Pat Robertson Says Blue M&M's Devine Retribution

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Vagina Beach, VA - Rev. Pat Robertson has always been known as a shining beacon of hope and all that is good and holy, from his Liberian diamond mine venture, to his call for Hugo Chavez’s assassination.

After his remarks that earthquake stricken Haiti got what it deserved because of its pact with the Devil, it is now quite evident that Pat Robertson has lost his damn mind.

Since the Act of God upon Haiti, the UN has called for international aid to ship canned food, water, and 6,000 Nelson Mandela action figures to the region.

Thousands of people, organizations, and well-known celebrities have donated their money. But Robertson, having a billion dollar empire, has not donated a single penny, declaring that "those devil-worshipping Haitians don't deserve it!"

Robertson leaves little doubt that he is racist amongst other things, "I am sick and tired of those damn liberals giving away all America has to help the helpless," he continued.

As for Robertson's vehemence for liberals and their organizations, "I call upon my viewers to exterminate all liberals in retribution for aiding and abetting Satan."

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Robertson added, "I tell people ‘Don’t kill all the liberals.’ My plan is to leave two on every campus as living fossils."

Robertson's statements about Haiti also contained some historical inaccuracies that have since come to light.

Some other stunning examples of Robertson's inaccurate historical accounts were his remarks that the creation of the McRib sandwich occurred in 1994, not 1981. And his belief that Monty Python and the Holy Grail is more than just a movie, "it's a goddamn historical reenactment."

Even more astounding were his claims of Doomsday at the end of 1982 that fell short, as well as his having the power to deflect hurricanes through prayer.

An example of his inadequacy is when Katrina devastated New Orleans and many surrounding areas in 2005, including Orlando, FL. Robertson claims Katrina was caused by homosexuals "flocking to Disney World and the French Corner on their special gay days" and there was nothing he could do about it.

Other things that top Robertson's Acts of God List include:
* the mere existence of Rush Limbaugh
* Ariel Sharon's persistent vegetative state
* having a light-skinned black man with no negro dialect as U.S. president, "that's what America gets for not electing Pat Robertson chief executive of the United States! Ironically, Harry Reid has no discernible negro dialect either.."
* the assassinations of Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi, Robertson had hoped "they were taken down a little sooner" because of their attempts to "create an alternate lifestyle" and, "them two fleshy bags of mostly pansies opposed everything that Jesus lived for – markedly Jesus’ call for peace and harmony. I anticipate that yak herding Dalai Lama guy is next, knock on wood."
* the September 11 terrorist attacks, "the ACLU, abortionists, gays and lesbians, pagans, and feminists helped it happen..[feminism] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians"
* the destruction of Adolph Hitler and the Third Reich, "Hitler's a 'pussy' for his inability to 'man-up' in the face of adversity."
* the Late-Night fiasco, the Jayocalypse is devine retribution for Conan O'Brien's ties with "those liberal tree-hugging hipsters, God shall strike them all with various afflictions and we shall burn all their socialist paraphernalia while they drop dead!”
* the confluence of events necessary to pair "Jets" and "playoffs" for the first time since the 2006 NFL season, much less uttered in the same sentence EVER.
* those "damn Thundercats" for enraging the Ancient Spirits of Evil to the point that they brought Mumm-Ra back.
* that gallon of milk that spoiled in Robertson's fridge.


All of these, in Robertson's mind, due to pacts with the Devil. These beliefs for Robertson have allegedly reduced the man to a quivering pile of horse manure.

In his current state of paranoid delusional thinking, he has barricaded his dressing room and awaits the apocalypse, stating, "Holy fuckin' fuck, fuckers. The end is near! This is it. This is really it!! You'll all believe me when it happens this time around."

"God fucking damn it," he added, trying to fashion a weapon from a bobby pin and some tape. "I wasn’t built for this."

He has even stopped requesting his favorite meal from CBN staff members (sugared skunk dumplings with Appalachian molasses). This sudden change in personality and resultant psychotic break has caused worry amongst his own viewers.

Substance abuse, perhaps? Is it possible Robertson might be tripping on something? Maybe he needs an intervention with the Rev. Al Sharpton, Bill Cosby, Oprah, and Mr. T.

It is evident that Robertson has no control over his spastic personality. Since his most recent overtly racist remarks, CBN's market share subsequently went to hell: did they not notice, and figure it out already? Stay tuned for more on Robertson's condition in upcoming issues.


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17 Comments:

Pratik Gupta said...

It would be really interesting to take this guy Pat Robertson one on one....i have always admired these guys and love to rape them to the core...
but i guess you have already done that to him :D
But it still amazes me that how such guys also have so many supporters...i guess there is something really wrong with the society

Kelly said...

Static: Conservative christian freako Pat Robertson needs some electro shock therapy. And more. He actually said that shit about Haiti? He really is insane. I thought your "pacts with the devils" part of your post was funny. Good writing.

Pratik: And yes, the society of the United States is wrong... and, for the most part, extremely insane. They don't admit to it, though.

Static said...

@ Pratik - Because of his fundamentalist leanings, I think it would be quite entertaining to subject Mr. Robertson to some "coercive management techniques" (aka terror suspect torture)...such as a little water boarding, a few days of sleep deprivation (loud heavy metal music might be an option) combined with prolonged constraint (hog-tying). Although it may or may not produce useful information or make Mr. Robertson's view of the world any different, it might make some of us feel a little better.

Naturally, society is the blame for EVERYTHING that is wrong with it. But, in my opinion, the singlemost major failing of society is the stunning absence of enough Pastafarian holidays.

Static said...

@ Kelly - He did say some of that.

Here's the video clip of Pat's comments on his CBN broadcast...most LOL worthy.

Here's the official back-peddling from Robertson's PR team:

"His comments were based on the widely-discussed 1791 slave rebellion led by Boukman Dutty at Bois Caiman, where the slaves allegedly made a pact with the devil in exchange for victory over the French. This famous history, combined with the horrible state of the country, has led countless scholars and religious figures over the centuries to believe the country is cursed."

Some of them there highlighted words are buzz-words added to the context to make it seem as if Pat Robertson didn't just pull his VAST knowledge on the subject out of his ass. But if you've seen the entire footage of The 700 Club segment you realize that Robertson knows nothing about Haiti's history:

From Wikipedia: (under Dutty Boukman and the beginning of the Haitian Revolution)

Raymond Joseph, Haitian Ambassador to the U.S., made an appearance on MSNBC's Rachel Maddow Show and shamed Robertson - pointing out that Haiti's freedom led to freedom across Latin America. And they weren't they only beneficiaries from those historic events. "The U.S. was able to gain the Louisianna Territory for $15 million," Joseph added. "That's three cents an acre. That's 13 states west of the Mississippi that the Haitian slaves' revolt in Haiti provided America."
Vid clip HERE.

So, according to Robertson's accounts, America has essentially benefited from a "pact with the Devil"...irony, he has it.

Anyone else interested in a pact with the Devil? Email me. I can send you a contract and forward it to the Big D, via UPS or FedEx.

Julio said...

Sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I've been held up in Pat Robertson's basement where I was repeatedly raped by Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Martha Stuart and Hulk Hogan. Pat Robertson never touched me though...that sick bastard just liked to watch...and that LAUGH...and those HORNS...and that damn pointy TAIL!!!

thinkinfyou said...

Man,and I thought I was going to hell!

Static said...

@ Julio - I've heard some lame excuses in my day but those take the cake. If you would have said that you were held hostage by ONE of the celebrities you mentioned, and repeatedly raped with a broom handle - THEN I would have been more apt to believe you, rather than assume you were procrastinating. Now quit reading the most recent edition of Martha Stewart Living and get to commenting.

Static said...

@ thinkinfyou - If and when you get there, say hi to Pat for me.

Anonymous said...

i said purple m&ms (not blue) are devine retribution get your facts right you godless sinners!!

Skrib said...

My theory is that Pat is secretly jealous of Haitians. Real zombies are always jealous of fake voodoo zombies.

threio said...

"6,000 Nelson Mandela action figures to the region."

I see we have someone other than Brownie coordinating this catastrophe relief effort. Just a matter of time now before Haiti recovers once these super action figures land.

mangle jangles said...

Once Pat Robertson healed my back pain by praying for me through the television. HOLY TED HAGGARD, BATMAN!

Static said...

@ Anonymous - Purple, blue, green...who gives a fuck. I think God has more important things to worry about.

Static said...

@ Skrib - I think you may be on to something there. Do you think real zombies are capable of thinking?..like that?

Static said...

@ Threio - Yeah, my point exactly. The slow response of the US military and the U.N. might as well have included a bundle of party supplies in the first air drops, in some vain attempt to lighten the mood...nothing like confetti and plastic party horns to lift the spirits.

Static said...

@ Mangle Jangles - Careful, Robin. Robert Tilton's back pain cure is much worse than that. They don't call him "Pastor Gas" for nothin'.

Static said...

p.s. Pat Robertson is also sexist.

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