Holiday Anger Management - Part 2

Deck the halls with piles of caca, falalala la la la la!

When it rains, it pours. Or when it snows, it dumps...big piles all over your house trapping you in a icy death trap.

Ok, funny story.
To complicate things this holiday season my LAN line phone has been down since yesterday. No service! At all. Yesterday I called the phone company who provides us with our digital phone service, Cox Communications.

They also provide us with digital cable television and internet, it's conveniently called a "Bundled Service Plan". I call it "A Monumental Pain In The Ass Since I've Had It Plan". I think with a string attached to two tin cans I would have better phone service than what I've been getting up until this point. Anyway, long story short: they are complete morons.

Holiday Anger Management - Part 1

Tis the season to be angry at employers, psycho drivers, psycho shoppers, mothers screaming at their children, drunk mall Santas, rabid squirrels, and whatever the feck else I want - damned pus filled sacks of monkey krap you's! forums are down for maintenance, in case you were wondering. So you can add hosting services to the list of fail. But at least my blog and other sites are still up, luckily they aren't on a shared server or I'd really be screwed!

In the meantime here's to slapping the responsible party in the face.

Thread Bombs / spock slap

Stay tuned here and to my SU Blog for more instant insanity. Just add water.

Kids blamed in Christmas Eve theft

Fri Dec 28, 10:41 PM ET
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, N.J. - Local police said it was a typical holiday Grinch tale: A home was broken into on Christmas Eve, and wrapped presents were stolen off a kitchen table.

Little did they know the culprits were kids!

Can you see Jesus?

Can you see Jesus? Or is it Elvis? I'm looking at this and I can't tell!

Man, are you sure that's supposed to be Jesus or a likeness of any religious prophet?
What did Jesus look like, have you ever really seen Jesus?

Because to me it looks like one of the members of A Polyphonic Spree, it could even be David Carradine from a moment in the tv show 'Kung Fu'... or maybe it's Elvis. It's Elvis! I knew it! It's a sign that he's alive!

Why, if I didn't know any better I'd say I was looking directly into the eye of God himself.

Praise dog sphincter it's a damn miracle!!!

And remember God spelled backwards is Dog.

Here's a short collection of comments on the referenced article at the NY Nerd's Blog:

Bow down to doggy ass.


God created dog ass. Therefore it is a part of God. Jesus said everything was beautiful. A Dog’s ass is apart of everything. Jesus is God. Jesus created the Dog’s ass. Everything loves it's offspring. Jesus loves dog ass. Thus he can appear.


"Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.” - Superintendent Chalmers
Funniest thing ever said in The Simpsons


Thank you for Calling Jesus Entertainment Group.

Please listen to this message as options have changed.

If you wish to book Jesus(tm) at your next corporate event, press 1

If you wish to leave a voice mail message for Jesus(tm) or his wife Marymag, press 2

If you require licensing information on placing images of Jesus(tm) on honeybuns, pancakes, glass buildings,grilled cheese sandwiches or dog butts, press 3

IF you with to have information mailed to you about the fabulous new show ‘Candyman Jesus and the Tapdancing Jews’ please press 4

Or stay on the line and one of our delightful ‘Junkies for Jesus’ will help you with your entertainment needs. Remember, December is Kiddy party month, with special 15% off appearances by Jesus(tm) for a full 20 minutes including a small Fudgy the Chocolate Matzo Ball cake and A simple balloon animal for each kid.


Oh, man, I hate the fact that God is going to condemn me to an eternity of burning pain, just because I laughed at a dog’s butt. But, He is almighty and just, so I am sure that dog-butt-laughing is a mortal sin, even though I cannot see it just now. I will have all of eternity to reflect on my sin . . . you know, butt laughing. Sorry, Jesus.

In those other comments posted by haters, I find it hard to believe how gullible, how fanatical, serious, judgmental and self-righteous people are about a ridiculous harmless joke. All I can say is, "duh duhr dumb."

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Courtesy of: Radical Atheist - Think free

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia
-- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2. Amnesia
--I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home For Christmas

3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4. Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode)
-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores
And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......

5. Multiple Personality Disorder
-- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

6. Paranoid
-- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7. Borderline Personality Disorder
-- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna' Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why!

8. Antisocial Personality Disorder
-- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

10. Agoraphobia
-- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia
-- Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder
-- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder
-- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate


14. Attention Deficit Disorder
-- We Wish You A......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Thread Bombs / Merry Christmas


The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Thread Bombs / aaaah

Top Ten Dumb Guy New Year's Resolutions

10. Eat more paint.
9. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into "Baywatch."
8. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
7. Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if "waffle tree" has grown yet.
6. I's gonna build me a spaceship!
5. Lose every pound of weight.
4. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
3. Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
2. Oh who am I kidding, if it looks like candy -- it's candy.
1. Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Happy New Year! Hopefully your resolutions are more thought out or you had NONE at all.

Queer Eye For the Santa Guy?


Only 3 days to go until Christmas, friends and neighbors.

Which means, of course, that this weekend will be Prime Holiday Party Time.

Lots of drinking, lots of unwanted mistletoe come-ons and a sleigh full of inappropriate gestures like this one:

I always wondered what happened to the leatherclad guy in the Village People....

Christmas card arrives 93 years late

This is the ultimate story of "Oops! Wha-happened?" by the USPS. It should be showcased on 'Sick Sad World' if it were a reality tv series. But enough of my sarcastic commentary. Nah, just kidding.

Fri Dec 14, 10:35 PM ET Courtesy of: Associated Press
OBERLIN, Kan. - A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed in 1914, but its journey was slower than Christmas. It just arrived in northwest Kansas.
(And this is news how exactly? Talk about snail mail. I could probably walk, no... crawl my mail across town faster than it takes to mail it in my teeny tiny area on any given average day.)

The Christmas card was dated Dec. 23, 1914, and mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, apparently from her cousins in Alma, Neb.

It's a mystery where it spent most of the last century, Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said. "It's surprising that it never got thrown away," he said. "How someone found it, I don't know."
(That's such a relief to know how it was "found" by "someone"... perhaps they were rummaging through the 'unemptied 93 year old trash bin'?)

Ethel Martin is deceased (No shit?), but Schultz said the post office wanted to get the card to a relative.
(That's a nice sentiment Schultz. It's the thought that counts, 93 years late is better than never. It may have been Ethel's only contact with her relatives in years and likely dozens if not hundreds of your postal representatives were too drunk or too dense to use a map & realise that Kansas is a far cry from Illinois.)

That's how the 93-year-old relic ended up with Bernice Martin, Ethel's sister-in-law. She said she believed the card had been found somewhere in Illinois.
(I'm just surprised it didn't end up in Canada, ok... bad geography joke. Nevermind the spell check joke then.)

"That's all we know," she said. "But it is kind of curious. We'd like to know how it got down there."
(Honestly, so would I. I'm sure most people who read this national story would. In fact someone out there reading it was probably thinking, "I should have sent my x-mas present MUCH sooner". But some things will continue to remain a mystery, like Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, if Elvis is still alive and the secret ingredient(s) in Crispy Creme Donuts.)

The card was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin — the one-cent postage of the early 20th century wouldn't have covered it, Martin said.
(Oh, dear, you mean "someone" had to splurge after 93 years and come up with the other .40 cents for postage & "handling"? What will they ever do now, how will their kids go to college? Oh my gawd, dear lord in heaven, it's a miracle! ...that the post office has delivered any mail correctly since.)

"We don't know much about it," she said. "But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape."
(Hmm, looks like somebody is on Santa's Naughty List this year. And for once it's not me.)

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