Jenny: So who is the Easter Bunny, really?
Easter Bunny: I am a part-time test subject for Revlon and I moonlight in the entertainment industry. Maybe you've seen my work in Peter Rabbit, Looney Tunes, and the Cadbury Egg commercial advertisements? I like to talk about myself in third person. Every year near Easter, I preach the words of Jesus and warn children of atheists not to meddle in theology that doesn't belong to them. After these sermons, photo opportunities are generally granted, but only to the pious for $5. My neighbors describe me as "a quiet loner." The rotting corpse of the Energizer Bunny was recently discovered in the Easter Bunny's crawl space. Christ Jebus! Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body. On that note, I have to go now.
Adolfo: So who wants to go hunting for colorful Easter eggs?
Easter Bunny: Hey, I dunno. But who wants to go hunting for colorful Easter grenades?
Esther: Can the whole family participate in Easter?
Easter Bunny: YES, Esther! Easter can even be fun for the elderly! Alzheimer's Advantage: You can hide your own Easter eggs. Bonus points if you find your glasses. Have I got a question for you! What's invisible and smells like carrots? The Ether Bunny.
Buster: What's the real meaning behind Easter?
Easter Bunny: Ardent devotees of this sacred holiday consume up to 1 and 1/2 times their body weight in chocolate in a futile attempt to understand the suffering of their messiah, Pat Robertson. (sigh) Irony.
Gerry: What should i get the little ones for Easter this year? I am looking for something unique.
Easter Bunny: I hope you weren't thinking of getting a giant Easter Bunny pinata for your kids this year. That's demented. What is a unique Easter gift? That's easy. Introducing the Do-It-Yourself Easter Kit - 2 boards, 3 nails, and a martyr! Any martyr will do. I heard Muammar Gaddafi is free.
Timmy: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Easter Bunny: Well boys and girls, I don't want your parents to know that I'm fooling around with the chickens. Bow Chicka Wow Wow!
Fred: The Easter Bunny seems outdated. We need a new holiday mascot. What could that be, and what would it look like?
Easter Bunny: What a coincidence! Next year the Easter Bunny is thinking about changing his image. Whaddya think?
Raging_Atheist: You would think that by now science would have found a cure for the greatest ill we have ever known, Religion!
Easter Bunny: Funny you mention that. Easter was recently attacked by historical revisionists demanding that we celebrate the inability of the ancient Romans to properly execute Jesus. It seems there is no reasoning with some people. Frankly, it's all in the HAM. HAM is a cure all. Learn it, bitch. Unless you want to contract this deadly disease. Fun irrelevant factoid: communion wine is really just sweat from the Pope's underwear and socks squeezed into a jug every day. Consuming it has been known to cure individuality.
God: SAVE ME JEBUS !!!
Easter Bunny: Have you eaten at least three servings of HAM today? Unless you have, then you will not be saved. Amen. FYI: this tree was not here last year. Please take care of it. Thank you.
***The Easter Bunny was also quite enthusiastic to respond to questions regarding a Yahoo! news article concerning the fixed date(s) of Easter celebration.***
Bob: So why are we celebrating Easter on April 24th this year? Doesn't make any sense to me.
Easter Bunny: Well, Bob, because HAM doesn't go on sale until April 24th. Pig farmers could not have them ready any sooner for slaughter. This has led to chain stores, such as Walmart, delaying Easter. Sad face :(
Shelly: ok so I'm confused....the article said the last supper was wednesday right? due to the calender differences....and his arrest and torture actually took longer, it was the whole day of thursday, then crucified still on friday right? so how does this at all mess up the time frame of what day Easter actually fell on?
Easter Bunny: Good point. I suggest consulting and consuming some HAM and pondering this question. Maybe then you shall find the answers you seek.
Dave: The death, burial, and ressurection. The Gospel. Don't worry about when, just be thankful HE did it. Isn't it a blessing to see so many people who believe the truth of our LORD? And to the rest of you - repent or burn in a fiery Hell!
Easter Bunny: What did who do? Oh, that's right. Just remember Jesus died for your sins...such as judging people.
Frieda: We can't remember what happened last week. This happened 2011 years ago so how accurate can the date could be?
Easter Bunny: Did it happen 2,011 years ago..or were they going by a different calender back then?
The Sheeshter: It doesn't really matter the dates, it's the reason and that is Jesus died on that cross and ssacrificed his life for our sins so we could be forgiven and seen as worthy in God's eyes. and why are scientist debating when it happpened when they dont even believed it actually happened and when their theory is the earth jus appeared big bang theory. I wish they would focus on other things like focusing on cures for diseases, or stop experimenting and creating things that's increasing death in human lives. sheesh!
Easter Bunny: B-b-but those are dddifferent sscientists that you are rrreferrring to! For instance, did you know some scientists dedicate their lives to different areas of study, such as human overpopulation or biblical history? That does not necessarily mean that they don't believe in the bible in all circumstances. Nor do all scientists try to disprove the holiest of holy books (it's pretty holey, by the way. It's been dropped, used as a door stop, and a paperweight, and then there's the whole book burning thing, and those NRA members who got too drunk and accidentally used it for target practice). BUT there is still some debate amongst scholars about the validity of biblical history. This is just one "expert" who has pointed out an explanation for an alleged inconsistency...and it's in Yahoo! news..so we can all assume it's b.s. because there is only one anointed (glazed) HAM that we should be wwworshippping! Drop to thy knees, heathen!
Not a scientist: So Mr. Scientist, please explain how Jesus was dead for 3 days and 3 nights?
Easter Bunny: The secret is in the HAM. HAM has a shelf life of at least 3 days and 3 nights..it's chock full of vitamins and preservatives - just like Jesus. Everyone who's not a scientist agrees.
Pagan 'n proud: It doesn't really matter what day it was, Easter is apart of a pagan holiday influencing fertility, hence, the bunny and the eggs. Therefore it is not a proper way to celebrate Christ's death. Who do you people think you are?!
Easter Bunny: Amen. But there is one thing you forgot, you little sniveling shit monkey. We need more HAM to celebrate properly! p.s. If you do not celebrate Easter, you will be mocked profusely for your minimalistic religion.
Scholarly dude: Professor Colin Humphreys has his degree in Materials Science and Metallurgy. How does that give any scientific credence to his claims? No scientist would put his/her name to a document stating when a hypothetical character had dinner. Oh yeah, Mickey Mouse had his fifty seventh meal at Denny's on Oct 23, 1883, really scientific. Horse feathers!!!
Easter Bunny: That's nice. But he had HAM, naturally this makes him an expert on all things. Doesn't it?
Fefifofum: The Last Supper is a painting of a Fable. Colin Humphreys is no more a scientist, than the Easter Bunny. Right?
Easter Bunny: But the Easter Bunny is a scientist...of studying, concocting, and delivering perfectly painted eggs and chocolaty treats. Surely this makes me an expert on all things.
Sitting Bullshit: I'm native american and I believe in christ, it does not matter what led up to his death but that he died for our sins. Why don't you?
Easter Bunny: Does it not matter that the people who brought you Christ nearly eradicated your people? Maybe the ones who were "true believers" (no such thing in reality) were not entirely responsible, but then the murdering thieves came from the culture that you believe in now. And the missionaries that followed the systematic genocide of the Trail of Tears and the Ghost Dance of 1890 came to convert nonbelievers and take your children away to boarding schools against their will, and the will of their parents, so that they could be "civilized" (just another way of calling them savages) and turn them into something they were not: WHITE. They used their idea of social Darwinism, granted to the White man by their God, they then also took away your lands, your heritage, your languages, your laws, your freedoms. Yes, very compassionate is their idea of Christ. Therefore it could be assumed according to the White man's own beliefs, Jesus did not die for the Native American's sins...but for the sins White man committed against the Native American. And as for the ones who did commit those sins against your people, may they burn in Hell without HAM for eternity.
Glenn Beck: I LOVE JESUS NO MATTER WHAT THE TIMING...I DO KNOW THIS HE IS COMING SOON AND THAT IS NOT A JOKE OR LIE.....GET READY WORLD....MANY HAVE SAID THIS BUT THE SIGNS ARE BEING FILLED DAILY AND WELL IT'S REAL FOLKS. CHOOSE WHOM YOU WILL SERVE...ONLY 1 MASTER WILL GET YOU TO HEAVEN AND FOR ETERNITY, HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST!!!!! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT THIS IS A HOAX OR LIE WHEN THE TRUTH IS BEFORE YOU EVERY DAY... READ THE BIBLE AND SEE FOR YOURSELVES THAT THE PROPHETIC SIGNS ARE PASSING BY US AND QUICKLY....THE OIL FOUND IN ISRAEL PUTS US EVEN CLOSER TO HIS COMING... READ THE BIBLE...I'M NOT FOOLING AROUND....GUESS THEY ARE FREE OF ISLAMIC OIL NOW....THEY WILL NOW BECOME A MAJOR OIL AND NATURAL GAS SUPPLIER TO THE WORLD AND MOST LIKELY LESS THAN $200 A BARREL(OIL)....THEY HAVE DETERMINED THAT IT WILL EXCEED 250 BILLION BARRELS...WOW AND SWEET OIL...SHALE OIL....WONDER IF OUR GREAT LEADER WILL RECOGNIZE AND TREAT ISRAEL WITH RESPECT NOW?
Easter Bunny: It is not the petroleum that frees them. It is the HAM that liberates us all. All hail, HAM! Y'know, I used to believe in all kinds of things. Silly things such as if you fart into wool socks you can make cotton candy. And more important things, like I used to think Rush Limbaugh was the world's largest buttplug. And then I thought it was Glenn Beck. But now I think it's a toss up between Bill O'Reilly, Newt Gingrich, and Rep. Paul Ryan for the official title of the world's largest buttplug. But what do I know. I'm just a character depicted as a rabbit bringing eggs to ignorant people's spoiled kids.
BeatingU: "Professor Colin Humphreys, a scientist at the University of Cambridge, believes it is all due to a calendar mix-up"
No true scientist should believe this fairytale - strip him of his title!
Easter Bunny: He is a scientist who doesn't believe in the miracles of HAM or the Easter Bunny. May he be condemned to 24/7 Google search results of photos of Santa Claus' butt crack and a world devoid of HAM (a world of TURKEY) forever and ever. Amen.
Quandell: All I can say is Know Jesus and you know love. Love is all ya need! Praise Black Jesus. What more do you need?
Easter Bunny: Praise Black Forest HAM. Because I need it.
Carl Sagan: Proof that every religion is a fictitious fabrication of man's imagination. Yet, every Sunday our local churches have thousands flocking into its pews going through the ridiculous motions. And pastors and preachers on cable tv become multi-millionaires from your donations. All beliefs in superstitions and religions should be banned. It is a sign of man's inferiority complex and not being able to deal with the fact there's no one else out there (that can help us anyway) but us. We are the ones who create our reality. Is everybody with me?
Easter Bunny: I believe your very statements are in the gospel of HAM. Praise almighty HAM. Fun fact - the Easter Bunny was at the forefront of the Crusades of the 1500's, raping and pillaging wherever I happened to be. I was a maneater. I was unstoppable. How's that for non-fiction and Infinite Regression?
Glenn Beck: IT DOSEN'T MATTER WHEN IT WAS! TRUST AND BELEVIE THAT HE IS COMING BACK AND VERY SOON I MUST ADD!!!!!!
Easter Bunny: Seriously, dude? Again? Alright, let me explain it very simply so your little brain will comprehend; How soon Jesus comes back is to be determined, and it depends upon which calendar he's following, I must add. It's quite possible that he forgot to set his alarm clock again and has overslept. Which would be entirely all your fault. Now we'll never know the pleasures of HAM for more than a day. Thanks, Glenn!
Anybody want some HAM? I mean, symbolically, it's the body of Christ. Worship the Almighty HAM! It doesn't matter what day you do it either...too busy with springtime shopping, yard work, and taxes??! You can worship HAM any day of the year and it still has the same meaning!! It's the solemnity of the Passion of the HAM that's important! You can thumb it down, but you can't deny the truth. Eat ham. It is the only way to salvation. I have accepted HAM as my personal savior...because I was starving. And so should you.
You can find the Easter Bunny on Twitter.