Dick, PA - "I've seen some weird eBay listings before but this is really weird: HAUNTED PENIS RINGS. I discovered this oddity as I checked my Google Analytics account to see what hot keywords people are using to hit on my site...'penis' still seems to be at the top of the list of weird searches that direct to krapsody.com. Followed by 'whale penis'. And stranger yet, 'inside elephants ass', 'giraffes asshole', and 'old man in spedos [sic]'. I can understand 'whale penis', maybe I can even understand 'inside elephants ass' as those would be somewhat relevant. Boy, some of you people on the internets are REAL degenerates. I can only imagine how disappointed some of you freaks are when you don't actually find what you're looking for," Static says candidly.
Static continued, "Anyway, if you have an Analytics account you know with a few clicks you can follow the links for each keyword and then proceed to 'Google Insights for Search' under each keyword overview, which will in turn lead you to peculiarities like this."
Quote from actual eBay listing:
HAUNTED PENIS RING ~ GAIN LENGTH 4 HOT DEEP HARD SEXXXX
This fantastic ring will help you to grow a longer harder penis for more pleasurable sex. Deeper powerful penetration will make your partner satisied [sic] beyond your imagination. This is a senstaional [sic] ring that is infused with only white Magick and is extra positive.
If you already have one of my spell infused sexual rings you know they are great and you will love this one also. This rare ring has had a real live Warlock who specializes in sexual spells cast a secret spell on it. The ring is a size 9 shiny stainless and is very comfortable to wear as a pinkie or any finger ring. I am the ONLY Ebayer selling these real Warlock spell infused rings. I have some other sizes and styles as well as rings that have different spells infused in them so take a look at my other auctions. This listing, all feedback and packaging is private when you buy from me so no worries. This is a REAL spell infused ring that will change your life for the better, see my feedback. BID HERE AND YOU WILL ENJOY THE PLEASURES FROM YOUR NEW RING!!!!
"Heavens to Betsy, this repulsive freak's 'spell infused' cock-ring must stink like goblin asshole. And this haunted warlock band is only a size '9'? That's a RING size 9...in other words the inside circumference of the ring is 2.34 inches, or 0.746 inches wide. We haven't even discussed length yet...but as you could imagine, it's probably FINGER-SIZEDDDD," Static says.
"I wouldn't think that's exactly a full-filling experience, is it?? As if! You either 'have it', or you don't. Right ladies?! Hey, you can do a lot with a finger as I detailed in a recent article. But a finger is a finger. Even if you are wearing this sham on your finger..which I am assuming it's for..it's still only a finger."
"If you believe a haunted warlock ring is going to enhance your penis size or your sex life, you might as well believe that slamming an entire bottle of Enzyte and moving to Canada where they use the metric system will make your 4 inches to 10.16 cm conversion a huge difference," laughed Static.
On a side note: you can't get whale-penis leather seats in your SUV after all. Aww.
"But, seriously. Haunted Penis Rings? LOL..eBay..who the fuck buys this shit?"
"Let me offer you nitwits some advice: If you really want a bigger wang, tie it to a large rock and toss the rock over the side of a steep cliff. If you are lucky, as it tumbles down the edge of the cliff it won't take you with it, or worse yet, tear off your penis. If you are really lucky it will stop short from the bottom of the chasm and begin to stretch your wiener. Do this on a daily basis for the rest of your natural life."
Here's an example of this weird penile enhancement technique not endorsed by Bob Enzyte:
"If you are really really lucky, it will actually work. But I suspect that it will not. And thus you'll be left fretting over the incredibly average size of your own dick. Good luck with that."
Article and interview credit:
President, Krapsody.com Save The Searchers Foundation