Obscure Moments in Pop Culture History III

Do you know what that is? I know some of you that are old enough to remember them will say it's a plain old typewriter. But you'd be wrong. It's an accordion, one of precious many used by accordion player extraordinaire, George Salvatore Liberace - twin brother of Mr. Showmanship himself, Liberace.

You should know that accordion is priceless! It's handmade. And if you ever find the landfill where it's located don't hesitate to go digging around for it. It's a piece of Polka Rock history.

George Salvatore Liberace was born around the turn of the previous century in a stable and laid in a manger somewhere outside Winnebago County.

He was taught his craft by Mama Liberace who had a squeeze box and never let daddy sleep at night. This was disturbing for a number of reasons, but George's deep scars were healed over time by sweet sweet music.

Mama Liberace, fucking up that accordion.

As George got older he practically invented the Polka Rock genre. He played that accordion like nobody's business. Cranking out such numbers as: "Polka Kielbasa", "Polka Dot Polka", "Poke My Polka", "Polka My Poked Polka", and "Mary Had A Little Lamb."

George led an illustrious career. Making several appearances on The Lawrence Welk Show, I guarantee you ain't seen nothing like him in any amusement hall.

But his large-scale Milwaukee act became his hallmark, expanding his fan base dramatically, and making George Salvatore Liberace THE wealthiest accordion player ever.

George not only perfected his own unique way of playing the accordion - gyrating and twisting his hips in a manner that was not only peculiarly vulgar, but intensely arousing - he planted the seeds for Elvis, who just a few years later copped similar moves.

However, George's brand was like a hotter version of the Gronsky. Y'know, when someone puts their nose to a person's grundle and buries their schnozz deep into their choda, while the other person gyrates their hips in a clockwise/counterclockwise motion, all the time the schnozz burier repeats "Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky Gronsky?" No?? Never mind.

Clearly the most talented of the two siblings, George was also his brother's business partner, violin accompanist, conductor, and orchestral arranger. But George had one other achievement he aspired to - after many years of failed attempts he was finally successful at fellating himself.

Upon his discovery of this unique talent, kissing his own banana (or self oral stimulation) became a practice for which he devoted entirely too much time, and as a consequence he rarely left his house.

His brother Liberace at the end of his performances often sighed wistfully that he wished his brother George were there. Well, let's just say that George could not be there much of the time, because his autofellatio habits interfered with his career.

George posing proudly
with his instrument of torture
and subtly concealed camera.

At one point in his profession, George had a brief stint in France as a spy with the CIA. He posed as a street performer in order to get close enough to catch a glimpse of secret French government documents. Ya know the French want revenge for a number of things.

With the help of The Gong Show host and secret agent Chuck Barris, George developed a camera that fit inside his accordion so that he could take photos of French military plans to overturn the Louisiana Purchase and also to conquer all of Canada.

For self-defense purposes, Chuck and George also neatly installed a flame thrower within the accordion, to either divert the attention of their enemies, or to fry them to a crisp like a pair of frog legs should it have to be done.

But even this thrilling and extraordinary accomplishment could not keep George from his favored activity. He never had to use that accordion since he spiraled out of control in his quest for the ultimate self slurping sensation.

But all was not lost. George pressed forward - firmly, with his hips (and occasionally his buttocks) - and inspired the video game Accordion Hero by Activision made for Sony PlayStation. A high achievement indeed - considering they had to pry him off of his own pecker in order to take the cover photo for the game packaging.

George autofellated so much in fact, that he eventually suffered spinal disc herniation and was confined to a wheelchair until he passed away at the age of 87...whereupon just by chance George was found in his wheelchair, dick in mouth. He died with a smile and a crusty cum bubble upon his face.

His legacy has touched people from all walks of life. 50 Cent considers him a hero. Whether or not 50 Cent is a solo-sucker is unknown. Your guess is as good as mine, but as we all know he likes to blow his own horn.


And lest we forget to mention, George's songs have even stopped wars.




...or something like that.



The End.


-----------------------------------------------------

Article courtesy of Ernst ze Provocateur - Critic, international reporter, mime*, and espionage agent**

*Considering who wrote this, it is possible that some, part, or all of this report may be fictional.
**But don't piss him off. He's likely to bore you to death with his famous "trapped in a box" mime routine or blow some s**t up!



31 COMMENTS:

El Gavino said...

I'm just waiting for Kazoo Hero to be released. You just know that's gonna rawk.

Static said...

@VoteElGavino: With the Hero series the possibilities are endless. Surely there will be a Jazz Saxophone Hero with Kenny G, and a Banjo Hero with some hillbilly like Steve Martin.

Rafael Clarkstein said...

What exactly do you mean he was the wealthiest accordion player ever, how wealthy was he?

Eric Brooks said...

OOOh with Kazoo Hero, Banjo Hero, and my (newly acquired) Washboard Hero... we can join forces in the new game "Hillbilly Porch Band".

Wait. Where is everyone going? Come back!

Static said...

@VerySexyTime: He was worth about $2 bucks at the time of his death, Rafael.

Static said...

@EricBrooksCom They are all running away because you were being too forward. ;)

BlackLOG said...

But his large-scale Milwaukee act became his hallmark, expanding his fan base dramatically, and making George Salvatore Liberace THE wealthiest accordion player ever.
Yeah I heard he became the first accordion hundredaire….only another £899.99p and he would have been a thousandaire…sadly he invested it all in 100 £1 shops just as the smart money went into the 50p ones….

Some of my favourite Accordion numbers are

Polka Face – Lady Gaga
Polkamian Rhapsody - Queen
Bridge over Polkad water – Simon and Garfunkel
Solid Gold Polka action – T-Rex
Polka Rain – Prince
Sgt Polka’s Lonely Hearts Club band – The Beatles
While my accordion gently beeps – The Beatles –
Across The Polkaverse – The Beatles
Polkaback Writer – The Beatles
Everything by Accordion Fire

As you can see the Beatles were big fans of the Polka – accordion to Lennon if George Salvatore Liberace hadn’t tried to run off with Lady Madonna they would have ditched the guitars and become a Squeeze Box combo…

Greg said...

I think that he could have made more money as a human pretzel with his talents with flexibility.

a feminist-nazi-islamotard said...

For the love of all that is good and holy, my anus is bleeding.

Static said...

Hi BlackLOG, and welcome. Very funny list. It is made of God and Win. However, you forgot "Polka Polack" by Polka! at the Disco - and "Show Me How to Polka" by Accordionslave. Static: 2 | BlackLOG: 1

Static said...

@ Greg: You are most likely correct. But how do you feel about jangly acrobatics (laying on the bed - your head hanging over the side, with a penis in your mouth)?

Static said...

@ a feminist-nazi-islamotard: teh AIDS. u has it.

LilPixi said...

Man, you learn something new everyday. RIP, George. You surely were an inspiration, esp. to lonely autofellating wannabe Star Wars convention nerds everywhere.

BlackLOG said...

Static said... 10
Hi BlackLOG, and welcome. Very funny list. It is made of God and Win. However, you forgot "Polka Polack" by Polka! at the Disco - and "Show Me How to Polka" by Accordionslave.
Static: 2 | BlackLOG: 1

I did consider “Polka Polack" by Polka! at the Disco - and "Show Me How to Polka" by Accordionslave. But rejected them both on the grounds that they are both counterfeit Polka anthems, neither of which use proper accordions but rely on the much cheaper shamccordions. They have fooled a lot of people over the years but I never thought that they would fool an eminent Accordionologist such as yourself

BlackLOG :1 | Static 0 (2 removed for each fake) Oh good that’s the final whistle, game set and match…..

Static said...

@ALollipopWorld: Wannabe Star Wars convention nerds aren't all that lonely when they can autofellate with a blowup Princess Leia doll in the room.

Static said...

@ BlackLOG: Oh touche, sir. Touche! But not so fast...I see your accordion ruse and raise you a harmonica sleight-of-hand trick. GAME ON!!

First of all, “Polka Polack" by Polka! at the Disco was played on an accordion, it was a Hohner toy accordion but an accordion nonetheless.

Secondly, "Show Me How to Polka" by Accordionslave was played on a concertina, which although is not a proper accordion is still a free-reed musical instrument with bellows and keys, just like an accordion. AND if you listen very carefully, you can hear that the solo was played on a bandeneon plugged into a Big Muff pedal.

Thirdly, these songs are genuine certified proud (and most importantly) MODERN polka anthems that anyone with mild palsy can dance to.

Fourth..ly(??) I was into accordion before the accordion was cool. And that was waaaaaaay before you were probably even born or a gleam in your daddy's eye.

That's how I know you aren't a legitimate accordion aficionado; that's what separates true accordion fans from poseurs; and that's why you lost this round!

Static: 6 (I'm taking my 2 pts. back and adding 4 because I made some resounding points) | BlackLOG: 1 (because I'm feeling generous and took into consideration you have the balls and the audacity to question my accordion street cred)

BlackLOG said...

Static. while I bow to your undoubted accordion knowledge, the wealth of which I could not even counted on the finger of a no handed leper I am surprised at a couple of gaps in your accordion knowledge. Namely-

First of all, “Polka Polack" by Polka! at the Disco was played on an accordion, it was a Hohner toy accordion but an accordion nonetheless.

I thought everyone knew that the Hohner toy accordion was dismissed from the accordion society after that rather sordid affair with the piccolo and the flute….Only common decency and good taste prevents me from repeating the full story hear

Secondly, "Show Me How to Polka" by Accordionslave was played on a concertina, which although is not a proper accordion is still a free-reed musical instrument with bellows and keys, just like an accordion. AND if you listen very carefully, you can hear that the solo was played on a bandeneon plugged into a Big Muff pedal.
The third Geneva musical war convention of 1932, clearly placed the Concertina in the Bagpipe camp and as everyone knows, with any basic knowledge of the Accordion and Bagpipe wars 1872 – 1896 and 1901 1931 – peace has never really been properly established and the Accordion Society declared that “Any friend of the bagpipes is no friend of the Polka….”

I put these errors down to your great age (I suspect probably half my age) and the tremendous pressure you are clearly under from younger accordionardos snapping at your keyboard…..

In all other accordion related issues I bow to your pumped up knowledge….

Abhilash said...

Did he ever mention that consuming his own jizz was the secret of his long life?

Static said...

@ BlackLOG: You need some schooling, son. Frankly, I don't care about the opinions of those hokey purists you look up to that think polka is strictly an accordion based genre.

I only respect innovation and originality when it comes to the outdated overdone formulaic commercialized crap that is now the polka rock genre.

Who the hell are those old fogies to judge a growing but established underground subculture, when all they have is waxing nostalgic and hype around the same old 3/4 and 4/4 tempos?

Sounds like fucking clown music to me. Technique does not make up for feeling. And I ain't feelin' that shit, bro.

All that other shite and drollery you rambled on about was cooked up by those same quibblers that stooped down further than the pond scum they "evolved" from to engage in such Central Euro-peon faggotry that included two world wars and the rise and fall of the Third Reich while shagging sheep in the country and blowing hardily into their bags full of pipes that sounded like Kajagoogoo playing "Too Shy" with kazoos up their asses.

And as far as I'm concerned the Swiss and those other twelve nations are just as clueless as the Germans when it comes to real music, because all around them the enlightened in Greece, Italy, France, and Spain were creating beautiful works of art, architecture, and music WAY before those lowly disconnected cave dwellers with their little pea-sized brains were just discovering how to scribble crude stick figures in caves proudly, but inadequately, proclaiming their inept legacies for the first time since their kind could walk on two legs.

They were incapable of thinking outside traditional or conventional methods of rocking that bad-ass accordion like Michelangelo did, because they had never even seen one until polka was already old school and they were barely mastering banging on rocks with bones.

Let's be honest, all they've managed to accomplish since is to mimic those styles poorly.

Maybe after they evolve a few thousand more years they'll catch up to Medieval Polka.

So please, spare me the lecture, young grasshopper...unless you can suck your own dick, then please feel free to continue to humiliat..I mean - explain..yourself. It is not neccessary to go into detail. Pictures will suffice...which will then be distributed about 4chan. ;)


Static: 10 | BlackLOG: 2


Game Over. End of discussion. I win.


***CUE ACCORDION MUZAK AND NARRATION by William Shatner


"...The Third World War started over an argument about what perfect pitch is...and that is when an accordion was tossed into a dumpster full of banjos, igniting a full on nuclear attack launched by the 12 nations of the Geneva Convention as Peace Laureates pissed on their Nobel Peace Prizes and pinched their nipples off in accordion baffles while farting the Greatest Polka Hits Of All Time by Bobby Vinton. Amen."


***FADE TO BLACK


FINIS

Static said...

@ Abhilash said..."Did he ever mention that consuming his own jizz was the secret of his long life?"

I dunno, you tell me: how's that working out for ya?

BlackLOG said...

Static you lost me at "you"....

I guess belonging to such a young nation, with no real history to speak of, you have to have something in your life, so I’ll give you the accordion debate…….

However I will not have the gods of rock and roll - Kajagoogoo’s reputation besmirched by accusations of playing Kazoos where the sun don’t shine. Everyone knows that they played oboes through their back passage on the original and superior recording of Too Shy.

The Kazoo’s only being introduced by Trevor Horn and Phil Spector when they got hold of the mother of all tunes and raped it
with the very misguided -

Too shy - the getting over Shyness remix….

Turning a once sweet and innocent song into the total slut of the music business. Prepared to whore itself around and in the process making Paris Hilton look like a village bed and breakfast…

Static said...

@ BlackLOG: But what do you think about THIS?

You read my prior response. It's obvious you couldn't help yourself. Let's just skip the foreplay and get down to business shall we?

You think Kajagoogoo is a hallmark of musical genius?!? Now I know you are a complete novice!

'Why is I a clown', you ask? How's that you ask? I'll tell you:

"Too Shy" sounds like a freakin' parody of what an eighties band should sound like. You half expect the band to pull off rubber masks in the video to reveal the Not The Eleven O'clock News team grinning underneath, while a patchwork of cheesy ass-Kazoo/anal-Oboe synth and electronic drum fills try to smear ass-spackle over the buttcracks and give the impression that there's something of substance (other than complete ass) in that song.

That one hit wonder exists solely for the purpose of existing, and prolonged exposure has been known to cause homosexuality and poor taste in music. It looks like you have been a victim of all of the above.

You need a hot injection of testosterone. QUICKLY NOW! Please direct yourself immediately to this link: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL949902A181CBA7F7.

Be sure to watch every video and start wearing more glittery sequined jackets and cummerbunds, and learn how to be more manly for godsakes!

BlackLOG said...

Funny that you should bring up Rick Astley, I had an interesting discussion (bit of an oxymoron having Rick Astley and the word interesting in the same universe) with someone who claimed he was a big star in the 80’s while I claimed he was a one hit wonder, who was not even the most talented member of his loser family….Turns out his first 8 singles made the UK top 10 (Proving UK singles buyers are bigger losers than I would ever imagine)…. Another argument that I was proud to lose….The only thing vaguely interesting about him is the phenomenon of rickrolling

Static said...

@ BlackLOG: Indeedy. Rick Astley is nothing more than a meme. But I suppose that's better than nothing. I have to say I've enjoyed our verbal sparring. It's rare two peeps who don't know each other can do that without someone getting all pissed off over something stupid. Thanks for being a good sport. I was kidding about all that stuff I said, except for that stuff I said about Switzerland and the twelve nations, and Germany, and polka music...and I definitely wasn't kidding about accordions, or banjos, and George, and those lowly disconnected cave dwellers with their little pea-sized brains. Did I cover everything...leave anyone out? Fuck me. My brain hurts now.

Kelly said...

Did you say that George knew how to play the skin flute, as well?

He sounds like quite the talent. Very accomplished. I'll have to pick up that game and check it out. Can I expect fun & frivolity? The wacky antics and musical stylings of a genius?

Well, I gotta admit. This was a lot to take in but I'm glad I hung in there. (That's what she said).

Now I can worship a new music hero besides Justin Beiber.

Static said...

@7masterheathen: He was quite talented - at sucking his own dick. He's dead now, but will forever be remembered for that. Accordion Hero is pretty rare. If you find a copy it's something you don't want to pass up. However, you'll need an accordion controller - unless you score the Bundle that comes with everything - including a life-size silicone replica of George's dong that you can suck on all night long making it a complete George Salvatore accordion-fest.

Teh Evil Penguin said...

Through this entire article, all I can think about is Bugs Bunny grinning and saying "I wish my brother George was here..."

Static said...

@TehEvilPenguin When I suggested the mental images associated with 'Hyde and Hare' starring the nefarious Bugs Bunny, that was exactly my objective with this article. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions and I do have good intentions. >=) Muhahaha! *wrings hands furiously together

klahanie said...

If I ever find that landfill I will Polka around and send the accordion to you.
Have fun doing the dishes.....

Static said...

@ klahanie You got it. I'll even split the value with you. With the currency exchange rate, your half should come to around 65 Canadian cents.

Static said...

@BlackLOG I underestimated your prowess and knowledge in polka rock. Polka Face by Lady Gaga fucking rocks dude. I am a new fan and I totally believe in you now! I mean it totally kicks ass. Here's proof!

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