Universal Obamacare on the Mend

Tue. Oct. 8, 2013 (Krapsody) - Late this afternoon the switch to turn the government back on has been flipped. Dems have acknowledged that in order to satiate and reward repubs, they had to provide some incentive to reach an agreement over the Obamacare stand-off.

As part of the deal that has been struck, Obama's much lauded death panels have gotten the green light. As per the agreement, Republicans will get to choose one patient each to die in a trade-off between affordable care and the forceful nature of the socialist empire.

If you did not get the memo, the Federation
will not comply with straightforward answers
to your questions about Obamacare.



Most likely the death panels will begin cutting off life support for persons in vegetative states first, and then slowly begin denying expensive treatments to other individuals on the grounds that treatments are "not medically necessary".

Be prepared to see an increase in medical malpractice as inexperienced interns will cause the health care industry to be flooded with complaints and lawsuits.
Hey, the end . . . always justifies the means, people.

Additionally, placebos will be commonplace as well as unlicensed medical procedures will not only be encouraged, they may be necessary in some circumstances as citizens may have to wait months to get an appointment with their physicians inside the government-required health care juggernaut.

Those needing treatments and procedures to improve their health or save their lives can visit their local bookstore and/or visit e-tailers like Amazon to purchase how-to guides.

Examples of the kinds of specialties you could expect to see on store shelves include "The How-To Guide: Home Anesthesiology", "Self-Appendectomy For Idiots", "Semi-healthy Alternatives to Chemotherapy" and "Neurosurgery For Dummies".

Look for Krapsody's own procedural guide: "How to Perform a Vasectomy in 30 Seconds" available on the web for the low low introductory price of $9.95 plus $3 in "just for the fuck of it" fees.


8 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, it does sound like medical costs are going through the roof. I could rustle up 1000 trained witch doctors from the Congo if that would help.

Static said...

Yes, please. That would be helpful. We have more of a chance to cure diseases and other maladies using the services of trained witch doctors than we do having modern physicians and medications at our disposal. When can they be dispatched? I've got a bunion that is effing killing me.

666 said...

Our primitive ancestors weren't pussies who relied on medication. They manned the fuck up and got on with their lives. Eliminate medical costs by eliminating medication.

666 for president.

Static said...

Somewhere out there, some knuckle-dragging snake oil salesman is urinating on Louis Pasteur's grave, and bottling some of their "cure-all" to sell at the next pit stop.

Me-Me King said...

Ha! We're all going to to hell in a hand basket!

Me-Me King said...

I'm exempt! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Timothy Hecht said...

So, you read the whole bill.

Congratulations! You are THE ONE.

klahanie said...

And then there's actual Universal Healthcare. You'd be amazed at what they are performing on Uranus....

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