Did you catch the Oscars Sunday night? Wait..wait..wait. Better question: did you enjoy them? Between Ben Stiller's awful Avatar spoof, and those horribly tedious - "I'd like to thank the Academy" and "I'd like to thank Gawd" acceptance speeches, I think I've found the cure for Oscar night blues, and it ain't more cowbell.
|source: Producer Elinor Burkett Hijacks Speech In Oscar 'Kanye' Moment|
If I had won, this is how my acceptance speech might have gone.
Static's Acceptance Speech for the Best Supporting Actron Oscar:
Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly act! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other second-rate nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was a God on Earth, I just had to take a Carnival Cruise and obsess about how freakish my fans have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda numb...
There are so many blood-sucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the self-congratulatory circle jerks of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
**cue awful sounding melodramatic music tailored for near catastrophic elevator malfunction in single floor free fall**