Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History II

The Rapture. Tomorrow. Be there or be square. OR don't...it just means more virgins for me, or whatever we get in Heaven. It's Heaven, after all. I am sure you can practically get just about anything you want there. Fried Twinkies drowned in hot fudge on top of a pepperoni pizza wrapped inside of a beef and bean burrito smothered in green salsa stuffed inside of a rack of barbequed spare ribs doused with maple syrup surrounded by a garnish of chocolate truffles dipped in bullcrap. No? I guess it's just me then.

In any event, to make a long story short, all day I've been hearing about and was subjected to some lengthy reading that revealed to me that tomorrow is Official Judgment Day, and seeings as I am a bit short on repentance - at least I think I am (it gets a bit spotty after I've had a few beers at the end of the day) - apparently, I have some heavy repenting to do, in - oh, I dunno...roughly 2 hours, 35 minutes, and 10 seconds.

That's a lot to take in and carry out in that amount of time. So I'm sitting here self-flagellating with a tube sock soaked in malt liquor (Schlitz, because only the finest will do) saying my Hail Marys when all of a sudden I am struck with one of those Aha moments - a moment of clarity - Oh what do you call it...a revelation. An epiphany, of sorts, if you will.

And I was awestruck, or dumb-struck, by this alleged Rapture, that to my dismay all of a sudden is occurring tomorrow. If you are like me this news was rather startling. Where was I when this information was being distributed, because I certainly missed the memo!

Frankly, I may have been riding the fence a little too long on this issue and it's high time I picked a side. I made the decision to invest my final moments in absorbing what the inevitable outcome of life is, and came to the conclusion that death really sucks. I am not ready to die! 24 hours is just not enough notice.

Why, I recently came into a modest but sizable inheritance and purchased an iPhone. I learned how to use my opposable thumbs in ways I never thought imaginable on it's smart keyboard.

I even went as far as to purchase tickets to "Pirates of the Caribbean IV: On Stranger Tides" in advance, knowing full well that the franchise's third installment, "At World's End," had the worst reviews of the series to date, and so a fourth could only bury the cutlass up to the hilt in disastrous 3-D magic. I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd kiss $20 goodbye. But, alas, all for very different reasons. As if seeing a flop on the big screen wasn't bad enough.

Despite all of this, I thought that everyone else who has either been ignoring The Rapture or riding the fence about it should just be condemned with all the rest of the sinners too. But then I was struck with this eye-opening divulgement, and was compelled by the power of Zeitgeist.

So, I started reading this Judgment Day webpage like a madman, wanting to know-all and perhaps after many minutes of repenting for all my sins, secure or even bribe a place in Heaven for myself.

After getting through the first sentence without so much as a guffaw - and then reading this: "The Bible gives us the correct and accurate information about that Day," realizing how inaccurate that statement was, I was strangely compelled to read on, fascinated by the illogicality staring me in the face.

I then tried to make sense of this next remark: "Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17th day of the 2nd month, in the year 4990 B.C." And I realized, my gosh, AMAZINGLY I've been duped into reading more of this hogwash yet again!

But I couldn't stop myself as I continued to read on and found myself stumped by another improbability: "Nevertheless, the Bible assures us that many of the people who do beg God for His mercy will not be destroyed. We learn from the Bible that Holy God plans to rescue about 200 million people (that is about 3% of today’s population)."

So in other words, even IF you or I repent now, there is no guarantee that either of us will be met with God's mercy and he'll magically whisk us away to Heaven and spare our lives from the impending destruction of everything. Is it me, or does God's public relations and marketing team suck miserably at their promotions?

God: "Oh, I am very sorry. You did not repent soon enough. Your number is up."

Glenn Beck: "But I took a number and had a seat as the sign stated, oh great Almighty God! And that number was 666!"

God: "Exactly!"


Too bad. If only he did go one way and I went the other that would be one less asshole down here or there to contend with. See you on the other side. Or not. I guess we will find out tomorrow. Until then, good bye cruel world.

21 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's no food or eating in heaven, you ignoramus, and no shitting either. Just plenty of singing. God will be looking for people who can sing in tune in a high-pitched voice. Smokey Robinson will definitely be one of the 3 million if he remembers to beg for mercy.

THE SNEE said...

I'm awake. Where's my rapture?

unfinishedperson.com said...

Don't you have a few beers at the start of the day too? I thought you would. :P

Static said...

Shit. I'm still here. And so are you people. I knew this was too good to be true.

But I've not given up yet. My sources say that this Rapture is actually going down at 6 pm tonight. So be on the lookout. It's really gonna happen this time!

Now I wonder if that means 6 pm Eastern Standard Time or Pacific? I bet people in Asia have already experienced the Rapture! Why, there are more than 200 million Chinese Christians for sure..will that mean there will be no room for us??!

Static said...

@ Mr. Bananas: Really?...I can deal without the shitting part, but NO food?! What's the point then? If people that can only sing in tune in high-pitched voices get saved then you are probably screwed too, huh?

Static said...

@ THE SNEE: Patience..patience. It might take some more time. Perhaps another 17 to 7,000 years...but it'll happen, I tells ya!

Static said...

@ unfinished person: I don't know what planet you're on, but I start my day with a bottle of Wild Turkey, crack cocaine, and a deadly mix of speedballs. Beer is for winding down. Now, get off my planet. =P

unfinishedperson.com said...

I'm not on your planet, but that's why I visit here: to get a view from an alien perspective.

Steve Bailey said...

Im upset that this Judgement day/ Rapture thing appears not to be happening. I was so looking forward to driving my crazy Christian neighbors new Mercedes!

Static said...

@ unfinishedperson: You don't have to be an alien from another planet to have an alien's perspective. Just take a walk down Main Street any time of day.

Static said...

@ Steve Bailey: Welcome! Looks like you're also doomed. Join the club. Say, was that a white Mercedes that your neighbors own? Because I think I left them an S&P steamer on their windshield last night.

Harold Camping said...

Let the Looting Begin! HAPPY APOCALYPSE EVERYONE!!

God said...

LOL! Looks like the joke is on you all. Mortals are such fools.

Greg said...

Silly the virgins are reserved for the suicide bombers, so forget about them.

I commend you on your dedication and self-flagellation, I hope you lick the after you are down pounding your back..as this would be alcohol abuse.

Static said...

@ Greg: Yes, forget the "virgins." Why would I want sloppy seconds anyway? And every now and again I suck on the sock when I get thirsty, but who said I was pounding my back with it?

Static said...

SPOILER ALERT! Apocalypse happening now...just tune to Glee on OXYGN network for updates.

Blondie said...

Face to face
Sadly solitude
And it's finger popping
Twenty-four hour shopping in Rapture

Gangsta rapper said...

Karl Rove supports and causes the apocalypse. His violently apocalyptic lyrics normalize contempt for people in ghetto culture. The gangstas in his music videos are called 'expendable' and other worse labels by Karl Rove who they are subjecting themselves to. Only an idiot would treat it as a joke or pretend it's some kind of antidote to Gangsta Rap.

Teh Ruptured said...

I laughed so hard I think my spleen burst. This is what they call the Rupture.

Harold Camping said...

I'm sorry about Monday evening for not having the dates worked out as accurately as I could have. That was just been a "spiritual" Judgment Day. The end of the world is going to be exactly 5 months from then - October 21st. Mark your calendars. I will warn people no more. It's really happening this time!

Harold Camping said...

p.s. please send any and all of your financial donations immediately to me personally. Thank you.

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