Ask Static: A Trendy Alternative

Q: Dear Static,

I want an HTC Magic. Now. Can you help?

Signed,
Cell phone phreak


A: Dear Celltard...

How about an Etch-A-Sketch as a trendy alternative?

It costs less and is just as handy as the HTC Magic or the iPhone. It certainly beats the iPad hands down on several features, including it's simple and easy to use interface. And despite what has been said about the iPad, the Etch-A-Sketch is clearly superior to any handheld/mobile device on the market.

In short, the Etch-A-Sketch is the ultimate multi-tasking handheld super computer!

etch a sketch fun



This might lead one to ask:
How might a day in the life at the Etch-A-Sketch help desk go exactly?...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Any questions?

8 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Shake or don't shake. It has a Zen like simplicity to it. I think you should shave your head and become a Buddhist monk sales rep for Etch-a-sketch.

Static said...

@ Bananorilla - Gee, that's a novel idea. Although, I don't think there's much of anything that is Zen about an Etch-A-Sketch (EAS).

If the EAS were a religion, or a philosophy, if you will, it would be akin to being “born again”, a term that has been widely associated with the Evangelical Christian renewal since the late 1960s.

And it should be known that Evangelicals believe that the shaving of one's ass is the true way to spiritual enlightenment and ultimately, "the rapture".

This is something I have already done, although more out of necessity rather than for religious beliefs. It is highly refreshing, I must say...it helps to clear the mind. I think you should try it.

Julio said...

An Etch-a-Sketch is like the ultimate PDA for naughty businessmen and politicians. Had John Edwards or Elliot Spitzer or Mark Foley or David Vitter or Bill Clinton used an etch-a-sketch to record the details of their affairs, as opposed to an iphone, they would still be banging their hot interns and fat interns and underage male pages to this date! Example:
Mark Foley: *on the etch-a-skech* I WANT TO THUMB YOUR BUTT-HOLE MR. LIL' MALE PAGE!
Mark Foley's Wife: Husband, what art thou doeth with our magic PAA (Personal Analog Assistant)?
Mark Foley: *quickly shakes clean the record of his pedophelic affairs* Not molesting children, if that's what you think!

There you have it, the pure genius of the etch-a-sketch. Thanks to Krapsody for enlightening the public on this oft' forgotten technology!

Static said...

@ Julio - I thank you sir!
Now I must get back to drinking cough syrup and Etch-A-Sketching my thumb-holing encounter with Mr. Foley for my upcoming sexual harassment law suit against him. Nothing beats an artist's rendition on an Etch-A-Sketch detailing a sexual encounter of the third kind admitted as direct evidence...especially if that artist is the VICTIM!

sovietdisco said...

Dear Etch-A-Sketch Help Line:
My baby won't stop crying. What should I do?
- Doc Handsome

Kelly said...

Goodness, you sure have a lot of knowledge about Etch-a-Sketches. And your advice on when to "shake it" was so very informative.

If you could draw any picture now, on one of these, what would it be of?

I'm sure it would be inspiring.

Static said...

@ Soviet Disco - Well, I believe there are two choices, either: a) Pick it up and shake it. Or b) Don't shake it.

Shall I go ahead and call social services now?

Static said...

@ Kelly - I would draw a picture of myself peeing on caricatures of the cast of Jersey Shore. Instead of shaking it and erasing all evidence of my "crime", I would frame it and keep it on my wall as a constant reminder of why I wouldn't actually waste my good piss on that bunch of degenerates.

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