5 Reasons Jean Claude Van Damme's Mullet is the Greatest Actor in the History of Cinema

| Dec. 11, 2014

Let's just get this straight. Forget his flexibility, Van Damme had THE best mullet ever. His mullet might be the only time a mullet has been successfully pulled off in the history of cinema. Look at Hard Target. Why, if it weren't for Van Damme's mullet the film would have no action appeal whatsoever (just like this clip from the director's cut). It would be the same old boring blah blah whatever movie that would be forgotten minutes after seeing it. It would have been a literal snoozefest. Let's face it, his mullet carried that film.


Van Damme's mullet should get its own credits and awards in Van Damme films, such as Hard Target because:

1) It was in nearly every scene. I know it's hard because his mullet captures all the attention, but think about it. Every scene that Van Damme is in, the mullet was there too.

2) It pulled off a series of stunts that no mullet has ever done before or since, and never will again.

3) It was quite shiny and healthy, not to mention fireproof. How many mullets can say that?

4) Even though David Bowie sported a bad-ass mullet it was nothing in comparison to Van Damme's. Van Damme was the only actor to get away with having one. Greek gods and rock stars aside, Van Damme's hairstyle choice singlehandedly propelled the popularity of the mullet in the 80s. Every kid who wanted to be like Van Damme sported one. Including your mom.

5) See all of the above.

Those reasons should be worth five stars in any review of the movie. If not for Van Damme's epic mullet alone, Hard Target would be buried in a vault never to see the light of day again.

It was the Golden Fleece of mullets! Come to think of it, when Van Damme cut the mullet off he just wasn't the same person. He was like Superman without his superpowers—short hair was his Kryptonite. His acting skills suffered greatly. He lacked presence and simply became an ordinary nobody. People no longer recognized him and his career was over shortly thereafter which is why Schwarzenegger's career took off. Patrick Swayze could relate. After Swayze cut his mullet off he got cancer and died. How about Mel Gibson, Michael Bolton, and Billy Ray Cyrus--who the heck are they, right? I'm sure that Tom Selleck could relate as well. His career ended when he shaved off his mustache.

In short, goddamn Jean Claude Van Damme for killing the mullet and allowing Ah-nold to hog the spotlight!


3 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Tom Selleck shaved off his moustache? What kind of blasphemous talk is that? That 'tache was a religious icon for many. The mullet is nothing but a rooster comb by comparison. Pubic hair on a cock.

Static said...

Good point, Bananas! But who's Tom Selleck?

Timothy Hecht said...

You nailed it. Greatest Mullet of all Time.

Just like The Divinyls - I Touch Myself is the greatest video of all time, you can't argue with the facts and them are the facts.

Greatest Dog in a movie - Hosehead - Strange Brew.

I'm just sayin.

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