New Study Lends Credibility To Theory That We Don't Know Jack Schitt

Sat. January 1, 2011

Godthåb, Greenland (Krapsody) - By reconstructing the brains of extinct birds, researchers are shedding light on when birds evolved into creatures of flight. Overwhelming evidence suggests birds evolved from dinosaurs some 150 million years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such birds left their gates, taxied down the tarmac and finally took to the air.

Scientists in Greenland are focusing on changes in the size of a part of the rear of the brain. This part of the cerebellum, known as the flatulus (flat-choo-lus), is responsible for integrating visual and balance signals during flight, allowing birds to judge the position of other objects in midflight and release excess flatus.

"We believe we can discover how the flatulus has evolved to deal with different flying abilities, giving us new information about when birds first evolved the power of flight and ultimately, flatus. This of course makes them more buoyant, providing the "aerostatic" lift necessary for flight," said project leader Stig Qarasaasiaq, senior curator of vertebrate palaeobiology at National Museums Greenland.

In collaboration with the University of Crocodile Dundee, investigators are scanning fossils of at least a half-dozen extinct species and the skulls of roughly 100 modern birds in unusual detail. "Unlike medical scanners, which take a series of slice images through an object that may be up to...well, uhh, I don't know exactly how far apart, but it's really small..and the 3-D scanner at the University can be accurate up to..umm, something a bit smaller," Qarasaasiaq said. (The width of a strand of hair is a tad smaller than that.)

And in a related study by the same group, the reconstruction of the brains of extinct Creationists (also known as flatulus antiquitus or "old farts"), researchers reveal when humans mutated into creatures of sub-human species. Overwhelming evidence suggests Creationists probably evolved from apes some 2,000 years ago, but one of the missing pieces to the evolutionary puzzle is how such anthropoids skipped the missing link and basic public school Life Science courses, in addition to their continuation well into the modern era.

When it comes to the modern Creationists, "We are particularly interested in species that are closely related where there are somewhat intelligent and non-intelligent examples, such as Neoconservatives, Tea Party protesters, Fred Phelps, and Glenn Beck," leading project investigator Jack Schitt, told Krapsody.

Schitt went on to add, "I also see a direct correlation between the flatulus in birds and that of the extinct Creationists. The presence of flatus has led to them both being full of hot air. Brain farts are a customary occurrence in mammalia and aves together. This is just common knowledge."

Schitt, who was made famous by his Pulitzer prize-winning articles, "No Schitt, Sherlock" April 25, 1973, and "To Know Me is to Know Something, Apparently – the Autobiographical Lies of Jack Schitt" July 24, 1991, believes this research lends credibility to many theories in regards to the distinct possibility that no one really knows Jack Schitt.

More on this amazing story as it develops.

21 Comments:

Count Sneaky said...

I think it took a few centuries on the tarmac for the dinos to sign up enough passangers to fill all the seats and then it probably took a few thousand centuries for the aircraft controllers to evolve and by then fares had hit rock bottom and most dinos were out of business by then. So, JetBlue Bird Airlines was the last standing on the tarmac and the rest became history.

Static said...

@ Count Sneaky: Can you please clarify your response. I feel like you are riding on the fence. Are you: against flight, a neo-luddite, or are you just being cynical? Good day.

Static said...

Apparently folks do not appreciate humor or irony in the 21st century. Surely this means the end of all humankind...or not.

Greg said...

The missing link is the corks that were found strewn about the ancient grave sights.

The theory is that corks were inserted into asses in a bizarre ritual which allowed the buildup of gas that would have been otherwise dispersed, this led to flight and the hot air syndrome of creationists.

The question we still have to answer is the technology to make corks was not available at that time...leading many to believe that we were visited by an advanced race many thousands of years ago..

Kelly said...

Krapsody reporter Jack Schitt is definitely onto something here. The smaller fart part of the brain of ancient birds and the much larger fart part of the brains of current Republicocks like Glenn Beck share a commonality that should not be dismissed.

There should be research done on how best we can bring the current sub-human neoconservative Republicocks closer to extinction as they have proven detrimental to the well being of the more intelligent and enlightened among us.

Lori Gomez said...

Hahaha

I always knew there was an evolutionary reason for flatulence...

I think I love you! :)

Static said...

@ Greg - And that advanced race were poo-flinging primates with corks in their butts. Oh, right. I'll rephrase that in the form of a question, Mr. Trebek: And that advanced race were poo-flinging primates with corks in their butts? It all makes perfect sense now.

Static said...

@ Greg - Oh golly, I did it again, didn't I? Let me pull the "Alex Trebek cork" out of my ass for a moment. My sincerest apologies: Who are the advanced race of poo-flinging primates with corks in their butts?

Static said...

@7masterheathen - au contraire, Kelly. Jack Schitt is not a Krapsody reporter. Mr. Schitt is a curator and project investigator at University of Crocodile Dundee. He neither has the expertise or the competence to handle reporting for this fine and respectful webstablishment. No siree, you will never find even the faintest traces of smut here. Not like you'd find at UCD. Crikey! Smut and anal-retentiveness will surely be the extinction of all Republicocks.

Static said...

@LoriGVW There is not only an evolutionary reason for flatulence, my dear. I contend that flatulence IS the very reason for evolution! Mwah mwah! That is the sound of my buttcheeks kissing the air.

Greg said...

You have cleared the air...Or was it that the air has cleared, and now I can breathe?

Static said...

@ Greg - Aren't you going to grant me a wish now, oh great and powerful genie?

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Static said...

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THE SNEE said...

Hi Static,
It has been a while. I'm really glad that Mr. Schitt's incredible story traveled downwind. The air became so unsettled that I had to fly up here to breathe in a fresh new take on the truth to evolution. Flatulus the God of the Winds is a true inspiration.

Static said...

@ THE SNEE: hello, SNEE! Nice to SNEE ya again! This article proves that religious beliefs involving chickens and other nonflying birds, and evolutionary theories that don't involve flatus are preposterous. Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental and kind of amazing. Krapsody does not endorse this story. But Jack Schitt does. Because he don't know Jack Schitt.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

My niece asked her father (my brother), "Papa, how did human race appear?"

He answered, "God make Adam and Eve and they had childrens and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her mother same question.

Her mother answered, "Many many years ago there were monkeys from which human race evolve."

This confused girl so badly she returned to her papa and ask, "Papa, how is it possible that you tell me human race created by God, but Mama say they develop from monkey?"

My brother answer, "Well, dear, it very simple. I tell you about my side of the family and your Mama told you about hers."

See, Kazakhstan Science Club explained everything now!

marcelino said...

I trust no research from a guy that doesn't wash his hands and is named Schitt. And on top of that (no this is not the time to get a hard-on); I damn sure don't trust no bullshit coming out of Greenland....there toilets flush backwards.

Do some fact checkin Mutha F$$kier!

p.s. - i know u thought i was dead?

Static said...

@ Rafael you are by far my favorite commenter..you have been endowed with such keen insights and knowledges that make monkeys mad with envy.

Static said...

@ marcelino I knew for a fact that you weren't dead. It would take more than a shot of penicillin to get rid of you. And like the clap you keep coming back! Also: Good call on Mr. Schitt. I do think an overwhelming majority of readers would agree with you. Quite astute, if I do say so myself. Are you sure you aren't related to Rafael?

Santa_4_reals said...

Jack Schitt don't know jack shit about nothin', 'specially evolutin'.
But if Jack should change his mind, I want to know what he does with the diaper.

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