Q & A With the Easter Bunny

Jenny: So who is the Easter Bunny, really?

Easter Bunny: I am a part-time test subject for Revlon and I moonlight in the entertainment industry. Maybe you've seen my work in Peter Rabbit, Looney Tunes, and the Cadbury Egg commercial advertisements? I like to talk about myself in third person. Every year near Easter, I preach the words of Jesus and warn children of atheists not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them. After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted, but only to the pious for $5. My neighbors describe me as "a quiet loner." The rotting corpse of the Energizer Bunny was recently discovered in the Easter Bunny's crawl space. Christ Jebus! Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body. On that note, I have to go now.

p.s. Cadbury Eggs are made from feces of C-list celebrities.



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Adolfo: So who wants to go hunting for colorful Easter eggs?

Easter Bunny: Hey, I dunno. But who wants to go hunting for colorful Easter grenades?


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Esther: Can the whole family participate in Easter?

Easter Bunny: YES, Esther! Easter can even be fun for the elderly! Alzheimer's Advantage: You can hide your own Easter eggs. Bonus points if you find your glasses. Have I got a question for you! What's invisible and smells like carrots? The Ether Bunny.


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Buster: What's the real meaning behind Easter?

Easter Bunny: Ardent devotees of this sacred holiday consume up to 1 and 1/2 times their body weight in chocolate in a futile attempt to understand the suffering of their messiah, Pat Robertson. (sigh) Irony.


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Gerry: What should i get the little ones for Easter this year? I am looking for something unique.

Easter Bunny: I hope you weren't thinking of getting a giant Easter Bunny pinata for your kids this year. That's demented. What is a unique Easter gift? That's easy. Introducing the Do-It-Yourself Easter Kit - 2 boards, 3 nails, and a martyr! Any martyr will do. I heard Muammar Gaddafi is free.


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Timmy: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Easter Bunny: Well boys and girls, I don't want your parents to know that I'm fooling around with the chickens. Bow Chicka Wow Wow!


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Fred: The Easter Bunny seems outdated. We need a new holiday mascot. What could that be, and what would it look like?

Easter Bunny: What a coincidence! Next year the Easter Bunny is thinking about changing his image. Whaddya think?


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Raging_Atheist: You would think that by now science would have found a cure for the greatest ill we have ever known, Religion!

Easter Bunny: Funny you mention that. Easter was recently attacked by historical revisionists demanding that we celebrate the inability of the ancient Romans to properly execute Jesus. It seems there is no reasoning with some people. Frankly, it's all in the HAM. HAM is a cure all. Learn it, bitch. Unless you want to contract this deadly disease. Fun irrelevant factoid: communion wine is really just sweat from the Pope's underwear and socks squeezed into a jug every day. Consuming it has been known to cure individuality.


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God: SAVE ME JEBUS !!!

Easter Bunny: Have you eaten at least three servings of HAM today? Unless you have, then you will not be saved. Amen. FYI: this tree was not here last year. Please take care of it. Thank you.



***The Easter Bunny was also quite enthusiastic to respond to questions regarding a Yahoo! news article concerning the fixed date(s) of Easter celebration.***


Bob: So why are we celebrating Easter on April 24th this year? Doesn't make any sense to me.

Easter Bunny: Well, Bob, because HAM doesn't go on sale until April 24th. Pig farmers could not have them ready any sooner for slaughter. This has led to chain stores, such as Walmart, delaying Easter. Sad face :(


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Shelly: ok so I'm confused....the article said the last supper was wednesday right? due to the calender differences....and his arrest and torture actually took longer, it was the whole day of thursday, then crucified still on friday right? so how does this at all mess up the time frame of what day Easter actually fell on?

Easter Bunny: Good point. I suggest consulting and consuming some HAM and pondering this question. Maybe then you shall find the answers you seek.


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Dave: The death, burial, and ressurection. The Gospel. Don't worry about when, just be thankful HE did it. Isn't it a blessing to see so many people who believe the truth of our LORD? And to the rest of you - repent or burn in a fiery Hell!

Easter Bunny: What did who do? Oh, that's right. Just remember Jesus died for your sins...such as judging people.


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Frieda: We can't remember what happened last week. This happened 2011 years ago so how accurate can the date could be?

Easter Bunny: Did it happen 2,011 years ago..or were they going by a different calender back then?


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The Sheeshter: It doesn't really matter the dates, it's the reason and that is Jesus died on that cross and ssacrificed his life for our sins so we could be forgiven and seen as worthy in God's eyes. and why are scientist debating when it happpened when they dont even believed it actually happened and when their theory is the earth jus appeared big bang theory. I wish they would focus on other things like focusing on cures for diseases, or stop experimenting and creating things that's increasing death in human lives. sheesh!

Easter Bunny: B-b-but those are dddifferent sscientists that you are rrreferrring to! For instance, did you know some scientists dedicate their lives to different areas of study, such as human overpopulation or biblical history? That does not necessarily mean that they don't believe in the bible in all circumstances. Nor do all scientists try to disprove the holiest of holy books (it's pretty holey, by the way. It's been dropped, used as a door stop, and a paperweight, and then there's the whole book burning thing, and those NRA members who got too drunk and accidentally used it for target practice). BUT there is still some debate amongst scholars about the validity of biblical history. This is just one "expert" who has pointed out an explanation for an alleged inconsistency...and it's in Yahoo! news..so we can all assume it's b.s. because there is only one anointed (glazed) HAM that we should be wwworshippping! Drop to thy knees, heathen!



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Not a scientist: So Mr. Scientist, please explain how Jesus was dead for 3 days and 3 nights?

Easter Bunny: The secret is in the HAM. HAM has a shelf life of at least 3 days and 3 nights..it's chock full of vitamins and preservatives - just like Jesus. Everyone who's not a scientist agrees.


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Pagan 'n proud: It doesn't really matter what day it was, Easter is apart of a pagan holiday influencing fertility, hence, the bunny and the eggs. Therefore it is not a proper way to celebrate Christ's death. Who do you people think you are?!

Easter Bunny: Amen. But there is one thing you forgot, you little sniveling shit monkey. We need more HAM to celebrate properly! p.s. If you do not celebrate Easter, you will be mocked profusely for your minimalistic religion.


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Scholarly dude: Professor Colin Humphreys has his degree in Materials Science and Metallurgy. How does that give any scientific credence to his claims? No scientist would put his/her name to a document stating when a hypothetical character had dinner. Oh yeah, Mickey Mouse had his fifty seventh meal at Denny's on Oct 23, 1883, really scientific. Horse feathers!!!

Easter Bunny: That's nice. But he had HAM, naturally this makes him an expert on all things. Doesn't it?


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Fefifofum: The Last Supper is a painting of a Fable. Colin Humphreys is no more a scientist, than the Easter Bunny. Right?

Easter Bunny: But the Easter Bunny is a scientist...of studying, concocting, and delivering perfectly painted eggs and chocolaty treats. Surely this makes me an expert on all things.


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Sitting Bullshit: I'm native american and I believe in christ, it does not matter what led up to his death but that he died for our sins. Why don't you?

Easter Bunny: Does it not matter that the people who brought you Christ nearly eradicated your people? Maybe the ones who were "true believers" (no such thing in reality) were not entirely responsible, but then the murdering thieves came from the culture that you believe in now. And the missionaries that followed the systematic genocide of the Trail of Tears and the Ghost Dance of 1890 came to convert nonbelievers and take your children away to boarding schools against their will, and the will of their parents, so that they could be "civilized" (just another way of calling them savages) and turn them into something they were not: WHITE. They used their idea of social Darwinism, granted to the White man by their God, they then also took away your lands, your heritage, your languages, your laws, your freedoms. Yes, very compassionate is their idea of Christ. Therefore it could be assumed according to the White man's own beliefs, Jesus did not die for the Native American's sins...but for the sins White man committed against the Native American. And as for the ones who did commit those sins against your people, may they burn in Hell without HAM for eternity.


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Glenn Beck: I LOVE JESUS NO MATTER WHAT THE TIMING...I DO KNOW THIS HE IS COMING SOON AND THAT IS NOT A JOKE OR LIE.....GET READY WORLD....MANY HAVE SAID THIS BUT THE SIGNS ARE BEING FILLED DAILY AND WELL IT'S REAL FOLKS. CHOOSE WHOM YOU WILL SERVE...ONLY 1 MASTER WILL GET YOU TO HEAVEN AND FOR ETERNITY, HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST!!!!! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT THIS IS A HOAX OR LIE WHEN THE TRUTH IS BEFORE YOU EVERY DAY... READ THE BIBLE AND SEE FOR YOURSELVES THAT THE PROPHETIC SIGNS ARE PASSING BY US AND QUICKLY....THE OIL FOUND IN ISRAEL PUTS US EVEN CLOSER TO HIS COMING... READ THE BIBLE...I'M NOT FOOLING AROUND....GUESS THEY ARE FREE OF ISLAMIC OIL NOW....THEY WILL NOW BECOME A MAJOR OIL AND NATURAL GAS SUPPLIER TO THE WORLD AND MOST LIKELY LESS THAN $200 A BARREL(OIL)....THEY HAVE DETERMINED THAT IT WILL EXCEED 250 BILLION BARRELS...WOW AND SWEET OIL...SHALE OIL....WONDER IF OUR GREAT LEADER WILL RECOGNIZE AND TREAT ISRAEL WITH RESPECT NOW?

Easter Bunny: It is not the petroleum that frees them. It is the HAM that liberates us all. All hail, HAM! Y'know, I used to believe in all kinds of things. Silly things such as if you fart into wool socks you can make cotton candy. And more important things, like I used to think Rush Limbaugh was the world's largest buttplug. And then I thought it was Glenn Beck. But now I think it's a toss up between Bill O'Reilly, Newt Gingrich, and Rep. Paul Ryan for the official title of the world's largest buttplug. But what do I know. I'm just a character depicted as a rabbit bringing eggs to ignorant people's spoiled kids.


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BeatingU: "Professor Colin Humphreys, a scientist at the University of Cambridge, believes it is all due to a calendar mix-up"

No true scientist should believe this fairytale - strip him of his title!

Easter Bunny: He is a scientist who doesn't believe in the miracles of HAM or the Easter Bunny. May he be condemned to 24/7 Google search results of photos of Santa Claus' butt crack and a world devoid of HAM (a world of TURKEY) forever and ever. Amen.


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Quandell: All I can say is Know Jesus and you know love. Love is all ya need! Praise Black Jesus. What more do you need?

Easter Bunny: Praise Black Forest HAM. Because I need it.


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Carl Sagan: Proof that every religion is a fictitious fabrication of man's imagination. Yet, every Sunday our local churches have thousands flocking into its pews going through the ridiculous motions. And pastors and preachers on cable tv become multi-millionaires from your donations. All beliefs in superstitions and religions should be banned. It is a sign of man's inferiority complex and not being able to deal with the fact there's no one else out there (that can help us anyway) but us. We are the ones who create our reality. Is everybody with me?


Easter Bunny: I believe your very statements are in the gospel of HAM. Praise almighty HAM. Fun fact - the Easter Bunny was at the forefront of the Crusades of the 1500's, raping and pillaging wherever I happened to be. I was a maneater. I was unstoppable. How's that for non-fiction and Infinite Regression?


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Glenn Beck: IT DOSEN'T MATTER WHEN IT WAS! TRUST AND BELEVIE THAT HE IS COMING BACK AND VERY SOON I MUST ADD!!!!!!

Easter Bunny: Seriously, dude? Again? Alright, let me explain it very simply so your little brain will comprehend; How soon Jesus comes back is to be determined, and it depends upon which calendar he's following, I must add. It's quite possible that he forgot to set his alarm clock again and has overslept. Which would be entirely all your fault. Now we'll never know the pleasures of HAM for more than a day. Thanks, Glenn!




Brought to you by HAM!




Anybody want some HAM? I mean, symbolically, it's the body of Christ. Worship the Almighty HAM! It doesn't matter what day you do it either...too busy with springtime shopping, yard work, and taxes??! You can worship HAM any day of the year and it still has the same meaning!! It's the solemnity of the Passion of the HAM that's important! You can thumb it down, but you can't deny the truth. Eat ham. It is the only way to salvation. I have accepted HAM as my personal savior...because I was starving. And so should you.



You can find the Easter Bunny on Twitter.

21 Comments:

Lawrie Tatum said...

The Comanche were murderous savages who tortured and killed Mexican and American farmers who posed no threat to them whatever. And they almost carved a tattoo on my bald head. Fuck you, Easter Bunny.

Static said...

Your ignorant statements are based on the common misperception that Native Americans were the aggressors, not that they defended themselves against aggression. The Comanche like all Native Americans were displaced by the White man leading up to events you referred to. They raided and defended themselves against murderous imperialist dogs who stole their lands, raped and killed their women and children, and slaughtered their source of sustenance - the buffalo.

The Comanche, like many other tribes, sought to maintain their independence and their territory - what little they had left after farmers and other colonials pushed them to warfare. Legislature in the Republic of Texas (the Whites) refused to acknowledge the Comanche's boundary (nor the boundaries of Mexico) and tried to make the Comanche move to reservations. In similar ways they treated Mexicans no differently - pitting all involved against each other. Eventually, the Comanche agreed to a peace treaty with the City of Fredericksburg, Texas. Both sides honored the treaty for over a century and a half into the present day, making it one of few unbroken treaties. So they were not simply murderous savages, they were capable of peace when their wishes were reasonably respected. Regardless they were decimated by disease and famine until they surrendered just like all the rest.

But let me ask you, if we were invaded by another imperialist culture today, what would be your first instinct? Have you ever seen "Inglourious Basterds"? Y'know when they carved swastikas into the foreheads of Nazis? I believe it was to mark them as offenders against humanity, to separate them from others as murderous savages. Were you a murderous savage carrying out systematic genocide who thought you could take anything you wanted with a smile on your face? Or did you simply support the positions of those that did? Do you see any odd similarities here? Probably not, because you haven't learned a thing about mankind from history. Therefore you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

In either case, up yours. May the Easter Bunny rip you a new one, crucify you on the nearest tree, and decorate it with your entrails. Happy Easter, Pot-ta-wat Pervo.

THE SNEE said...

Easter Bunny, Is that why Ham isn't Kosher? All this time I thought it had something to do with cloven hooves. Now I'm an Easter basket-case. Too much Cadbury chocolate you suppose?

Kelly said...

I was there that day when Pat Robertson died for our sins. He was holding a big chunk of HAM between his legs. He was kind enough to anoint the ham with his own special holy glaze. And then he hopped off the cross, drank a lot of 'shine and took a nap in a little cave. Three days later, he rose again and Glenn Beck, one of his more faithful apostles, was there and was kind enough to give him a blow job. And then the true messiah, Pat Robertson, cut a mighty fart and ascended into heaven to be with Jebus and the Little Rascals.

And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Easter. Well, that and HAM.

Static said...

SNEE, according to the gospel of HAM, Jebus was not Kosher - he was a false prophet amongst many who all proclaimed that the powers of HAM would save all humanity from the anti-Christ, Stephen Hawking. Put that fûç¿îñÿ Cadbury shit down and repent now! Before heaven closes it's gates, because there's not enough HAM to feed everyonez!

Static said...

Silly Jebus, HAM will not save all humanity, because there are many who don't believe in the power of HAM and so they do not consume it's deliciousy juiciness. Heathens!

Static said...

Kelly, is Glenn Beck available tonite? I really need a blowjob before I fart and ascend to heaven (HAM haven).

Greg said...

All hail Ham?

I do not like dead Christ and ham I I do Not like them Static i am...

Our love of Ham started with Noah, when he begat Shem, Ham and Japhet...

Ham begat oh the pig..many children including Pat Robertson and Glenn Beck.

Static said...

All hail HAM, Static I am.
Our love and hate of HAM began with Genesis. Sodomy, castration, or just a kiss? Blessed be HAM. Damned be Canaan. The Curse of HAM began with the Ages of Middle indeed. Noah begat many many children like Larry, Moe, Curly, and Shemp....and according to Darwin: Chimpanzee. Hail Mary, full of grease. RAmen.

Glenn Beck said...

If you look at me in just the right light, I slightly resemble a baked ham.

Voltaire (aka François-Marie Arouet) said...

Mes amis, I must contend zat Jambon de Paris ist ze best ham ever! Americain honey glazed ham ist - c'est de la merde.

Moses said...

Since I am now a c-list celebrity who cannot even get a gig on a reality TV show, I'll work for food. HAM in particular. Blessed is HAM.

Uri Geller said...

Meshugeneh. Ham is 1000% not kosher, man. Duh! And for the last time, Jesus was given his miraculous gifts by aliens-just like me. Now I gotta go bend some spoons with the power of my brilliant quantum paranormal Houdini-like mind and shit. Later (Salamat).

MEasterBunny the Easter Bunny (duh, who else?) said...

Hahaha, funniest fuckin' shit evar! Fun fact: Pokémon Kadabra is an unauthorized parody of myself. BOOM! I just exploded your brains with my psychic powers. Alakazam, bastards.

Liza Minnelli said...

BALLZ TO YOU!

Kanye West and Jay-Z said...

Yo, Easter Bunny, Imma let you finish, but me and Jay-Z's "H.A.M." is the best HAM of all time. Of all time!

LilPixi said...

And then I died - "if you fart into wool socks you can make cotton candy."

Why the fuck do I suddenly want ham so badly?

LIZA!! *Waves

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld Few can resist the temptation of HAM, except for Uri Geller & Liza Minnelli. But even Liza likes pork 'n BALLZ occasionally.

The Trix Rabbit said...

I wanna meet the Easter bunny so I can punch him in the face.

Historian said...

"They raided and defended themselves against murderous imperialist dogs who stole their lands"

Sorry to interrupt your speech, but this is factually incorrect. The traditional lands of the Comanche were hundreds of miles to the north of Texas. After the arrival of the horse to America, they migrated to Texas and conquered new territory from the Apache, which explains the long history of warfare between the two tribes.

Static said...

@ Historian You weren't interrupting, since my "speech" was finished. So no offense taken. But your response was a bit vague, and if I may correct you, you are probably referring to the Shoshone and their "traditional lands", the Upper Platte in Wyoming which is "hundreds of miles to the north of Texas". It is largely unknown why the Comanche (who never officially considered themselves a nation or a tribe), broke away from the Shoshone and migrated south towards the southern Great Plains. One reason may have been that they were in search of better hunting grounds with less competition.

I do not dispute that they raided for commodities such as horses, or that they fought with other neighboring tribes such as the Apache in Texas, eventually driving them out. You cannot forget that Spanish sovereignity played a huge part in all of this, such as disruption of trade between tribes, etc. Comanches may have been hostile and aggressive migrants, but so were many other Plains Indians. In your speech, you appear to have overlooked these points. But then again, most Native cultures were often mistaken for one another by ignorant Anglos who mostly considered their ethnicities as being the same, and often still do today. Making it easier for Anglos to single out those fitting their ideas of "hostile Indians".

My main point, aside from the differences or squabbles between Plains tribes, was that when Anglo and Mexican governments and their settlers battled over Spanish land grants, they did not respect the Comanche or Comancheria territory. In fact the Mexican government often broke agreements with the Comanche, and the Anglo government (the Republic of Texas) invaded and waged war against them on the premise that they were an annoyance and impediment to settlement. Treaties were ignored by Anglos and Comanche alike, but the Comanche boundary was open game for settlement to Anglos, ultimately leading up to the Comanche defending themselves and their boundaries until they were defeated.

What was your point again? Oh yes: being factually correct. For someone who claims they are a historian, it seems you were factually incorrect in your remarks since you omitted quite a bit of background and history there. But thanks for your input all the same.

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