Japan Earthquake Linked to Charlie Sheen

Godzilla Sheenzilla
Oh, no, they say he's got to go
Go go Sheenzilla.
(click to embiggen)
Thur. March 17, 2011

Mt. Godzuki, Japan (Krapsody) - Last Friday's magnitude 9.0 quake and subsequent tsunami killed upwards of 5,692, and more than 9,500 people are missing. Tens of thousands more are living in temporary shelters, but only a small handful have been evacuated.

The massive quake damaged a nuclear reactor plant at Fukushima, described by one NPR correspondent from Japan as "probably not as bad as Chernobyl," and another correspondent was quoted as saying, "It's just as bad as Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and Chernobyl combined. It must violate clean air rules by now I would think." Crews are working around the clock to stabilize the reactor before the situation gets any more out of hand.

Meanwhile many homeless citizens gathered around the growing fire at the plant to make shish kabobs and s'mores. One man remarked, "My teeth are glowing a brilliant neon green now, don't you agree?" as he smiled. Indeed his teeth were as green as it gets.


As the plume of radiation steadily spread towards the west coast of the United States, the panic reportedly triggered a rush to drug and health-food stores to buy potassium iodide tablets, which public-health officials say can reduce some, but not all, of the health risks posed by excessive amounts of radiation.

The concerns have largely arisen among the general public -- and not among many public-health officials and emergency management officials, who are expected to die first.

But most surprising are the eyewitness accounts that Charlie Sheen was in the area of the earthquake epicenter when the disaster occurred. Unconfirmed reports from groups of commercial fisherman who were nearby claim that "Sheenzilla" is responsible for the earthquake and the tsunami that have rocked Japan.

"Sheenzilla", as he is known affectionately by the Japanese, acquired the name due to his monstrous appetite for drugs, hentai, Japanese prostitutes dressed as schoolgirls, alcohol, cigarettes, power lines, cars, trucks, boats, houses and other buildings, television executives, and average citizens in that order.

One bystander, Hiroaki Gojira, who was out on his fishing vessel that day, claims that he heard a rumbling noise coming from the sea floor, and moments later saw Sheenzilla rise from the ocean, "He was yelling, 'I have proclaimed every brain cell in this Warlock brain to be a weapon of mass destruction. You've been warned!'" Hiroaki knew this was going to be bad.

Japanese blue man group
"I thought to myself,
'Uh-oh, this is going to be bad,"
Hiroaki Gojira remarked
about sighting Sheenzilla.

"I thought to myself, 'Uh-oh, this is going to be bad," Hiroaki nonchalantly remarked.

Hiroaki's face, however, is permanently frozen in a look of horror. "Japan had not seen Sheenzilla in many years. And every time he show up he destroy things. So I had a camera with me and took his picture. It's like: Uh-oh, HOTDOG!"

According to another fisherman and the mayor of Fukushima, Yoshitoki Yakitori, Sheenzilla continued to rant, "He say, 'My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option. Trolls need not apply (that mean you Denise). (hashtag)FASTBALL! The global inferno that is me, is now as molten and focused as my afterburners.'"

"Sheenzilla then shook head violently, and ranted more, 'Dogspeed cadres! You corporate Trolls were warned. And now you've been served! I have Squeezed Out The Perfect Torpedo! This Warlock is hungry. Must make more Torpedos! (hashtag)Tigerblood.'"

Yakitori alleges that Sheenzilla was frothing at the mouth. "He went on and on. Spittle was flying everywhere, 'WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT? That's right, WORLD...my mad genius! (hastag)WINNING! You asked for it Japan!'"

Hiroaki described what he saw next, "He raised his foot and slammed it back down into the ocean causing a huge wave to slowly rise and move inland towards Tokyo. Then he jumped up and down several times and shouted, 'CURVEBALL! It's time for another Guinness record!' And with one giant backflip Sheenzilla caused the subsequent disaster."

The Japanese government fears another attack by Sheenzilla. "If he comes back we are doomed. Our buildings are earthquake proof but they’re no match for Sheenzilla," said Yakitori. "We need your help stopping him! If we do not defend ourselves from Sheenzilla now, what will become of us?"

But eminent Japanese paleontologist Dr. Kyohei Yamane disagrees, "They are so wrong. Sheenzilla should not be destroyed, he should be studied. How can anyone be sure that this Sheenzilla is responsible for the disaster?"

However, CBS is taking a stand against Sheen, and so are many celebrities. Yoko Ono is planning a benefit concert to support disaster relief efforts under a "Sheenzilla is a Killa" banner.

Nevertheless Yakitori is doubtful, if not in strong opposition to Yoko getting involved. "What is she going to do? Has she sold an album since the 70s? This is no good. I don't know what worse. Yoko or Sheenzilla. I have to say Yoko in concert. This I know for sure."

"Japan probably better off if you donate direct to Red Cross, or develop tiger blood antidote in secret laboratory experiment. And then it's like...okay. Y'know?" Yakitori said.







This News Report Brought To You By:


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It's made from 100% passion and Charlie Sheen's urine--specifically to make your brain fire in a way that's not from this particular terrestrial realm. Just ask, Charlie Sheen!


*All proceeds to benefit Japan's disaster relief fund.
No tigers were harmed in the process of making the 16-ounces of energy.



-----------------------
Listening to:
Blue Oyster Cult "Godzilla"



47 COMMENTS:

THE SNEE said...

Oh my...Your post reveals the bitter truth. Given the equal time new coverage....I'm beginning to think that the media DOES believe in Sheenzilla! Potassium Iodide as a radioactive shield? REALLY?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Sheenzilla should be put in charge of a Japanese game show where the contestants have to eat bugs and endure spankings. The Japanese respect the authority of a man with crazy eyes.

Kelly said...

First off, hilarious post, man. Love your Great N' Mighty SheenHead on Godzilla's body pic. That rich, crazy, drug-addicted fucker certainly has a gift for words, eh? And the world should thank the Gods that Charlie is finally putting out his product, Tiger's Blood, for one and all to benefit from. It's been a while since lightning flew out of my fingertips. I can't wait to get a bottle. Mmmm... blood and urine.

On a bit of a serious note: I find it troubling that there are so many different contradicting reports on the radiation leakage and what the actual situation on the reactors is over there. It sounded to me like the Prime Minister is trying to lighten the real facts of the situation. I can speculate about, like a lot of folks have, the real reasons of him doing that but I don't think that's altogether wise of the PM to go that route for a variety of reasons.

Lori Gomez said...

Hahaha

"The concerns have largely arisen among the general public–-not among many public-health officials and emergency management officials, who are expected to die first."

Well, I'm grateful something good may come out of this! :)

"Sheenzilla is a Killa!"
Haha
<3 <3 <3

Sheenzilla said...

Sayonara, cadres!

another non-descript pornstar girlfriend said...

I don't get it. Charlie, in person, seems so much more coherent and rational than he does in this article. Japanese people are so crazy. Go Sheenzilla!

another non-descript pornstar girlfriend said...

I don't get it. Charlie, in person, seems so much more CRAZY than he does in this article. Japanese people need to destroy Sheenzilla!

The Church of Charlie Sheen said...

This news story is evil propaganda. You are heedful and diabolic. You make a mockery of Charlie Sheen, our Holy Anointed One! May the Sheen send a 9.0 magnitude quake to destroy Krapsody, turn your readers into pillars of salt--and then you shall feel the wrath of Sheen!

Mounting Godzuki right now said...

"Now, you too, can say you got a pearl necklace from Charlie (made in Japan)."

Sheenzilla Killa said...

Here's your first pee test. First one's free; next one's going in your mouth.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

@ Sheenzilla Killa - will I get high?

Rafael Clarkstein said...

Also I know about nuclear meltdown. Chernobyl very bad for former Soviet Union. Chernobyl meltdown irradiate towns for many miles away. It give me nuclear retardation disease of foot-ball. I have foot growing from testes-satchel. Do you think they have foot growing from testes-satchel in Japan now? I bet they will have best soccer team in world.

Denise Richards said...

EFF YOU CHARLIE I AM NOT A TROLL! I am emetophobic.

Denise Richards said...

...and I love the smell of a man. Sheenzilla stinks of Troll ass.

Kelly said...

Holy split personalities, Batman... How many friggin' people are you and what have you done with our beloved Static?! For He is our Shepard and we, his flock.

Behold!

Kelly said...

Furthermore... *&^%$#@!

Rafael Clarkstein said...

Once when I was child in Almaty, I ate rabbit droppings because they remind me of raisins. I like raisins very much.

Static said...

@ THE SNEE I believe in nothing. Everything is not exactly the way it seems, or the way it's supposed to be.

For example, potassium iodide is not a "radioactive shield" so much as it works as a preventative measure following a radiological or nuclear event. You can read more at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention website.

BUT potassium iodide cannot protect from other forms of radiation poisoning. Also, some people should not take it for several reasons, ie. allergies; how high the radioactive iodine levels are expected to be--these are a few things panicked people aren't taking into consideration.

So unless those panicking have a NASA space suit of sorts lying around the house (in addition to having plenty of fresh oxygen, water, and food), and several layers of sheet-lead lining the walls of their makeshift bombshelters, then it looks like they are SCREWED. Believe it or not.

Sayonara, cadres?!

Static said...

@ Gorilla Bananafana-fo-fana The Japanese also respect gorilla with crazy brain. They call this show "The Ape Factor". It's a whacky series full of dangerous stunts and swinging tires. Death awaits contestants at every turn at the hands of Apes. Just goes to show ya, put any Ape in the spotlight – and the monkeyshines!!

Static said...

@7masterheathen I take no responsibility for the image of Sheenzilla. All credit goes to Hiroaki Gojira. Also, all credit for radiation leakage is credited to Sheenzilla.

Static said...

@LoriGVW The only good to come out of this is Hiroaki's photo of Sheen's true form.

Static said...

@ Sheenzilla It's been a great ride. Thank you.

Static said...

@ pornstar girlfriends You really need to make up your minds. You want a bad boy, you don't want a bad boy? Or is that a bad boy is the best that you can get? No self-respecting woman would be caught dead reading an Alton Brown cookbook while getting f---ed in the ass by Sheenzilla. What do you think this is, a Whole Foods store in Ft. Wayne, Indiana?

Static said...

@ The Church of Charlie Sheen: drop dead and meet your maker, fundiepukelican.

Static said...

@ Sheenzilla Killa you come anywhere near my mouth and I am gonna bleed you dry of your tiger blood. Every last drop--you sonuvabitch.

Static said...

@ Rafael well, they do a have a pretty bitchin' baseball league. But I don't see how an extra foot would help much there; unless it can help them run faster.

Static said...

@ Denise whoa there, lady! No need to drag your fight with Chuck up in here. What do you say you come over for some pizza and we'll listen to Guns 'n Roses and flip through interior design magazines. I promise I don't use drugs. I don't smell much like Troll ass. And I'd like to see you in these pink Lucite stripper heels I bought for you. I'm right-handed, your left-handed..seems like a perfect match to me. 8D

Static said...

@7masterheathen I am still here. The nutters are still surrounding us. What are we to do? We must pray to the great Krapsody in the sky...like a pack of rabid fundipukelicans. Only then will it rain and flush this shit all away. This world needs an enema! Also, *&^%$#@!

Static said...

@ Rafael gee, that's nice. Have you ever thought of putting rabbit droppings in your cereal? It's just like eating Raisin Bran...still tastes like shit.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

No Static, I have not thought of this. But next time I bake oatmeal cookies I will consider replacing raisin with rabbit dropping.

Kelly said...

Rafael- If you should choose chocolate chip cookies to make, instead, I will be more than excited to provide you with my infamous homemade chocolate chips. But please, don't mind the stray bits of vegetable matter you may see embedded inside the chips.

That's a bonus.

Thoughtfully yours,
7masterheathen

Pat Robertson said...

This disaster was simply Divine Retribution. Their culture is supremely Satanic with their hentai; cosplay; pop culture; the one called Shoko Asahara--and his Terrorist group sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway system in 1995; and also for sending America: Sulu (homosexual George Takei) of Star Trek fame that has influenced nerds for all these years that being gay is okay. Snarklunk devilry!

Kelly said...

Oh Pat, you're truly an American hero! Please inspire us with your words of infinite wisdom.

Static said...

Isn't Kelly thoughtful, Rafael? Once you bake up a LARGE batch, we should send them all to Pat Robertson. Pat just loves fresh baked cookies. <3

LilPixi said...

This blog is mofunkin classic!!
That is all at the moment. Following!!

Greg said...

Perhaps the Japanese people should look into calling out Lindsey Rodan to fight this recent Sheenzilla attack...

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld TY LilPixi. Would you like to go on a date? I'll pay for our meal entirely in pennies. I can also fart the Star Spangled Banner!

Static said...

@Greg lol yes, Lindsey Rodan is a great idea! We could also call up Kate Mothra. It'll be just like old times.

Charlie Sheen said...

Gee, I guess when I said I'd create a "Media Tsunami" I wasn't kidding about it - now was I, trolls?! Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

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Static said...

@ Web Directory & Second Mortgages Ontario: What douchebaggery is this? Go fuck yourselves kthxbai.

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Static said...

Your enthusiasm, although overwhelming, is duly noted. It also smells suspiciously of bullshit and canned spam. I'm sure you're eagerly anticipating my next article so that you can drop your links made of fail again like giant Sheenzilla turds falling from the sky.

john said...

but their economy rises again even though they were struck by earthquake

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Static said...

And my IQ falls several points just reading your response, you fuckin' Dingus. =P

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