The 12 Days of Christmas (Alternate Version)

Holiday song taken literally. Hilarity ensues.

December 14

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

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December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 16

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 17

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

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December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

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December 19

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

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December 20

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

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December 21

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move around in my own house.
Just stop it, smartass. And that's final!

Agnes

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December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

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December 23

You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

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December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

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December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Farder.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Farder at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Ahole

6 Comments:

Kelly said...

Hilarious! Poor John. Agnes really should have appreciated all of his wonderful gifts. The guy might be frothing-at-the-mouth insane but at least his heart was in the right place.

Whenever I hear that part of the song about the maids a milking, I always picture hot pioneer type chicks wankin' away on a bunch of guys' dicks.

Whenever ol' John gets out of the asylum or jailhouse, he should send the ungrateful bitch, Agnes, a mug of eggnog, spiked with his baby gravy. Now that's showing some real Christmas spirit right there!

Static said...

@7masterheathen - John's heart is blacker than the ace of spades and Al Jolson wearing blackface singing "My Mammy" getting his ass kicked by Mr. T at Blackercrombie and Fitch on Black Friday during a blackout and he has his head up an elephant's butt. Seems like John's got them in the right places alright.

And eggnog is baby gravy..to chickens.

Qelqoth said...

Agnes wasn't that smart really. When a postman turns up at your door with a partridge in a pear tree, the first thought would be, "Oh my lord - I can see where THIS is going".

Static said...

@cultofqelqoth - Good point. Agnes deserved it from the moment she signed on the dotted line, that dumb bitch. =P lol

Greg said...

Quite the orgy of gifts going on there, that is one Christmas she'll never forget. Now if she wishes to return any of those gifts I'd be willing to take the eight maids a milking off her hands..

I'm into the Christmas spirit..

Static said...

@ Greg - Sorry, but the eight maids a milking are booked through Christmas 2012, BUT the twelve fiddlers fiddling are available. Call now!

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