President Trump Blind After Staring at Solar Eclipse

"What on Gawd's green earth is THAT?"

Tuesday Aug. 22, 2017

Washington D.C., (Krapsody) -- President Trump awoke this morning after a deep sleep and stumbled into the wall where he expected the bathroom to be when he got out of bed. Rubbing the egg that began growing on his head, Trump noticed that the room was startlingly dark. Trump then turned and walked into a bureau, fell and struggled to stand up again.

Trump claims he called for help, with no response leading him to get back up and fumble around in the dark, arms in front of him, those tiny feeble hands of his grasping for anything to hold onto. He stubbed his toe on another piece of furniture in the Presidential Suite. Trump claims that he screamed while hopping backwards, crashing through the bedroom door and falling a second time.

An aide who was rehearsing Trump's agenda for the day heard the commotion in the White House and made his way upstairs.

When the aide finally reached our executive in chief, he found Trump clutching his foot, rocking back and forth, moaning in pain.

"I asked the president what had happened," the aide stated.

"Mr. Trump was very agitated at the time--okay, per usual--and yelled, 'What the shit does it look like, you moron? Who turned off all the ****ing lights in here?!'"

"I calmly told Mr. President that the lights were NOT off. It was six in the morning and the sunlight coming through the windows was sufficient enough for even a blind mole like myself to see," the aide said adjusting his own spectacles.

"A presidential aide, or special assistant and personal aide, commonly referred to as a 'body man' entrusted with taking care of the president's needs, would know. You know?"

"Mr. Trump was perplexed and stated he was under the impression that it was dark in his suite and was unable to see anything," the aide continued. "Once the president realized his eyes weren't functioning correctly, he asked for his phone which I immediately retrieved for him."

"I assumed he was going to call the first lady, or an ambulance, but he stated he had to tweet about this morning's incident 'post haste,' in his own words," the aide admitted.

"I assumed he [Trump] was going to call the first lady, or an ambulance, but he stated he had to tweet about this morning's incident 'post haste,' in his own words." -- President Trump's aide after Trump realized his eyesight was compromised following yesterday's eclipse.

Trump has been taken to an undisclosed hospital for further evaluation, but his personal physician, who requested to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying that "[...] the president is fine...he has indeed lost his vision, and can't see shit."

Trump's physician also added that he doesn't know the exact cause or how long the condition will last and declined to comment any further.

Krapsody's own physician, Dr. J.H. Izquierdo, offered his opinions based upon the objective facts and well documented evidence he was provided with today.

"Based upon the objective facts and the well documented evidence provided to me today, my professional opinion is that the president, against the advice of one of his top advisors, has lost his vision due to staring directly at the solar eclipse yesterday afternoon, like a fucking idiot, and that he indeed, can't see shit," Dr. Izquierdo mumbled.

Dr. Izquierdo added, "I also expect that the president's inability to see shit, or more precisely, his vision loss, is permanent and it is not correctable. So he's pretty much in the same condition as he was prior to today, really. Not exactly blind to all going on around him, but still blind as a bat."

"Awful predicament, for sure. But if Trump had just worn the proper protective eye equipment instead of calling the dangers of looking directly at a solar eclipse as being 'fake news' and 'a ton of bullshit' then we wouldn't be addressing his stupidity right now."

Trump was scheduled for a colonoscopy this afternoon to determine if his vision will return, or if his head is simply up his ass and that's why he can't see shit. The results of that test have not been released yet.


2 Comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The colonoscopy should improve his rear vision. If I were Trump I'd be more worried about what was happening behind me. Has anyone mooned him yet? Apart from the eclipse I mean.

Static said...

I don't know Bananas. Have you tried mooning Trump yet?

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