot five stars for being such a great place to shop drunk at.
As a matter of fact, I think I'll head over now in a borrowed pickup that is all "bachelored out" with it's "hit-and-run/beat-to-shit" exterior and when you open the door a bunch of beer cans fall out. It's got spinners on it, it also has pink fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror, "slightly asshole-ish" mud flaps adorned with those chrome-plated naked bimbos, and a pair of truck nuts hanging from the bumper.

Piss off "Sam", in case you didn't catch onto my sarcasm yet. Do ya think you could send me 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 more spam emails in a day from a series of masked/fake email addresses?

Incidentally Sam, have you read my most recent self-help/do-it-yourself book? It's called "Life Lessons by Static"

The first chapter? Don't eff with me.
And the second chapter? Be wary of my foot going near your posterior or any other open body cavities. I think your intestines would look better on the pavement, what do you think, Sammy?

What was the link you say? www.spammingbunghole.com