The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets

12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Thread Bombs / aaaah

Top Ten Dumb Guy New Year's Resolutions

10. Eat more paint.
9. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into "Baywatch."
8. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
7. Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if "waffle tree" has grown yet.
6. I's gonna build me a spaceship!
5. Lose every pound of weight.
4. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
3. Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
2. Oh who am I kidding, if it looks like candy -- it's candy.
1. Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Happy New Year! Hopefully your resolutions are more thought out or you had NONE at all.


Anonymous said...

Ha ha

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