Q: Dear Static,
I live in an apartment. I own an elephant (Ellie). Every time I feed her, she explodes! I spend the rest of my day cleaning and scraping her off my walls!! The next day she's back again and the same problem keeps occurring (??!!!). PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
A: Dear Douchebag McFucktard,
First, calm the f--k down. This happens to everyone at least once in their lifetime.
Second, elephants will work for peanuts. I'm sure you have already figured this out.
Third, just because elephants will work for peanuts--doesn't mean you should pay them in peanuts. Only a cheapskate or a total moronasaurus with elephantitis of the balls wakes up one morning and decides on some whim to get themselves an elephant..and then would dare to EVER ask this question...after the fact. Who the hell died and made you the pachyderm expert anyway?
Furthermore, I gather from your jumbled, blathering question that you are no expert or elephant trainer. As a matter of fact, I'd say you aren't equipped to handle the responsibility of an elephant at all. I suggest you stop consuming alcohol on a regular basis...and really, abstaining from hallucinogenic drugs might do you some good as well. Yes, shit-flinging ass goblin, that means stop smoking the banana peels too.
Lastly, FYI: Peanuts and their oil are one of the main ingredients in nitroglycerin (aka dynamite). This is just one more reason to be wary of elephants. So STOP feeding it peanuts. Unless this is all you can afford to feed it, then just warn the neighbors...and lest you forget, you might also be on the FBI's Most Wanted List. Does "terrorism" ring any bells?
Coincidentally, the elephant is the only mammal that can't jump...unless it explodes. Happy demolitions!
p.s. Elephantitis, I know who you are (link).