My Encounter With Bigfoot By Karl Childers

Sling Blade fling poo at j00
"Some folks call it a sling blade,
I reckon I call it a Kaiser blade.
Good for slicin' up bisquits
and French fried 'taters."

One time I's prowling in the wilderness, wandering about, kindly got lost and so weak and hungry I couldn't go. When it begin to get cool, I found a big cave and crawled backin there to get warm. Mm-hmm. Crawled back in and come upon a leaf bed and I dozed off to sleep.

I heard a nawful racket coming into that cave, and something come in and crawled right over me and laid down like a big old bear. It was a hairy thing and when it laid down it went chomp, chomp, chawing on something. I thought to myself, "I'll see what it is and find out what it is eating." Mm-hmm.

I reached over and a hairylike woman was there eating chestnuts, had about a half a bushel there. I got me a big handful of them and went to chawing on them too. Mm-hmm. Well, in a few minutes she handed me over another big handful, and I eat chestnuts until I was kindly full and wasn't hungry any more. D'rectly she got up and took off and out of sight.

Well, I stayed on there till next morning and she come in with a young deer. Brought it in and with her big long fingernails she ripped its hide and skinned it, and then she sliced the good lean meat and handed me a bite to eat. I kindly slipped it behind me, afraid to eat it raw and afraid not to eat it being she give it to me. She'd cut off big pieces of deer meat and eat it raw. Well, I laid back and the other pieces she give over as she eat her'n. She was goin' to see I didn't starve. Mm-hmm.

When she got gone again I built me up a little fahr and br'iled my meat. After being hungry for two or three days, it was good cooked--yes, buddy. Mm-hmm. She come in while I had my fahr built br'illing my meat, and she run right into that fahr. She couldn't understand because it kindly burnt her a little. She jumped back and looked at me like she was going to run through me. I said, "Uh-oh, I'm going to get in trouble now." Mm-hmm.

Well, it was cold and bad out, so I just stayed another night with her. She was a woman but was right hairy all over. After several days I learnt her how to br'ile meat and that fahr would burn her. She got shy of the fahr and got so she liked br'iled meat and wouldn't eat it raw any more. We went on through the winter that way. Mm-hmm. She would go out and carry in deer and bear. So I lived there about two year, and when we had a little kid, one side of it was hairy and the other side was slick.

I took a notion I would leave there and go back home. Mm-hmm. I begin to build me a boat to go away across the lake in. One time after I had left, I took a notion I would slip back and see what she was doing. I went out to the edge of the clift and looked down into the mountain, and it looked like two or three dozen of hairy people coming up the hill. They was all pressing her and she would push them back. They wanted to come on up and come in. I was scared to death, afraid they's going to kill me. Mm-hmm. She made them go back and wouldn't let them come up and interfere.

Well, I took a notion to leave one day when my boat was ready. I told her one day I was going to leave. Mm-hmm. She follered me down to my boat and watched me get ready to go away. She was crying, wanting me to stay. I said, "No, I'm tired of the jungles. I'm going back to civilization again, going back."

When she knowed she wasn't going to keep me there, she just grabbed the little young'un and tore it right open with her nails. Throwed me the hairy part and she kept the slick side. That's the end of that story. Mm-hmm.

Source (slightly altered, but not much. Mm-hmm.)


Gorilla Bananas said...

Why did he leave out the scenes when he mated with her? Stupid hillbilly.

Karl Childers said...

Woman was right hairy she was. Smelled just like them French fried potaters. What more you want? I ain't gone tell you no more. Charles Bushman prolly like a woman like that more than I do I reckon.

J. Bear Savo said...

A little bit of Solomon's wisdom gone awry there at the end.

Karl Childers said...

I learned to read some. I studied on killing. The Bible says you ought not to. It says if you do that, you go off to Hades. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades. Mm-hmm.

Mark said...

I readed this and I was stirred to arousal. Mm-hmm.

Karl Childers said...

Ev'ry now an' again I git a notion to goin' back and visit that hairy woman. And I git a li'l aroused jus thinkin' 'bout it. Mm-hmm. But then I jus have me some French fried potaters 'n I fergit all about it.

Kelly said...

After readin' the source of this here delightful and charmin' story, I reckon I wuz inspired to go out to dem woods out back behind the house and fuck me a gopher. I's was pleasantly surprised at how tight he was. Mm-hmm. Just as easy as the Hairy Woman tore that baby in two with her hirsute hands, I did the same to the gopher with my penis. Mm-hmm. Laters, I made me a right good fire and br'iled the little feller up till he had a fair amount of burnt flesh and burnt hair on the outsides of him. Mm-hmm. Lastly, I's added my special cummin' seed for extree flavor. He wuz mighty tasty, all lathered up like that, if I says so my own self. Mm-hmm.

Karl Childers said...

I reckon you a might bit touched in the head. I do. Yessiree. Mm-hmm.

The Mighty El Gavino said...

Chestnuts. Mm-hmm.

Karl Childers said...

Them chestnuts ain't quite as good as 'em French fried potaters. Mm-hmm.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...