Q: On what novels or literary works were Kubrick’s films based?

A: They were based entirely upon my imagination. Thinking they were utter shit, I sold my concepts to Kubrick for mere pennies on the dollar..which of course he made millions on...that rat bastard.

Q: How long did Popeye’s spinach "fix" last?

A: The Popeye cartoons were never consistent in depicting exactly when Popeye needed spinach and how long the effects would last. In many, many cartoons, he is able to do superhuman stunts, withstand lots of punishment, and escape dangerous situations BEFORE he eats any spinach! And in other cartoons, he eats lots of government cheese throughout the film in order to do anything extraordinary, so obviously, spinach must wear off!!! In the event that both spinach and government cheese did not work, only rarely, and in EXTREME situations, did Popeye ever shoot meth into his eyeballs. Which led to a stroke, that's why he has that one eye that always squints.

Q: How can I protect myself from alien abduction?

A: 1.) Make a tin foil hat.
2.) Make tin foil underwear, particularly concentrating on your anal area (we all know how much they like to probe there).
3.) Stock up on canned cat food and hide in your basement. Don't come out until I say it's safe.

Q: Do Mormons wear special undergarments?

A: Latter-day Dimwits (a very small obscure sect of Mormons), who have been to their sacred temple, with their many sacred under-age wives, wear sacred garments under their regular sacred clothing to remind them of the sacred covenants that they have made with their sacred Gawd. They are then forced to commit sacred acts of adultery with heathen goats.

Q: If my home is infested by a demon, can I beat it on my own?

A: Anything is possible but I would have to say that you would need the help of either a psychiatrist or a clergyman. I would not suggest that you try to do it on your own. The first issue here is determining that you have a demon in the first place. Unless you have completely bizarre things happening, it can be difficult to be sure just what you are dealing with. However, if you are sure that the problem is demonic, my advice is to find someone who is experienced in dealing with that type of paranoid delusional bullshit.

Q: I want to play beer pong, but I don’t like beer. Is this okay?

A: Sure, if you're a wussy. Unless it's with Tequila. Then you're tough as nails. But if it's with milk, soda, Shirley Temples, bottled spring water, or anything other than an alcoholic beverage then you're a total wimp. Actually, if you're playing beer pong at all, you're a total idiot. Now go flog yourself with a tube sock soaked in malt liquor and say 200 Hail Marys, like this:
"Hail Mary, full of grease. Th' Lo'd is wif thee. Blessed art thou among wimmen, an' blessed is th' fruit of thy womb, Jebus. Holy Mary Jane, Mammy of Gawd, pray fo' us sinners now, an' at th' hour of death. RAmen, as enny fool kin plainly see."

Q: You're not very funny. Are you really a "humor blogger", or do you do anything else?

A: I'm..I'm NOT funny? Oh my. Really? Good gosh, golly gee willikers. It appears I've been wasting my time.

Unless you consider this, this, this, or this, and possibly, maybe this.
If you don't shat yourself reading those..then, I HAVE been wasting all my time.

Socrates once said, "The only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing." So..did Socrates have a sense of humor? However, following your advice, I've also come to the sudden realization that nobody takes comedians seriously. That's why I've decided to become a plumber.

For more answers to your most urgent questions that have not been covered here:

please read the full DISCLAIMER (the short version is here)

or readers may refer to the Ask Static archives if they still "don't get it"


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...