Hanukkah Ham

Hanukkah Ham courtesy of Walmart


Dear Walmart,

Thank you for this bountiful gift. But, oy vey!
It takes a lot of chutzpah to be such a schmuck.
Meshuganah!

Mazel tov,

The Jews

19 Comments:

BMD said...

That's some goooood eatin'!

Static said...

@bmdisease It might be better eatin' if it was stuffed with 6 lbs of bacon and sausage, and a big juicy pork tenderloin--then smothered in lard. Which leads me to ask how much Crestor do you take every day? Has your Lap-Band exploded yet?

C said...

Static that is a recipe that would make Justin Wilson sit up in his grave.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

Strange thing you bring up. I was imprisoned this year due to disorderly conduct involving four meters of rubber hosing, a large ham and dust-buster. My release was called for by my friend, the Mighty US Warlord, Premier Obama.

Walmart said...

Hi, @walmartamy here! This didn't happen at a Walmart Store, http://walmarturl.com/g9smBj

Static said...

@ C That is a recipe that would shock a rabbi and give John Candy a boner.

Static said...

@ Rafael Good thing you didn't have a copy of Decision Points in your possession at the time.

Static said...

@walmartamy Oy I'm verklempt. The Walmart ham isn't all that good anyway.

Oh me oh my. I didn't realize that my satire article would stir up so much dust that a real-live Walmart rep would bother responding. Of course I forget that Walmart is very concerned about it's image, what with it's repeated stampedes and tramplings every Black Friday, it's political contributions to it's Republican friends, and it's new but shocking uniforms. Quite the facade for a bunch of hams to keep up.

Santa_4_reals said...

@ Static don't forget about Walmart's labor law violations and outsourcing jobs under false pretenses of "Buying American". Walmart has gotten so big for it's plastic bagged britches that it's easily the $27,000,000,000 ham of American business.

And as long as we're on the subject:
Santa's feelin' the pressure of being behind schedule this season. Four of the elves are sick, and the trainee elves aren't producing the toys fast enough.

I knew I should have outsourced their positions to a Taiwanese sweat shop. If it's good enough for Walmart...

Static said...

@Santa_4_reals According to the Ham Sandwich Theorem, by golly, I think you're right.

Gorilla Bananas said...

As ham is non-kosher, this must be some kind of kinky sex toy. A passive toy, as it's boneless.

Static said...

@ Gorilla Bananas: The whole idea isn't kosher. I mean, that there is a butt-plug (click here) designed for the fine customers of Walmart (Ham Beasts) who have a Ham-handed fanatical interest in such matters as Ham in the Trunk; boneless or otherwise.
AND
It's the hottest selling item of the season and supplies are limited--so be sure to Ham-slam down to your nearest Walmart and stampede and trample your way over dozens of other Ham-whackers to get yours!!! Just ask @walmartamy!

"Walmart: where if you're feeling lonely, you can rub yourself all over with lard before getting down and dirty with a Ham on a stick™."
. . .And just how kosher is that?

Static said...

Oh and be sure to NOT shoot anyone on your way out of the parking lot when you leave...kthxbai!

Skrib said...

Don't forget about Walmart's sexual discrimination suit! Guess @walmartamy and Walmart are more concerned about negligible offenses that end up being funny more then they are about treating female employees as second class citizens.

Kelly said...

What the heck is a Chanukah? Is that some weird, funky foreign holiday? And what's with all the candles on that one thingy? Don't they use light bulbs and electricity? Is this the same ham at Walmart the Jews used to kill Jesus with a hundred years ago?

Mel Gibson might know. Let's ask him.

Static said...

@7masterheathen The Jews did not kill Jesus, silly. Jesus went to a block party and choked on a piece of ham that had been BBQd by Jack Lord of Hawaii Five-O. So it's all Jack Lord's fault. Mel Gibson should direct his fury in the proper direction in the form of a phone call to the Jack Lord fan club and Book 'em, Danno!

I can't believe you don't know about Chanukah. Chanukah is a holiday that is observed by Hebrews everywhere, every year in celebration of the destruction of New Kids On The Block.

Since Hebrews are just like the Amish (extraterrestrials in human form) and don't believe in electricity, the candles are for finding ones way around in the dark. Pretty handy for lighting things on fire too, such as a pile of dead Nazis.

L'CHAIM (which is a short way in Hebrew of saying, "Silence Earthling! My name is Darth Vader. I am an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan! Now suck it!")!!

Rafael Clarkstein said...

@ Static can George Bush still duck a shoe?

researchia said...

hilarity ensues with more oy vey laughs at http://oyvey.co.il/2012/01/10/to-fail-as-seen-on-shuk-rack/ :)

Static said...

@ researchia: Hilarity ensues at your link dropping fail.

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