The Rapture. Tomorrow. Be there or be square. OR don't...it just means more virgins for me, or whatever we get in Heaven. It's Heaven, after all. I am sure you can practically get just about anything you want there. Fried Twinkies drowned in hot fudge on top of a pepperoni pizza wrapped inside of a beef and bean burrito smothered in green salsa stuffed inside of a rack of barbequed spare ribs doused with maple syrup surrounded by a garnish of chocolate truffles dipped in bullcrap. No? I guess it's just me then.
In any event, to make a long story short, all day I've been hearing about and was subjected to some lengthy reading that revealed to me that tomorrow is Official Judgment Day, and seeings as I am a bit short on repentance - at least I think I am (it gets a bit spotty after I've had a few beers at the end of the day) - apparently, I have some heavy repenting to do, in - oh, I dunno...roughly 2 hours, 35 minutes, and 10 seconds.
That's a lot to take in and carry out in that amount of time. So I'm sitting here self-flagellating with a tube sock soaked in malt liquor (Schlitz, because only the finest will do) saying my Hail Marys when all of a sudden I am struck with one of those Aha moments - a moment of clarity - Oh what do you call it...a revelation. An epiphany, of sorts, if you will.
And I was awestruck, or dumb-struck, by this alleged Rapture, that to my dismay all of a sudden is occurring tomorrow. If you are like me this news was rather startling. Where was I when this information was being distributed, because I certainly missed the memo!
Frankly, I may have been riding the fence a little too long on this issue and it's high time I picked a side. I made the decision to invest my final moments in absorbing what the inevitable outcome of life is, and came to the conclusion that death really sucks. I am not ready to die! 24 hours is just not enough notice.
Why, I recently came into a modest but sizable inheritance and purchased an iPhone. I learned how to use my opposable thumbs in ways I never thought imaginable on it's smart keyboard.
I even went as far as to purchase tickets to "Pirates of the Caribbean IV: On Stranger Tides" in advance, knowing full well that the franchise's third installment, "At World's End," had the worst reviews of the series to date, and so a fourth could only bury the cutlass up to the hilt in disastrous 3-D magic. I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd kiss $20 goodbye. But, alas, all for very different reasons. As if seeing a flop on the big screen wasn't bad enough.
Despite all of this, I thought that everyone else who has either been ignoring The Rapture or riding the fence about it should just be condemned with all the rest of the sinners too. But then I was struck with this eye-opening divulgement, and was compelled by the power of Zeitgeist.
So, I started reading this Judgment Day webpage like a madman, wanting to know-all and perhaps after many minutes of repenting for all my sins, secure or even bribe a place in Heaven for myself.
After getting through the first sentence without so much as a guffaw - and then reading this: "The Bible gives us the correct and accurate information about that Day," realizing how inaccurate that statement was, I was strangely compelled to read on, fascinated by the illogicality staring me in the face.
I then tried to make sense of this next remark: "Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17th day of the 2nd month, in the year 4990 B.C." And I realized, my gosh, AMAZINGLY I've been duped into reading more of this hogwash yet again!
But I couldn't stop myself as I continued to read on and found myself stumped by another improbability: "Nevertheless, the Bible assures us that many of the people who do beg God for His mercy will not be destroyed. We learn from the Bible that Holy God plans to rescue about 200 million people (that is about 3% of today’s population)."
So in other words, even IF you or I repent now, there is no guarantee that either of us will be met with God's mercy and he'll magically whisk us away to Heaven and spare our lives from the impending destruction of everything. Is it me, or does God's public relations and marketing team suck miserably at their promotions?
God: "Oh, I am very sorry. You did not repent soon enough. Your number is up."
Glenn Beck: "But I took a number and had a seat as the sign stated, oh great Almighty God! And that number was 666!"
Too bad. If only he did go one way and I went the other that would be one less asshole down here or there to contend with. See you on the other side. Or not. I guess we will find out tomorrow. Until then, good bye cruel world.