Grant, Franklin, Washington Pissed About Reagan

Washington D.C. - Anyone who thought Ulysses S. Grant's battle days were long over is wrong. The $100,000 question: Should Ulysses S. Grant, the legendary Union general and 18th president of the United States, be bumped from his 96-year stint on the $50 bill by...Ronald Reagan? The $50 question: Does Reagan deserve to replace Grant? Or, does Grant deserve to be replaced by Reagan? Okay that was two $25 questions.

AND WE'RE NOT BUYING.
I suppose a more appropriate question would be:
If Grant should be replaced, who should he be replaced by?
And more importantly, who the hell do people think they are replacing Grant on the $50 bill?!

Krapsody reporter, Ernst Ze Provocateur, interviewed Grant yesterday, and Grant had this to say, "Who the HELL do you people think YOU are?!"

"..replacing ME..that's like replacing Ronald McDonald, with Bozo. That's like replacing Chad Kroeger of Nickelback with a mop (although that would probably work). It's like replacing sugar with saccharin..oh, they already did that. Well, I suppose those were bad analogies. Fuck it."

Ben Franklin was equally pissed, and a bit worried, "What? Are they gonna replace all of the historical figures on U.S. currency? Who will be my replacement? A chimpanzee? George Michael? WTF?! This is outrageous. May the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing lose the printing plates emblazoned with that bastards face so he never ends up on any banknote."

George Washington, whose portrait is on the $1 bill, also thought this was a horrible idea and was quoted as saying, "I think if they are going to replace Grant or Franklin, or myself, then they should replace me with Martha Stewart, since she looks almost exactly like me. I cannot tell a lie."

Thomas Jefferson, jumped out of his likeness on the $2 bill to insist he wouldn't mind switching his post with Reagan who is deserving of being there, "HE'S as queer as a two dollar bill, y'all!!"

Abraham Lincoln, our beloved $5 bill man, was also stunned about the news and offered this explanation, "Perhaps this is a good thing. It will give a new generation of Americans something they can relate to. After all, nobody remembers who we are anymore. Nobody loves the old and washed up. Except for me of course. Everyone knows me. I am the bee's knees."

Alexander Hamilton, whose image graces the $10 bill, agrees with Abraham. "I think it's a good thing. Maybe I can be replaced by Schwarzenegger when he becomes President, or perhaps Clinton, because he and I are so much alike. What with his antics in the Oval Office, and my little blackmail affair that caused me to resign my position as Secretary of the Treasury...I couldn't think of a more appropriate replacement. Can you?"

Andrew Jackson (aka Old Hickory), on the $20 bill had a different stance, asserting that this was not only a decision based on "shit for brains ideology", and "machinations that smell suspiciously of ass and a conspiracy theory", he suggests, "...[that] America needs to create a new series of banknotes to match it's glimmering Socialist economy with only two bills as it's currency! One bill, the $1,000,000 dollar bill with me on the front..and the other a $1,000 dollar bill, with Static Krapsody on the front. End of story!"

Or we could just dispense with Reagan and all the old fogies and print our own money, like this guy did:
here take this i printed my own money
image courtesy of: Sharon Actor

F_ck Y__h. How many of these does it take to buy a vowel?



21 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Huh? Why the hell are you moderating comments? Has someone outed you?

Gorilla Bananas said...

All these politicians were quite divisive, weren't they? Lincoln and Grant were hated by the slave-owners; Reagan was hated by the pinkos. How about Meadowlark Lemon as the first black man on a banknote? Name me one American who doesn't like Meadowlark Lemon.

sharon actor said...

haha well done sir - awesome post! thanks for the link too.

BMD said...

RONALD REAGAN FOR PRESIDENT!

Kelly said...

Replacing Grant with Reagan? Why that's like replacing Stephen Hawking with George Bush. Whaaaat?

It all smacks of some kind of wacky Republican shenanigans to me. If I were in charge (what a pleasant thought), I would put Brain Griffin on a banknote.

Just my 2 cents.

Funny post, dude. That reporter of yours should get a raise. :)

Lisa L. and Todd R. said...

So basically what they're saying is you don't actually have to be PHYSICALLY dead, a dead CAREER can also qualify you? I will send you my list of candidates later on - you can submit them...:)

Static said...

@ Banana Freak - Meadowlark Lemon, the "Clown Prince" of the Harlem Globetrotters?

Nah, screw that. One of the criteria for being on U.S. Currency is being dead and being a central historical figure in U.S. History.

I say Malcolm X is a much better fit since he in fact is dead, and he was a central figure in the Civil Rights Movement...and for the simple fact that he is quoted as saying, "Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery."

Static said...

@ Gorilla-y one - And why are these politicians seen as "divisive" in your eyes? Is it because you're a Brit and those colonial revolutionaries that defeated the Kingdom for their independence are all seen as "divisive" or "terrorists"? Hmm, hmm?!

Static said...

@ Sharon Actor - You're welcome. It fit in perfectly with my theme here. It appears I owe you for a few vowels however. I suppose it will all come out in the wash?

Static said...

@ BMD - I believe you are well over a couple decades behind. Would you care for a pair of neon blue leg warmers that look like the Smurfs threw up on them, along with a Huey Lewis and the News cassette tape?

Static said...

@ Kelly - Brian??? Really???? I would go with elderly homosexual ephebophile Herbert as a better candidate for the $50 bill.

Ernst just got a 2 cent raise...for the year.

Static said...

@ Lisa - Hopefully your list doesn't include me....
Does it???!!

sovietdisco said...

Fuck Ben Franklin. He was never even president. I say, hell yeah put a chimp on the hundred! Then you could say, "Let's roll up a monkey and blow some rails," and so forth.

Static said...

@ Doc Haandsome The Discoman - Hells to the yeah, homie. I like your thinkin'. We'd have all kinds of colorful phrases for primate cash. Like, "Q: How much you want for yo ride, dawg? A: I'll take 10 Chimps and a case of Shlitz, brah."
The movie industry would feel the impact as well, changing titles to meet consumer tastes: such as Eastwood's classic A Fistful Of Chimps and Newman/Cruise in The Color Of Monkey...

Julio said...

FUCK Ronald Reagan. Gang rape his dried up corpse like a 13 year old girl locked in a Federal prison. Reagan foresaw the largest increase in federal deficit since WWII, deliberately allowed the economy to flounder (when lowering interest rates would have cured economic woes) and vetoed a bill that prevented private clubs from discriminating against race. He's a total douchebag. He shouldn't be put on Paper money. He should be put on toilet paper. The only thing he's worthy of doing is cleaning my asshole, not representing commerce.

I think Obama deserves to be on the $50. He isn't dead yet, but we still have troops in Afghanistan/Iraq and they still gave him the Peace Prize. We know he'll die one day (or do we...cyborg-Obama?), so why not get it over with?

Static said...

@ Julio - If Reagan does end up on
any currency, may Obama be dick slapping him in the face.

Static said...

@ Julio - And may Bonzo the chimp ass raep them both.

Shelly said...

I think they should leave the presidents as they are. Reagan wasn't really that great of a president anyway, was he?

Static said...

@ Shelly - I agree with both your points. But I am sure there are some that would completely disagree and say that Reagan was the greatest president ever and should be on every U.S. paper bill. Reagan/good/bad. It's all subjective really. You already know by my previous comments what would happen IF I had my way.

Btw, nice animal lovers site you have Shelly. Everyone should pay a visit http://www.howlersandyowlers.com/about.php However, I noticed a pronounced absence of monkey (ie. chimpanzee) information. What gives???

Qelqoth said...

Monopoly money works fine for me. That is, until I leave the comforts of the day clinic. Then I get strange glares from the bank clerks for some reason. They'll be telling me I can't use coin shaped chocolates or novelty bank notes next. Bastards.

Static said...

@ Qelqoth - If you lived in the States that might end up being a different scenario. Pretty soon we'll be using Monopoly money (or monkey cash) since there'll be a shortage of the real thing...should trickle down and affect you Brits soon enough. Then those bank clerks will be begging you for your coin shaped chocolates...since they'll be starving.

And yet, some people are worried about putting Reagan on the FIFTY DOLLAR BILL. How about putting him on the FISTY DOLLAR BILL?! And I don't mean FISTY in a nice way. An economic system is all about the iron fist raep. I'd rather have a trade and barter system any day. At least you'd know where their hands have been.

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